The Emotion Approximation
by zipporah grace
Summary: A frustrated Amy. A clueless Sheldon. The repercussions of a simple goodnight text can go farther than you'd think. Changed to M for future plans, mwahahahaha. Enjoy and review!
1. The Texting Catalyst

"In a world where all United State's volcanoes erupt on a daily basis, what would be the most populous city?" Sheldon Cooper asked.

Amy Farrah Fowler smiled, enjoying her date night with Sheldon that had ended in a wondrous game of Counterfactuals.

"That's easy," she said. "Phoenix, Arizona."

He raised his eyebrows in interest. "Explain."

Amy took in a deep breath and began her explanation. "Since all the United State's volcanoes would erupt, the amount of seismic energy produced just off of U.S. shores would cause massive tsunamis and floods. Quickly enough, man evolves a logical fear of water, and moves to the driest place on Earth."

Sheldon's mouth formed into a quick smile. "Very good, Amy!"

"Thank you, Sheldon." She pulled out another card from the box that sat on apartment 4A's coffee table. She cleared her throat. "In a world where-"

"Hey, guys," Leonard interrupted as he entered through the door.

"Leonard, we were just in a vigorous game of counterfactuals when you decided to burst in," Sheldon chastised. He shook his head. "This is like Fun with Flags all over again…"

"Oh!" Amy exclaimed, causing both men to jump. "I almost forgot. I have some new ideas for next week."

He nodded his head in delight. "Okay, what are they?"

"I was thinking that we could delve into the mythological side of the Mexican flag and explain the widely known flag of Great Britain, while Ferdinand T. Flag could sing a song explaining the meaning to the younger viewers."

"Interesting…" Sheldon muttered. "I'll have to think about it, but when I do I'll either text or video chat as to not disturb your daily routine."

Leonard took out a bottle of beer and popped the cap off. He sat down in his regular chair, watching the two discuss the show for next week. He became bored and decided to switch to another topic. It had been one that had bugged him for a long time.

"So Amy, how are you enjoying your relationship with the sexless robot?" he asked.

They were both taken aback by the question, and had reduced themselves to the same position: eyes wide, eyebrows up, hands hovering over themselves in a defense position, mouths slightly open.

"I don't think this is an appropriate question while we're on the topic of flags," Sheldon said.

"No, no, Sheldon," Amy said. "I think that he is merely switching topics. Why this topic, I am unsure of, but it is the social convention to keep these conversations going." She cleared her throat and shifted her focus over to Leonard. "Though I am not happy with the lack of physical intimacy in this relationship, I do indeed find myself enjoying the fact that I do indeed have a boyfriend."

"Lack of physical intimacy?" Sheldon queried, surprised. "What about the hand-holding clause?"

"Yes, that was a step," Amy considered. "Then again, it is only when one partner feels threatened by an outside force and feels that may have to exert possession of the other partner."

"So…whenever one of you guys feels jealous?" Leonard clarified, taking a swig at his beer.

"If you want to put it in layman's terms, yes," Amy answered. She sighed. "Though we have yet to actually use that clause."

"We have felt no need to," Sheldon rebuffed.

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, yes."

Leonard smiled. "Someone's a little frustrated."

Amy sighed. "No, no, Leonard. I've come to accept Sheldon and the relationship we have ahead of us." _No matter how irritating it is_, she thought secretly.

"See, Leonard? Amy is perfectly fine," Sheldon pointed out. He shook his head. "Just because everyone else's relationships involve unsanitary spit-mixing and coitus does not mean ours has to."

Amy glared at him while he was looking towards Leonard. The minute he turned to her she changed her expression into an enormously fake smile. It's not like he would notice, anyways.

Sheldon looked at the pocket watch he kept by his side ever since the tiara incident. "Oh, it's almost bedtime. Could you show yourself out, Amy?"

She nodded. "Of course, Sheldon," she said through her teeth.

She exited the apartment. She was beginning to doubt Gerard.

Sheldon felt something unsettling tonight. He was in his Thursday pajamas, in his bed, staring at the ceiling.

It was Amy's face. There was something about it tonight. When he turned to her, she had looked at him in a way he had never seen her look at him before. It was perplexing, even for his brilliant mind.

She had been smiling at him. But, no…she had smiled at him before. It was before the smile, and maybe even a little afterward. Her eyes were ablaze. He was familiar with it. It happened when people became too confused at his brilliant mind and how it worked. What did people call it?

Oh yeah. _Irritation_.

But why would she be irritated? She was the boyfriend of the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper. It was any brilliant-minded girl would want.

Perhaps she was on her menses. Yes, that had to be it. And as the boyfriend, he should probably go over to her with some chocolate and sit while she ranted on about the so-called "bitches" at her workplace, as it is the social convention. But that was such a menial task. He couldn't do that. She might request cuddling.

He might go have lunch with her over at her lab. No, the last time that took place it ended in him using Kohlinar and almost going home with a brain for lunch. He couldn't do that again.

He could video chat with her. Oh, but it is so late. No, that would never do.

He could text her goodnight.

They never did that, really. Perhaps there would be a text saying hello in the middle of the day and start another lengthy conversation. One time she texted him good morning and it awoke him a few minutes before he susally woke up, resulting in him being off schedule all day. But this was night time, and surely she was awake.

He rolled over and reached for his phone.

The bright hurt his eyes, but he quickly tapped in a few words and sent them over to Amy's phone.

He felt exhausted, but happy. At last he could sleep.

The night had gone from good to bad in a matter of a couple hours for Amy Farrah Fowler. She was enjoying a harmless game of Counterfactuals, sitting within a close range to Sheldon, enjoying herself. Then Leonard had to come in and ask about her feelings on the relationship.

It wasn't like she hadn't pondered it before. She simply suppressed the fact that yes, she craved human intimacy. She had been suppressing it for a while now, and when it came out she had a mixed result. The first time was when she found herself pining over Zach, yet that ended in him being uninterested in her. The next time, she kissed Sheldon. She ceases to remember it, and she was sure that it enraged Sheldon's eidetic memory. The last time was when she and Sheldon cuddled. That was nice…but then again, he seemed uncomfortable.

The results were inconclusive. Amy didn't like inconclusive.

After all, that's why she became angry at Sheldon for putting both of them in the tediously-shifting friend zone for so long.

But tonight it truly came out in a rush. She turned to Gerard for help, but it wasn't the same. It was an electric toothbrush, not a human hand. Even more unfortunate, it wasn't Sheldon's…

She snapped into reality. Ugh, no. She couldn't be thinking that way. As long as her relationship stayed like this, she would try to get used to it. Not pine over him.

Then Gerard broke.

She mourned the loss of a dear friend.

Amy got up and got ready for bed. She was almost drifting into sleep with she heard a vibration. At first she thought Gerard had resurrected in the garbage can, but it turned out to be a text.

From Sheldon.

She was expecting an interesting factoid or a link to an article. But instead there was something much better.

_Good night Amy. See you tomorrow._

She smiled. Gerard would not have perished in vain.


	2. The Tea Incident

**Hey guys! Thanks so much for the awesome reviews! I don't know how consistent I'll be with these, but I'll try my hardest to write at least one chapter a week! And kudos to "True Blackout". Sorry for the mistake, I was anxious to get my first chapter out. I'm definitely proofreading a lot more in the future.**

**-ZG**

Amy was beaming the next day. Not only had the text from Sheldon help lift her spirits, but news from the board had stated that new donations could fund the reactions a frog got from cocaine. Instead of running tests on Ricky, the whole lab decided to celebrate with a small party.

She got home from work and changed into her nightwear. It was unlikely that Sheldon would be contacting her, since the Relationship Agreement gave a set time of at least eight hours after the end of the date night of little communication for the boy friend and girlfriend to cool off. Then again, he had texted her the other night.

Usually she wore layers of clothing to keep her warm at night, but tonight the apartment was especially warm from the hot Pasadena weather. Instead it was a simple nightshirt with the number seventy-three on it, as it her father used to be a huge John Hannah/New England Patriots fan and this was his old jersey. It still went down to her knees.

She made a nice hot cup of tea and sat down on her couch in silence to ponder the recent events.

Maybe he had his phone hacked. Yes, that was very likely. When your password is always "Spock" it can be very easy to get into your electronics. Then again, maybe he saw how irritated she was and was trying to make up for it in a text as he had no money to buy her another tiara. Maybe he was sleep-texting. The options ran through her mind.

Maybe he was taking the relationship to the next level.

They had experienced little physical contact after they signed the agreement. She did indeed kiss and embrace him after he bought her the tiara, but he again proposed that they start their relationship back at the point they (or rather, he) found most pleasing, which happened to be them keeping themselves in control and not touching each other unless by accident. And even then it got uncomfortable.

The only contact they got was eye contact. It had been stimulating enough for the first couple of months, but now it was just sort of a habit for them.

She got up and searched her computer for emails when her computer beeped in for a Skype call. She answered it, and there was Sheldon's face, and his headboard. Apparently he was in his room.

"Hello, Amy," he said pleasantly. He frowned. "You're dressed differently."

She looked down. "I'm sorry Sheldon; I wasn't expecting you to call."

He waved his hand. "Oh, it is quite alright. If you may recall, seventy-three is my favorite number."

"Oh, so it is," Amy said. "What an unlikely probability." She looked around to get a better look of his room, even though she knew it would never change her view. "Why aren't you out in your living room?"

"Leonard and Penny are Beta Testing again," Sheldon said, rolling his eyes. "I wish not to be a part of such nonsense."

That stung a little for her. The fact that he called figuring out one's relationship "nonsense" caused her face to crumple up a little.

"Amy, are you okay?" Sheldon asked. "Are you experiencing difficult flatulence?"

She shook herself. "No, I don't think so. Just a…involuntary movement, I guess." She looked down. "I was wondering about your motives for that text you sent me last night."

For a split second, she thought he saw him act surprised, maybe even a little happy about her questioned. Sheldon then resumed to his usual vague face. "Well, I saw that something had been upsetting you last night. As I obviously didn't want the physical side of comforting, and it would not affect your schedule, I decided to say a small goodnight."

"Oh," she said. She was both happy and disappointed. He had been acting out in good intentions, and it seemed he truly cared for her feelings. Yet he still didn't want the physical side of being in a pair bond with someone else.

The silence most likely lasted for a couple moments, but it felt like hours. Neither of them had something to say, a rarity especially in Sheldon. He seemed to be pondering something, looking off screen. She could hear the faint tapping of his fingers on the mouse of the laptop.

Her home phone rang. They both jumped, but she was the one who spilled her drink all over herself. She looked up at Sheldon, who was becoming disturbed by the mess.

"Please hold for one second as I go grab that," she said. He nodded in agreement, and she looked over at the caller ID and groaned.

She came back. "It was a telemarketer."

"Ah, the pestering salesmen of the telecommunications universe," he mused.

She could feel the burning tea seeping onto her skin. "Sheldon, if you could please excuse me for a moment while I go change."

"Of course," he said.

She scurried back into her room and closed the door, not shutting it completely. It would only take a minute or so, anyways. She stripped off the shirt and felt the chill of the air on her bare back. She found the need for a bra during slumber inconvenient.

"Amy, I-" she heard Sheldon say.

She didn't even look in the door's direction. Right now she was a little furious at him. "Don't be so impatient, Sheldon! Give me a moment!" she snapped.

That seemed to shut him up. She didn't hear a single sound.

She bent over to her pajama drawer and pulled out a t-shirt and pajama shorts her mother had bought her an attempt to make her "more appealing to men". She wondered how Sheldon would react. But then again, it was just Sheldon…his asexuality would cause her appearance to be not of any importance. She turned around.

The door was wide open.

Amy wondered how long it had been swung open like that, but the look on Sheldon's face said it was long enough.

Sheldon Cooper was looking to find some pleasant company in Amy Farrah Fowler that night after being shunned back into his bedroom. The conversation had started out nicely, until she asked him the fateful sentence:

"I was wondering about your motives for that text you sent me last night."

At first, he unexpectedly felt euphoria. She had rightfully noticed his work, and it seemed to have been on her mind. He was happy to be on her mind. Wait, why? She was simply asking him to explain himself; he had no reason to be happy. It wasn't like he was explaining his path to his ten Nobel Prizes. He readjusted himself and explained his intentions.

He saw her face drop. Was she having a bad bowel movement? Or…was she upset? No, she couldn't be. Yes, she could.

And that sickening, brief sound: "Oh."

What did "oh" mean? Was she accepting it or just pushing the topic aside? And why was he wondering about this? It was trivial to contemplate another's emotions when they could be studying the facts of the Universe, outlining another webisode, or playing Counterfactuals. It was a meaningless pursuit, but since she wasn't speaking up maybe he could wander in his mind another moment—

The telephone rang. He jumped and almost threw the laptop onto the floor. Amy had spilt her drink all over herself, and he didn't like the sight of the mess. She came back over and explained the inconvenient and unnecessary call, and proceeded to her bedroom to change. She had closed the door, and he went on with his musing whilst he could.

Then the door slowly tilted back open. It caught his attention. Amy had just pulled off her nightshirt, and now there were just her purple panties and a bare back. Sheldon gulped. He felt his heart pounding, something that never happened. He was scared and needed to speak up.

"Amy, I-" he began, only to be interrupted.

"Don't be so impatient, Sheldon! Give me a moment!"

She bent over, and his heart rate increased again. He was beginning to sweat. It slowed down, but didn't die down fully when she covered herself with a shirt and pajama shorts. And even then, the shorts sported her legs, something Sheldon never really saw. He cocked his head to the side in interest.

Then she turned around and was shocked. He still had his head turned for a split second, but then quickly picked up a nearby book and pretended that he was reading it, though unfortunately he was on a page he had not yet read. He knew that had just spoiled the book for him, knowing that one section of information. He looked back up to Amy, who was still there in shock.

"Sheldon, you didn't happen to see that, did you?" she asked.

He knew he wasn't one to lie, but this embarrassment was the exception. I folded his book, trying not to blush. He cleared his throat. "No, not at all. Once I saw your door start to creak open I decided to amuse myself in a new book I had just purchased."

Amy walked towards him. _The legs_, he thought. He was so perplexed by them. He had seen Penny's legs, yet they did not make him feel as abnormal as Amy's did.

"I'm sorry for having inconvenienced you," Amy said. She sat back down. He became slightly troubled by the fact that she was not cleaning up the tea underneath her feet. If it were up to him, he would be already using a paper towel. Oh well. Not everyone is as perfect as him.

"Oh, it is no trouble," he reassured. "I find stained or sticky clothing unsuitable to sleeping. And example could be this past Monday, when Leonard spilled his soy milk. It was all over my Monday pajamas and I had to sleep in my briefs for the night." He shut his mouth quickly before continuing. Why had he said that to her? It was irrelevant to the topic at hand, which happened to be changing the topic.

Amy was wide-eyed, and she whispered an unmistakable "Hoo".

There was a moment of awkward silence.

Amy cleared her throat. "It seems to be, uh, getting late Sheldon." She avoided all eye contact with him. "I think I should he going."

He looked at her and gulped. "I think I should be doing the same."

They both shut their laptops within seconds of each other.

**Like I said, don't expect complete consistency. For I shall not give up! See you soon…**


	3. The Thursday Hypothesis

**Hey guys! I'm glad you liked the last chapter. This one doesn't have much action, but it will set up some things in the future. I hope you enjoy!**

**-ZG**

Dr. Leonard Hofstadter had lived with Sheldon for quite a long time now. He had grown to tolerate his idiosyncrasies and habits. He knew all of the emotions Sheldon expressed openly; then again, it was only between five and six. It was a start, though, seeing as he only really had three emotions he loudly expressed: panic, exasperation, and selfishness.

It slowly but surely grew to gratitude, remorse, and a slight twinge of compassion. There was always a slight twinge of an unseen emotion whenever he got carried away with something, or was too proud to show it. Being his roommate he knew how Sheldon would react to anything.

Until that morning.

Sheldon was prone to panic. He was scared of almost everything. Yet this panic was new. He had only seen it once before and even then he couldn't grasp it. He was sure Sheldon must've been sick.

The symptoms called for easy distractibility, wild-looking eyes, heightened breathing, and furiously-moving hands. Leonard thought Sheldon's mental wall, though already being severely cracked, had caved in.

He poured himself some coffee and watched Sheldon as he stared off into space. He had circles under his eyes.

"How did you sleep last night?" he asked, waiting for him to answer. He already knew what he was about to say, but after years of being under Sheldon's constant schedules and dictatorship it was nice to have a little fun with him.

Sheldon looked up and gave his best koala face. "Oh fine. I slept like a newborn."

"Did you, now?" Leonard asked sarcastically.

"Are you implying something?" Sheldon interrogated.

"Sheldon, you've got bags under your eyes and a five o-clock shadow," he pointed out. "I'm implying that you're lying."

"That rhymed," Sheldon said. "Its funny how we humans have found ourselves enjoying lyric-like poetry with a steady beat and phonetically similar words. Then again, I have no respect for poetry as it is. It seems like-"

"Stop rambling, please," Leonard begged. "You're obviously trying to change the topic."

"And why would I do that?" Sheldon started rapidly dipping his tea bang into a new cup of boiled water. "Changing the topic would mean that I'm nervous. And by stating that I'm nervous the feeling insinuates I might be hiding something, whether it is a secret or an emotion or the contents of the video chat I had with Amy Farrah Fowler…" He looked up. "And trust me Leonard, I'm not hiding anything."

Leonard smiled. "Are you having girlfriend troubles?" He sauntered lazily over to his chair. "Because if you are I could certainly help you there."

Sheldon added a spoonful of sugar to his tea and mixed it in with a snort. "Please. You've had more failed relationships than the _Saw_ franchise has movies." He quickly walked over to his spot. "I won't be talking to you about my emotions and relationship regarding Amy Farrah Fowler." He quickly added, "If I came across such things."

`"Okay, buddy. You do what you want." Leonard smiled. He had never seen this side of Sheldon before.

Leonard obviously wasn't going to work out. Once he left to go grab the mail, Sheldon snuck across the hallway and was about to knock on Penny's door when he heard her giggling while someone was talking. He immediately recognized the voice as Amy's. He leaned in closer to give better definition to his so-called Vulcan Hearing.

"Why are you laughing?" Amy asked. "It was extremely uncomfortable."

"I know, sweetie," Penny's voice responded. "Calm down. It's just so hilariously awkward. Did he peek?"

There was a silence, and then a giggle. That meant it could still either be a nod or a shaking of the head. Sheldon leaned in closer.

"And how do you know?" Penny asked.

"Well, he tried to make it look like he was reading, but I saw him before. I think he looked quite interested."

Drat.

Penny started cracking up. "You're joking right?"

"Why would I be joking?" Amy asked seriously.

"I'm sorry, but this is _Sheldon_ we're talking about. He's been hit on and each time he's just as clueless and uninterested as he was before."

Sheldon straightened himself and took a break from the conversation. Surely he would remember a female being attracted to him. Why wouldn't they be? He wasn't revolting. He searched for instances in his life when he had been hit on. But each time he came close to a valuable example he realized it was not so. That one was simply amused by him. That one didn't like the couch and had asked for the comfort of his bed, which he gave to them and sanitized the next morning.

He leaned back in. Penny hadn't stopped laughing.

"So, did you guys just end it there?" she asked with a slight giggle in her voice.

"No, we continued on for a little bit more," Amy answered. "Though, the conversation ended abruptly when Sheldon mentioned that he had recently slept in nothing but his underwear."

Sheldon blushed. He was hoping no one would know, and that Amy would not be seduced by the need to gossip. Apparently, for once, he was incorrect.

Penny burst out laughing. It made him blush even more.

"I'm so sorry…was he drunk last night?" Penny asked. "Because when he is he has a habit of losing his pants."

Amy sighed. "Sadly, no. But the thought made me aroused. I tried to hide the best I could, bestie."

"But…?"

"The 'hoo' came out."

"Oh, Amy. I'm sure he doesn't know," Penny reassured.

"Thanks, bestie," Amy said. "You're reassurance and flawlessly soft skin is comforting. Alas, he was the one who helped me diagnose was symptoms of arousal when I first met Zach."

"So…what happened after that?" Penny asked.

"There was a pause, and then we said goodnight and I ended the call." Sheldon heard Amy sigh.

"Now sweetie," Penny said. "Let's get that confused brain loose. I'll grab the wine."

Sheldon walked back over to his apartment. Apparently, it wasn't a very good time to barge in on Penny.

"So what's your next step going to be?" Penny asked Amy as she poured them their glasses of wine. She was trying to be calm, but the thought of Sheldon _actually _being physically attracted to someone was making her giggle with excitement. It was too adorable.

"Well, I don't know," Amy said. "I worry that he might terminate the relationship, but I haven't been given the notice yet."

"Sweetie, don't worry about that," Penny reassured. "You saw him the last night you guys broke up. I don't think he can afford to clean up that much cat hair again." She walked over and handed Amy her wine. "And it's only been a twelve hours since it happened. If he doesn't speak to you, then you've got to keep this thing going."

"And how do I do that?" Amy's face was becoming worried, almost panicky.

"He's obviously interested in you," she said. "So why not make him more interested?"

"You mean…?" Amy gasped in shock. "Oh, no, bestie. You're beautiful body and golden hair may be able to seduce any man, but look at me! I could never be you."

"Oh, Amy. If he was interested in the back of you topless I think it would be even better if he saw the front. And I don't mean doing the nasty exactly, but just seeing how far he will go."

"When? How? Where?" Amy was a fury of questions.

"Ask him out to a date on Thursday," Penny said knowingly.

"But next Thursday isn't date night."

"No, but it is anything-can-happen Thursday. So that means…well, anything can happen." She sipped her wine. She tried to get the image out of her mind of Sheldon getting laid, now that it was being discussed.

Amy sat in silence for a little while, looking down. "I think that might work." She looked up to Penny. "Thank you, bestie. I should get going now."

Amy walked out the door.

"Wait!" Penny said. "Your wine!" She looked at the glass. "Oh well, more for me."


	4. The Produce Repulsion

**I really hope that chapter didn't bore you too much. I know Penny might seem a little mean from the last chapter, but forgive me, I wrote it late at night. Disclaimer: the writers of the Big Bang Theory own everything. I am a simple fan who wishes to only own the plot line.**

**-ZG**

"So how's the wedding planning going, dude?" Raj asked Howard. The group of guys was huddled around the table full of Thai food.

"I think everything is going great," Howard said. "But Bernadette is all 'these bouquets aren't arranged right' 'the tablecloths should be regal purple, not pastel' 'my shoes haven't come in yet' 'Howard stop playing Halo and listen to me'." He sighed. "It's exhausting."

"Give her a break, Howard," Leonard said. "She's the bride. She wants to have her dream wedding."

"Exactly!" Raj exclaimed. "I mean, if I was the bride, I would want silk table skirts and an entrance with fireworks and doves…" Raj was suddenly lost in thought.

"I find the need for an extravagant wedding unnecessary," Sheldon pointed out. "After all, it is only stating that these two people shall be in a commitment. It isn't as if they weren't already. There is no physical change or emotional change."

"So should we have made a big ceremony for you checking out Amy the other night?" Howard retorted.

Sheldon jumped. "I—I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Please. Penny told me everything," Leonard said. "And, considering how unusual it was, I told Howard and Raj."

"And I told my mother, who is most likely talking about it with her Bingo party," Howard said.

"And I told my parents…however, they were far more interested in setting me up with an eighty year-old widow…" Raj contributed. He frowned.

"Well I'm sorry to inform you, but I was not 'checking her out' as you say," Sheldon said. "I was merely examining the human body, more specifically that of Amy Farrah Fowler."

"Oh, come on!" Leonard complained. "That's just the clinical way of saying…well…that you were checking her out."

"I find your need to know every detail of my relationship very disturbing," Sheldon revealed.

"We all want to know," Howard explained. "You're Sheldon Cooper. The man who can barely stand a dentist appointment and eat produce from the supermarket."

"Hey, even with latex gloves I have no idea where those fingers have been. And have you noticed how many people touch the produce to see if it's ripe? All those germs…and not to mention the bruising." He shook his head. "Besides, it was simple curiosity. Just because Marie Curie wanted to find radium didn't mean she wanted to get infected by it."

"But she did," Raj pointed out.

"It amazes me how you can turn a simple analogy into something regarding coitus," he huffed. "Now let's be men and play old school Mario."

It had been almost three days since Amy and Sheldon's webcam incident. They had no contact with each other. However, Amy was delighted to see the continuation of the goodnight texts.

Amy sat in front of her lap top on her bed. She was beginning to find the pajama shorts quite comfortable seeing that an impending laundry day was yet to clean her nightshirt. She was scanning Netflix for a good movie to watch on Thursday if Sheldon accepted her invitation. They would have to be in the range of what he called good taste. She had narrowed it down between Tomb Raider, the Iron Man sequel, and Star Trek: First Contact.

She inhaled deeply and logged onto Skype. She hit Sheldon's name and patiently waited.

Sheldon was exasperated with the behavior of his group of friends. It was simple scientific curiosity.

Right?

Then again, even the thought of the experience made him feel light-headed. Perhaps he was becoming ill, or hadn't taken enough vitamins.

He retreated back into his room with his laptop, hoping to find some answers with help from Google. He typed in his symptoms.

_Elevated heart rate, light-headed, loss of breath, distracted, and clamminess._

He listed out the possible diseases. Through many online tests he came down to five answers that, though some were unlikely, were very probable.

He spoke the diseases out loud.

"Anxiety, swelling of the inner ear, iron deficiency, aspirin poisoning and sexual arous—sexual arousal?" He shook his head. "WebMD, you are being taken off of my favorites list." He started going down the list.

"Anxiety? Well, I haven't felt the need to at the moment. Unless that speech with 31 adults had something to do about it…no, I don't think so. Swelling of the inner ear?" He paused. "No, I can still hear the conversation outside. Iron deficiency? I don't find myself specifically irritable. And I haven't been vomiting so it can't be aspirin poisoning." He looked at the last option. "And that one is out of the question."

He placed the list neatly at his nightstand.

"Curiouser and curiouser…" he pondered. He was about to close the laptop when the Skype ringtone called in. It was Amy.

He wondered if he should pick it up. He was afraid of discussing the last time they communicated, but after being surrounded by so many inferior minds he wanted to talk to one the closest to his caliber.

He accepted the call.

Amy's face appeared on his screen. She was not in her office or her living room/kitchen. It was someplace unfamiliar.

"Hello, Sheldon," Amy said. She was still making little eye contact.

"Hello, Amy," Sheldon said sheepishly. He knew too well that there would be a horrible silence ahead, so he steered to a topic to discuss. "Where are you, exactly?"

Amy looked reassured and looked at him. "I'm in my bedroom."

"Oh…why?" He started feeling dizzy again.

Amy shrugged. "It's a very good place for reflection and relaxation."

"I see."

There was a pause.

"Sheldon, I called to ask you something," Amy said.

He started to panic. Would she ask about his thoughts on the previous conversation? He was already preparing a fool-proof lie of how he noticed a bee in her direction and was going to warn her, thinking she was allergic.

"Go ahead," Sheldon said. "As my father used to say, 'shoot before it rips your face off.' Of course, he gave that advice to my cousin Finn and he's been unrecognizable since 1993…"

"As I was saying," she continued. "I was wondering if maybe you would like to come over to my apartment to watch a movie this Thursday night."

"But next Thursday isn't date night," Sheldon said. "And even if it was we couldn't. There would be no restaurant involved."

"Isn't it anything-can-happen Thursday?" Amy pointed out.

"Well…yes," he considered.

"If you don't want to, it's fine," Amy said quickly. "I was just wondering. And it doesn't have to be a movie specifically. We haven't done Fun with Flags in a while, and I have some new Counterfactuals cards I made up."

Was that a look of…desperation? _No_, Sheldon thought. _It couldn't be._ However, he could see the need. He knew more than anyone that having him around was pleasing. Maybe even addicting. She hadn't seen him in a while…why not?

"Now, now. Calm down. I would very much enjoy a—as society calls it—'movie night' with you," he said, answering her question. "I'm sure that somehow Leonard and the others can enjoy the night without my intelligence."

"Good," Amy said. There was a hint of relief and happiness in her voice. "I had some movies picked out-"

"Within enjoyable parameters?" Sheldon asked. It was like old times again.

"Of course," she stated. "Now I have eliminated the options down to three options: Tomb Raider, Iron Man 2, and Star Trek: First Contact."

"I thought you didn't like Star Trek."

"I've heard good things about this one. And I happened to catch an episode of Next Generation one night and found it tolerable."

"Well it's obvious that we can only watch Tomb Raider," he concluded.

Amy raised an eyebrow. "How so?"

"I've recently seen Iron Man 2 fresh from the theaters," he explained. "And even though I enjoy the movie, Data is a prominent character."

"I thought you would find Data to be a relatable character." She smiled at her own joke.

"Oh, ha ha. Yes, I do enjoy the character. Alas, he is played by Brent Spiner, who has recently replaced Will Wheaton to be a nemesis of mine."

"So…Tomb Raider?" Amy asked him in clarification. "I haven't seen it before…"

"Oh, you'll enjoy it," Sheldon reassured. "Make sure to buy Red Vines and Diet Coke."

"Of course," she reasoned. "Anything else?"

He shook his head.

There was a distant beeping sound.

"I'm sorry, Sheldon. It seems like I have gotten a text. Wait here for a moment."

She set the computer down, and he saw that she was wearing the pajama shorts.

_Oh dear Lord_, he thought. _I'm hoping she washed those_. However, that thought was shoved aside. _The legs. They were there again!_

He felt the symptoms elevate.

_It's not arousal_, he chanted in his mind. _It's not arousal. You only kept it there because you had 4 out of 8 symptoms. You need 5 out of 8 for it to actually, possibly be there._

Amy came back. She didn't move the computer back to its original position, but instead kept it where it was. She sat criss-cross-applesauce.

"It was my lab. The parrots we are using for alcoholism have finally started replacing 'Polly want a cracker' with 'Polly want a pint'."

"Well that's, uh, pleasing," Sheldon said. He gulped and became wide-eyed.

"Is something wrong?" Amy repositioned herself so that she was leaning forward. Her neckline shifted and revealed a bare shoulder.

"Oh, uh, no," he said. "I'm just very excited." He was content with what he said, but realized the double-entendre of his answer. "For movie night!" he added quickly.

Amy raised an eyebrow. "Okay…good." She sat back and yawned. "I'm sorry, Sheldon. It's been a long day, so I think I'm going to go to bed. See you on Thursday." She signed off.

Sheldon shut his laptop and set it aside. He felt tingly all over, but it seemed to be strengthened around one spot in particular…

He quickly grabbed his list. He crossed out the first four, and then reluctantly circled the last.

"It's only 5 out of 8," he said to reassure himself, and turned off his light to fall asleep. He hadn't even changed into his pajamas.


	5. The Red Vine Inquiry

**Hello my viewers! I'm glad to see that you are still enjoying the story and haven't completely abandoned me yet. I've decided to put parentheses about who's view it is so people don't get confused…I have put line breaks in before but FF -decided to be a little bitch and leave them out. Oh well…enjoy!**

**-ZG**

**(Penny)**

She had never seen Sheldon this nervous. The only measurable instance that was like this was when he had to give his big speech. But this nervous was different. He wasn't openly confessing his fears like he usually did. He was muttering to himself, almost in reassurance.

After trying to comprehend what he was saying in between fast breaths, she heard it.

"It's only 5 out of 8," he muttered. "It's only 5 out of 8. Nothing to worry about. It's only 5 out of 8…"

Penny had come in that morning for coffee, and she saw him like this. Actually, he had been this way for a couple days.

She walked over to Leonard. "Do you know what's going on?"

He shook his head. "He keeps alternating between that and saying he needs to go to the doctor for his tachycardia."

"How long has this been going on?" She eyed Sheldon carefully. He was bent over the stove making eggs.

"Since Tuesday, I think," Leonard approximated. "It all started when he was watching Doctor Who in the clothes he had on the previous night."

"Interesting…wait, you said Tuesday, right?" Penny's eyes went wide, and her mouth rose into a smile. "Oh, that is just adorable!"

Sheldon was obviously getting uncomfortable in front of them. She knew he could hear everything, but she kept talking to get him to spill.

"What's adorable?" Leonard asked.

She leaned in close and started whispering to him. "On Tuesday, Amy asked Sheldon over for a movie night."

"So?" he asked.

Penny smiled a little more. "I think our little Sheldon is finally reaching puberty."

"Alright," Sheldon interjected, turning around. He had broken away from his catatonic state. "It seems things have been mixed up in the word vine. Yes, I am going over to Amy Farrah Fowler's house tonight. But only to watch a movie, I may remind you. I have no idea what's going on in your dirty mind, but whatever it is it isn't going to happen!" He turned around and started scrambling his eggs at a furious rate.

Penny shook her head and held her hands up in a gesture of giving up. "Okay, okay. I get it." She headed out the door. "You kids have fun tonight."

She smiled and shook her head after she closed the door. "Oh, sweetie," she said. "You have no idea what you're getting into."

**(Sheldon)**

He saw the door in front of him. The number 314, the first three digits of Pi, and the cool turquoise paint. He could hear her inside, mumbling to herself in a voice so low even he couldn't comprehend what she said. He took a deep breath and knocked.

_Knock, knock, knock. _"Amy."

_Knock, knock, knock. _"Amy."

_Knock, knock, knock._ "Amy."

There she was, out of the blue. Had she done something different? Her clothes were the same, her shoes were the same, and her face was the same. But her hair, it was not down and in barrettes as it was usually. Instead, it was up in a bun, something he had only seen once before.

"Hello, Sheldon," she said, and looked him straight in the eye. He was not able to reciprocate.

He looked down at his shoes to hide the fact that his face felt hot. "Hello, Amy."

She moved one hand out and pointed it to the inside of her apartment. "Come in. I'll get the movie started."

He saw that the apartment was the same, except for the tub of Red Vines, a can of Diet Coke, and a bottle of wine with two glasses.

_She must hate backwash as much as I do_, Sheldon thought. _Surely that's why she has two cups there._

He sat down on his side of the couch, fidgeting with his hands. This spot on the couch had been witness to a good number of unlikely events: his first kiss, a negotiation to snuggling for a night, and an embarrassing moment involving bongos and passing out.

He saw her crouch down to slide the DVD into the player. She grabbed the remote and enthusiastically plopped herself down on the couch. She skipped through the previews and pressed play once more.

He was taking in all her actions, everything she did. He hadn't laid a finger on the food in front of him. She stared intently on the screen, and soon enough he decided to, also. He wasn't interested much, however. He had seen the movie many times, 26 to be exact.

He leaned forward and bit at the ends of a Red Vine, opened his Diet Coke can, and slipped the licorice inside. He began to drink.

"What are you doing?" Amy asked.

He was surprised. Had he done something wrong? Did he violate a rule in her apartment? "Just drinking Diet Coke…" He raised an eyebrow in caution. "Why?"

"Oh, I've never seen that before," she said with a smile. Sheldon's tachycardia started up again. "Does it taste good?"

"It is very sweet," Sheldon reasoned. "But I like it for the unlikely instance that the licorice is a straw and the quirkiness of it." He turned to face the movie. _Everything is fine. All is well._

"Hmm," she mused. "I like that word." Amy continued her gaze on the television screen.

He turned back to her. "Which one? There were a total of 23 words in that phrase."What are you doing?" His tachycardia was getting faster, and he was beginning to perspire. "This isn't in the Relationship Agreement."

"Yes it is," Amy said in a matter-of-fact fashion. "The Hand Holding Clause."

"That is only when one partner feels jealous," Sheldon explained. "And I see no outside force that would make it so."

She looked at him. "On the contrary. Look, there is a stunning Angelina Jolie in front of you. Many a man has fallen for her looks. I wish to assert dominance and regain your knowledge that I am your girlfriend, and therefore Angelina will not sneak into your dreams tonight."

"Oh," he said. "Alright then."

He slowly latched back onto her hand and continued to drink his Diet Coke through the rest of the movie. Their hands never parted. At one point he felt he needed to relieve himself, but he stayed where he was. He didn't know why, but something was keeping him there.

The movie ended. He felt her reluctantly unclasp her hand and stand up to remove the DVD.

"I found that movie enjoyable," Amy stated. "I can see why you like it so much."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," Sheldon said. He knew that usually he would say he was leaving and then exit the apartment, but he stayed where he was.

Amy sighed as she rested herself on the couch once again. "Tonight was fun. I was thoroughly pleased with how comfortable it was, especially regarding recent events."

_Oh dear Lord she's finally brought it up_. He was about to explain himself, saying that he hasn't been feeling well and that they should reset their relationship as they had once before. But she spoke before he could open his mouth.

"Sheldon, I want to propose something," she said, looking to the ground.

"And what do you wish to propose?" he asked. He started to panic; was she breaking up with him?

She turned to him. She leaned over towards him, but he found himself not moving away. Instead, he was moving in closer, as if she had a secret to say. And soon enough, their lips made contact.

**Excited now? I'm starting up on the next chapter, but I don't know how long it will take. But please, I beg of you, review. Silence doesn't give me anything. Love ya guys! -ZG**


	6. The Word Enigma

**I Love you all so much! Your reviews are amazing! I'm so glad you like my story. Btw, go check out a Shamy fanfic by Kilimanjaro. It's amazingly sweet and original. I love all my readers. Sorry for how late this is, I'm in the school play and this week is Hell Week. So be patient! Review, please! It's nice to know you're there.**

**-ZG**

**#**

Everything had gone according to plan. Sure, Sheldon didn't bother with the wine, but it didn't seem to matter now.

He hadn't leaned away when she came near him, and now it was obvious that he wasn't going to pull away. All their kisses were like that…mostly because she initiated them.

_Okay, things are going well_, she thought. _Now let's move it a little further._

She let her tongue out and parted his mouth. She waited as she moved it around. She was beginning to lose hope. He was just shocked, maybe. Then cautiously and slowly she felt his tongue move, too.

_He was interested! _she thought.

She applied pressure brought him down so that his head was on the armchair. She had his arms around him. He was reciprocating, but he laid there like he was paralyzed from the neck down.

Amy felt the need for air. She drew away from him, laying on him. She took a good look at his face.

His blue eyes were wide, his mouth slightly open. He looked shocked, to say the least. His mouth started to quiver, as if he was going to say something.

_Give him some space_, a little voice suggested. She complied and stood up, letting him reposition himself back into his regular seating position. He looked different, however; his shoulders were tensed, and he looked away and found interest in the door.

She waited for him to say something, but for a whole two minutes he just looked away.

Then he turned to her.

She expected multiple responses. Some were hopeful, others dreadful. But his was inconclusive. And Amy hated inconclusive.

"Amy, I—I have to go," Sheldon said in a voice that squeaked to an octave higher. He put on his coat and opened the door. He turned back over to her, but looked down at the floor. "Goodnight."

And he left her there, confused. She did know one thing, though. She wasn't going to get a goodnight text.

**#**

_What just happened?_

Sheldon didn't like roaming around the streets at night alone, but it was better than being faced with nagging questions from Leonard and Penny or having to talk to Amy in the car. He sat down at the bus stop and replayed the events that had just occurred twenty minutes ago.

When she kissed him, his mind went blank. It was exactly like the other times: both scary and enlightening. His mind was his most precious resource, and yet it was interesting to get another view. All he could do was feel, both on the inside and outside. He couldn't see or comprehend. And, for some reason, he knew that he enjoyed it.

He felt the pressure, and suddenly her tongue was in his mouth. His mind tried to regain itself and push her away, but it faded into an unknown abyss. To his surprise, he felt himself reciprocating. He felt tingles, which were still lingering on him now. They were new, a change. It made him cautious to have them.

He felt pressure on him, and the armrest on his head. He was lying down, and she was on top of him. Her arms were around him. He felt the need to reciprocate, but his mind told him it was illogical. The thoughts were returning, and they overflowed back into head. But only because she pulled away.

He wanted to say something. His thoughts on the matter needed to be expressed. _Fascinating. Frightening. Wonderful. Devastating._ They all cancelled each other out. And Sheldon still comprehended the fact that Amy had just kissed him.

When she stood up to let him readjust, he tried to think of things to say. But none came. For once, Sheldon Cooper was speechless. And even after searching for two whole minutes nothing came. Perhaps it was the place, the situation, the environment. He needed to leave so he could think straight.

So he said goodnight and was now on the bus home. He didn't even mind the fact that these weren't his Bus Pants.

The words…they still escaped him. Yet the ones he had thought of were all correct. It was extremely fascinating that one person could knock out all the sense of Sheldon Cooper. It was terrifying that such a thing was possible. It was wonderful, eye-opening. He was even smiling when he thought about it! And yet it was devastating. His previous notions on the Homo Novus were incorrect. His notions on _himself_ were incorrect.

All the feelings could be possible. All the intertwining emotions were fully probable. They could be mixed, unidentified, misunderstood…

And suddenly he thought of the word as he finished walking up the stairs and faced apartment 4A.

_Indefinable._

That needed to change.

**#**

Sheldon acted strangely when he entered the apartment that night. For one, he didn't speak. And secondly, he casually threw his things onto the couch. Then he went over to bookshelf, grabbed the large Random House Dictionary they kept on the top shelf, and scurried into his room.

Leonard thought nothing of it. After all, Sheldon was Sheldon. He had been the owner of 25 cats, caused a power outage in the building to get his own personal chauffer back, and used a ball pit to try to figure out an equation.

It only started becoming odd when he heard the mumbling. Leonard had eavesdropped many times during the day to catch up on what he was doing.

He leaned towards the door to Sheldon's room and listened.

"Could it be 'luxuriant'" Sheldon asked to himself. There was a pause. "No, no it couldn't be…Lyrical? It had hardly anything to do with music…"

It went on like this for another two days, until Leonard heard the eventful slam of the book being closed, and the knob of the door twitching to the side.

Sheldon hardly looked like himself. He had a light covering of whiskers on his face and his hair was matted down from not showering from so long. He had a tired but wild look in his eyes, and his waddled down to the refrigerator. He grabbed a six pack of yogurt and a spoon.

"Hey, buddy," Leonard said while he sat in his chair. "Whatcha doing in there?"

Sheldon looked at Leonard with fakest but craziest smiles he had ever seen. "Oh, nothing you have to worry about."

He grabbed the yogurt and made his way to his bedroom again.

"Now I just have to narrow down the 153 possible answers down to one," he said. "Shouldn't be a problem."

Leonard took out his cell phone the minute the door closed. He dialed the number and waited. "Hey, Raj? Yeah, Sheldon's finally lost it. Yeah, I didn't think it was possible to go further either, but it's happened. Could you come over with Howard later tonight? Thanks."

**#**

Amy was sobbing while Taylor Swift music was playing in her apartment. _That was such a bad idea_, she told herself. _Now you've scared off your first boyfriend…and probably the only boyfriend you've ever had. Nice going, Fowler._

She held herself up enough to go to work the next day. Perhaps she could talk to Sheldon in his office. Yet he wasn't there. Was he really trying to avoid her to the farthest extent? She repeated the cycle that night: denial, crying, and a mix of ice cream and depressing music dashed with a romantic movie. It was the social convention.

She had told Penny and Bernadette everything. They came over each day to comfort and console her.

The day after that, however, came the furious stage. She was pissed at him to the furthest extent. _He doesn't deserve me! Screw him! If Armen actually existed, he'd be all over me right now!_

Then she became calm. This had to be fixed, and she had to figure out why he had done what he did. So she finally checked her phone. There were two texts from Sheldon.

Both were saying goodnight.

She sighed and formulated a quick message. She sent it and waited.

**#**

He had it down to three words. He was so close…and then she texted him. And suddenly he realized all the things that he had left out in his search. The words were all wrong! All his research, for nothing. He picked up the phone and read the message.

_Hey, Sheldon. Can you come over tonight? We need to talk about some things_

Oh dear Lord, the panic attack was starting. He didn't want to confront her about the kiss without a definition, and he didn't really want to confront her at all. All the events were leading up to this, but he realized that he had let it sit too long. It would all come out in one conversation….they would have to talk about _emotions_.

Sheldon shuddered at the thought.

There was a knocking on his door.

"Sheldon?" a voice asked. It was Howard's. "Could you come out here for a second?"

He came out to the living room to find Leonard, Penny, Howard,Bernadette and Raj seated in a circle, all looking at him.

Penny sat next to his spot, which she patted. "Sit down, sweetie," she said.

He complied.

"Listen, Sheldon," Leonard said. "We've been sort of worried about you lately."

"Why?" Sheldon asked. "All I've been doing is research."

"Over what? All we've heard is you talking over yourself like a crazy man," Howard said.

Raj took a sip of beer. "Yeah dude, look at yourself. You haven't showered in days."

"Isn't it okay to have natural oils on the body sometimes?" Sheldon asked. "And to answer your question, Howard, I find a word is escaping me to describe an event and I must find it immediately."

"Event?" Leonard asked.

Penny giggled. "Sweetie, does this have something to do with you and Amy a couple nights ago?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sheldon said with his nose up high.

"Sweetie, you do realize that girl tells me everything that goes on in her life," Penny said.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Raj interjected. "What happened with Amy a couple nights ago?"

"It's nothing you need to know," Bernadette said.

"Well something happened and I want to find out!" Howard said, looking over to Bernadette. He looked over to Sheldon. "Did you guys do it?"

Bernadette slapped him on the chest. He recoiled and rubbed the place of impact.

"Alright!" Penny yelled, standing up. "Guys: out!"

"Why? It's my apartment," Leonard said.

"This is girl stuff."

"But Sheldon's not a girl!"

Penny fished out a couple bills. "Go down to the comic book store and buy yourself something, okay?"

Leonard hesitantly took the money and left.

The minute he shut the door the girls crowded around Sheldon.

"You need to talk to Amy!" Bernadette ordered. "She's been crying ever since you rushed out of the apartment."

"I have been talking," Sheldon said. "I sent her goodnight texts."

"That's not enough," Bernadette told him. "You need to talk to her and explain to her what happened."

"She has no idea why you got up and left," Penny informed.

Sheldon's eyes widened. Of course! That was what was upsetting her. But…all the emotions. Would he really have to express such things?

"I see what's going on here," he said. "You see, the first time she kissed me, I had said it was fascinating. It was the perfect word to fit the situation; after all, it was a new experience and I had gained new insight on the matter. However, when…well, you know—when that happened I had no word to explain it. I could tell her everything else about my experience except for how to describe it. So I grabbed the dictionary and started searching. However, I find myself at an impasse. I cannot find a word to describe what happened."

Penny shook her head. "Sweetie, having feelings and all that isn't meant to be fully described. It's kept mysterious."

Keep it undefined? But that would make it be a limbo between tangible and intangible. He could feel it, know it, yet it wasn't on paper.

"But mysterious is inconclusive. I don't like inconclusive."

"Yeah, well neither does Amy," Bernadette pointed out. "And to her it's still inconclusive as to why you just left her there after your little lip-locking!"

She poked him square in the chest. Was she really feeling this way? He rubbed his chest and thought for a moment.

"Alright. I'll go wash up and then I'll go over to her place." He walked up the stairs.

Penny opened up the door to her apartment. Leonard, Howard, and Raj fell to the ground.

Leonard looked up at an angry Penny and gave a crooked smile. "We're back from the comic book store!"


	7. The Yoohoo Exclamation

**Hello my babies! I'm glad to see you reacting well to the chapter before. Right now Hell Week is living up to its name, and even though I can easily type while waiting in the band room to set up for the next act, I'm too exhausted to upload anything when I have Internet at home. I hope you enjoy this next chapter. Forgive me, the outline for this was very vague.**

**-ZG**

**#**

There it was again. That turquoise door, with the number 314 clinging to the top, was in front of his face. The time was exactly 9:18, and the ticking handle on his pocket watch had already gone halfway through its cycle. He sighed and looked up at the door again.

_Knock, Knock, Knock._ "Amy."

_Knock, Knock, Knock._ "Amy."

_Knock, Knock, Knock._ "Amy."

He waited patiently as he could clearly hear trudging footsteps and low grumbling. The door opened unto a disheveled Amy, who was wearing her 73 nightshirt and her hair in a messy ponytail. Her eyes were red, and there was a look of surprise and anger mixed on her face.

She shut the door.

_Knock, Knock, Knock._ "Amy."

_Knock, Knock, Knock._ "Amy."

_Knock, Knock, Knock._ "Amy."

"Go away!" she yelled at him. "And don't knock again!"

Her rolled his eyes and scanned the places around the door. There was a simple plant on the table to his right. He cautiously maneuvered around the dirt and held in his hands a silver key with the number 314 on it.

"Amy, you undermine the power of statistics," he muttered. He stuck the key in and opened the door.

Amy had a bag of Dove chocolates to her side as she watched a Lifetime movie. She jumped when she heard the door creak open.

"Amy, you need to find a better hiding spot for your spare key," Sheldon said as he placed the mentioned item on the table. "A plant? Really? That is the most—"

"Sheldon, I said leave," she said to him, but with less force. It was a wavering sound, and very squeaky.

Sheldon ignored her plea. "Why are you watching television dramas and eating chocolate?" he asked.

She sighed. "Because, Sheldon, it is the social convention for a woman to eat unhealthy food and watch C-list actors in the biggest roles of their life when they are upset with their boyfriend. The other option was burning everything you own, but I hate getting smoke in eyes and who knows what I essential to you getting your Nobel Prize."

"That's reasonable," he commented. "But why are you upset?"

"Oh let's see," Amy said, leaning forward. "Maybe it's because of the fact that after you and I engaged in an intimate moment, you ran off and didn't speak a word to me!"

Sheldon was perplexed. Was she really asking him, or was it that beast called being sarcastic? "Sarcasm?" he asked.

Amy nodded. "Penny taught me a little. I still don't get it." She shook her head. "The point is, you rudely left me here, in this exact spot, without contacting me for the past couple days!"

"I sent you goodnight texts," Sheldon defended meekly.

"That isn't communication. It's a ritual, like saying 'hello' to your neighbor even though you don't know their name."

His eyes widened. "Ah, now I see." He sat down. "Let me explain myself. You see, after each of our…moments, I guess, I found the proper word to describe each…moment. Such as 'fascinating' or 'uncomfortable' or 'interesting'. Yet, this time, the word escaped me. The first ones I thought of cancelled each other out, so I went home to grab a dictionary. I searched, but the word isn't there. It hasn't been invented yet. Penny is under the peculiar notion that such a…moment should be left undefined and inconclusive. But you know that neither of us like inconclusive."

"So, are you thinking of rebooting the relationship again?" Amy asked softly. He could tell that she was happy, but she was also full of doubt. "You know, like we usually have?"

"I gave some thought to that on the way here," he informed her. "But I've decided that things like this are indeed going to happen, and it's not like I can repress anything with my eidetic memory. I'm sorry to say that…well, I was wrong to do so at all, because the purpose of rebooting the relationship would be in vain."

He gulped. He hated being wrong, but it seemed like if he was going to tell anyone he was wrong, it had best be Amy. His male companions would rub it in his face, and Penny would hold it against him for as long as she lived. At least Amy wouldn't judge or react in a ridiculous way.

Then she flung herself onto him.

"Sheldon, that is the sweetest thing you've ever done for me," she said. She was crying now, and it was staining his jacket.

"Amy, if you could please get off of me. Your tears will soil my favorite jacket."

She got up and brushed herself off. "I'm sorry. It seems I have let my emotions take control again."

"Perhaps I should teach you Kohlinar," Sheldon suggested.

"Or maybe you should lessen up on the Kohlinar," Amy rebutted.

He looked at her, startled. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that moments, as you call them, are something that I like," she explained. "I'm not saying that playing tonsil tennis, but some form of intimacy would be nice."

He looked down and considered it. "Alright. If it may keep you from soiling my jacket. I'll draw up a document to be set up in the Relationship Agreement that will establish the parameters."

Amy cleared her throat. "Thank you, Sheldon. Shall I come over to discuss the parameters?"

"Now why on earth would you need to discuss the parameters? That's my job."

"Because as a woman I have needs, Sheldon. And you must comply."

"I hope you don't mean what you think you mean," he said, his face contorting into discomfort.

"No, but I mean something more than hand-holding. Light kissing, cuddling, hugging…those types of things." She got up. Sheldon spotted them again. _The legs. Why do they fascinate me so?_ "Do you want some Yoohoo?"

"Yes," he said, looking over at her. She bent down to the bottom shelf of her refrigerator, revealing a small piece of fabric from her underwear. "Yoohoo indeed…" He shook his head, his eyes widening. What was making him say such things? He turned back. _Use Kohlinar…kohlinar…_

Amy whipped around. "What was that you said?"

"Oh, nothing," Sheldon said. He fiddled with his fingers. "But I guess you will need some of those…assorted things. Why don't you come over tomorrow after work? I'm sure Leonard would consent to driving us both back to the apartment."

"Okay," she said. She poured him the Yoohoo. "I just don't my car to be left overnight in the parking lot for hooligans, so you may need to pick me up in the morning also."

"Seems like it would be no problem," Sheldon reassured. Amy handed him the glass of Yoohoo. He looked at the movie playing. "It seems like these always have a predictable plot. Either they are a single, stubborn woman who, by either chance or 'magic', finds a male companion, or a mother who worries over her drug-crazed, sexually active, suicidal, or kidnapped child." He took a sip of his drink. "It makes no sense to change up the plot line."

"In every comic book the superhero saves a helpless woman and defeats the villain," Amy contributed. "That seems predictable."

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Women will never be able to understand comic books."


	8. The Booth Discomfort

**Hello my babies! I'm glad to hear you are enjoying my story, I'm very happy. Be free to review, favorite, and put me in your story alerts. Just remember that I love each and every one of you! Disclaimer: Chuck Lorre owns everything. I just have the obsession to write fanfiction.**

**-ZG**

**#**

She was ecstatic. He was becoming more flexible to her, even agreeing to alter the Relationship Agreement! She was smiling all day, even in the lab when Ricky's cigarette set fire to her lab coat. She didn't talk to him on the way to work about the agreement, lest it annoyed him enough to snuff the idea altogether, but she was practically holding herself back when she saw him and Leonard in the parking lot. She rested her face into an emotionless expression and calmly walked over and seated herself in the back while Sheldon and Leonard took the front.

"So, Amy," Leonard said as he backed the car out of its parking space, "why are you coming over?"

She raised an eyebrow, shocked. "Has Sheldon not told you yet?" she asked. She looked over to Sheldon. "Why haven't you told him?"

"It was never related to any topic I've discussed since last night," he explained. "I found no need to bring it up."

"Ah, no," Leonard interrupted. "I did ask you how your visit with Amy was last night."

"Yes, and I said it went well. You never asked me to go into details."

"Well I'm asking now," Leonard pointed out shyly.

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "If you want to know-"

"Sheldon's changing the Relationship Agreement!" Amy burst on in glee.

Sheldon pointed over to Amy. "What she said."

"Oh, like what? Are you guys adding an extra date night a week or something?" Leonard asked in boredom. _It couldn't be too big_, he thought. _It's Sheldon_.

"No, I'm…" He mumbled the rest of his sentence.

"Speak up?"

"I'm changing the Relationship Agreement to…" Mumbling again.

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you." Leonard was smiling. _This must be good_, he thought.

"Oh, for God's sakes!" Amy exclaimed. "He's altering the Relationship Agreement so that we can experience higher levels of physical intimacy. We haven't established the borders yet, and that is what we're doing tonight."

Leonard became suddenly intrigued. "Really?"

Sheldon was looking out the window. Amy could see through the side view mirror that he was blushing. Leonard smiled even more when he saw it, too.

"I'm impressed," he stated. He looked over to Amy. "So how long are you staying?"

"Most likely past dinner. I expect to be involved in many debates this evening."

"Okay, just as long as everyone else gets to see this."

Sheldon glared at Leonard. "It's a simple change of the agreement, Leonard. As my mother used to say, 'It's not the birth of baby Jesus.'"

"Oh, but its close," Leonard said.

**#**

They had retreated into Sheldon's bedroom with his laptop and a notary stamp. Penny watched with excitement as she saw the two walk up the stairs, already debating over the circumstances of hand holding, and followed them into the apartment. She shut the door, surprising Leonard.

"So what was that all about?" she asked, pointing towards the hallway.

"Apparently they're changing the Relationship Agreement," he informed her.

"To what? Are they changing their date restaurant or something?"

"No." He smiled. "They're rearranging their parameters of physical intimacy."

"You say it like they've already had physical intimacy." Then she realized what he said. Her mouth was in the form of an "O" and she immediately ran over to where Leonard was, which happened to be the kitchen. "No!"

He looked at her. "Yes."

"You've gotta be joking."

"I'm not."

"And Sheldon agreed to this?"

"Apparently."

He handed her a cup of coffee. She accepted it, and laughed in excitement. "So how far do you think they'll go?"

"Not sure. After their little make-out session, who knows?"

**#**

"Should we move onto the parameters of snuggling/cuddling?" he asked. He twitched a little, feeling discomfort both in the idea and the fact that, for some absurd reason, he was enjoying the thought of it.

"Sure," Amy said, shrugging.

He typed up the title. "Okay. Now, let's start with me."

"We always start with you."

"That is because the greatest always goes first."

Amy rolled her eyes. "Fine. What are your parameters?"

"I believe that snuggling/cuddling is the action of wrapping one's arms around each other with the female resting her head on the male's chest and male's head resting on the female's head or the back of whatever sitting device they are on," he told her. It was simple enough.

"But what about spooning?" Amy asked.

"I'm not one for spooning. I did it once, if you remember. It was not very enjoyable for either of us."

"True. Then I agree to that statement."

He typed up the definition of the matter. "Now it is your turn."

"A good topic would be places and situations where such action is acceptable," she suggested. "I believe that snuggling/cuddling can be done on either party's couches, a bench or booth on the designated date night, or on either party's beds in a reclined position that still holds the same requirements. Such situations include times of distress, relaxation, or movie."

"Why would be doing such action in a bed?" Sheldon asked.

Amy shrugged. "In case one of us has their leg injured, or one is in so much distress that they will not get up and go over to the couch."

"Unlikely, but true." Sheldon typed it into the document. "I can't agree with the booth because we never eat at a booth. They make me claustrophobic." It was true. The fact that he was cornered in a germ-infested hellhole next to either a wall where he was trapped on three sides or a window where people could stare at him was unsettling.

"Acceptable."

"And I believe in a one minute warning time."

Amy nodded.

He adjusted it to fit the changes. "I think we have covered every parameter."

"You forgot coitus, Sheldon," Amy pointed out.

"Well I thought it was insinuated that it was out of the question, and that it would not happen."

"Yeah, I did," Amy confessed. "I was just hoping for a different answer."

"So let me just read a summary for each of the intimacy parameters," Sheldon said, scrolling up. "First Act of Intimacy: Hand-Holding. Hand-holding is the action of placing one's fingers over another's fingers or palm and grasping. It acceptable in situations such as a walk, whether it be roaming around the zoo or down the lowly streets of Pasadena, in the situation stated in the previous Hand-Holding Clause, in the car if sitting next to each other, and situations explained before in the document, such as a handshake after a Nobel Prize and flu shots. There is no prior notice for this action."

Amy nodded. She grabbed the laptop. "Second Act of Intimacy: Hugging. Hugging involves wrapping one's arms around the other party and being in close contact in the chest area. Hugging is acceptable if saying goodbye, in need of comfort, or dancing. There will be a 30-second notice for this action."

Sheldon took his turn at reading. "Third Act of Intimacy: Snuggling/Cuddling. We just went over it, I think we have established the parameters fairly recently."

Amy nodded.

Sheldon cleared his throat. "Fourth Act of Intimacy: Kissing. Kissing is defined as placing one's lips onto the other party's lips or cheek. This acceptable when regulated in goodbyes, and is acceptable after another action of intimacy has occurred. There can be an instance of French kissing, but only after a five hour notice and both parties have washed, brushed, and flossed their mouths. The maximum time shall be one minute for regular kissing, and five for French. There will be a 30-second warning before such action takes place."

He printed out the document. _Ah, the smell of fresh legal documents in the afternoon_, he mused. He straightened them out and stapled them.

"Sign here, and here…and here," he directed her, and he did the same. He pulled out the notary stamp and pressed it onto the paper. "There. It's done. I'll make sure to e-mail you a copy sometime later tonight."

They exited the bedroom.

"Leonard, we must drive Amy back home," Sheldon stated.

"Did you guys finish up your agreement stuff?" Leonard asked.

_Is he being sarcastic? Of course we have. Why else would I be driving her home?_ "Yes, we did."

"Okay, just let me grab my coat."

**#**

Amy had never felt so much freedom. She willingly held Sheldon's hand when he decided to sit in the back with her after he noticed an old French fry peeking out of his seat. He never protested or let go.

They got her apartment building. She let go of hand to get out on her side, and he led her up the elevator to her door.

"Sheldon, I request a hugging and kissing combination as a goodbye," Amy said.

"You realize you must wait another three goodbyes before this can happen again?" he warned her.

"Yes."

Sheldon took out his pocket watch and counted. "25…26…27…28…29…30." He put the watch away. "Alright, then."

She slowly and steadily put her arms around him, and he did the same. He was always a light hugger, never pulling her close. He let her do what she felt was comfortable.

"Is this a lip or cheek kiss?" he asked as they began to break from the embrace.

"Lip, I guess."

He leaned forward, and she got on her tip-toes and kissed him. She started to blush.

"Goodnight, Sheldon," Amy said, and looked at him, blushing. She felt overjoyed by his reaction, and gleefully entered her apartment.

He had been blushing, too.


	9. The Green Lantern Soiling

**I'm so glad that you love my story so far! The truth is, I don't know how far these shenanigans will go. But if we do end up with Shamy sex, I'm sorry, but I don't think it'll be too explicit. I just don't feel comfortable with writing that stuff. Disclaimer: Chuck Lorre owns everything. Don't sue me, please.**

**-ZG**

**#**

It took him a while to get used to contact. True, Amy's touch was much less disturbing than that of a neighbor or a roommate, but it was fairly new. It wasn't like a hug from his mother or his Meemaw, but instead completely different. His mind overreacted after the goodbye, even though something else made him feel slightly warm inside. His intuition told him to check for a fever, but his temperature was normal.

The minute he got inside the apartment he took two showers and swished mouthwash. Yet, after he did so, he found himself regretting it. He couldn't feel her on him anymore. That is when he got scared and returned back to WebMD. Nothing came up. No psychological disorders, no nervous system diseases…nothing.

Over the next couple of weeks, he found himself experiencing the same symptoms, and even a little bit of his previous ailment after a kiss that went five seconds over the maximum time. However, he grew accustomed to these symptoms. His showers reduced from one and then to none. He only used mouthwash after French kissing. It was becoming a nice thing to rely on.

However, one particular night over at the apartment when they were enjoying a glass of Yoohoo and discussing the stupidity of their colleagues, Amy brought up a rather surprising topic.

"Sheldon," she said, "over the past couple of weeks I've been enjoying this new level of physical intimacy."

"And I have grown accustomed to it," Sheldon responded.

"Yet…"

"Yet? Amy, I cannot do anything more. The acts we have engaged in have greatly affected my schedule."

"No, no. I'm not asking for more. I was just saying that I'm enjoying this new level of intimacy, yet I have noticed something."

"What?" He took a sip of his Yoohoo.

"We haven't displayed such acts in public."

He was taken aback. Of course they had! "Of course we have! We held hands at the zoo."

"I mean in front of our group of friends," Amy clarified.

"Oh…are you sure?" he asked. He searched his eidetic memory. They really hadn't. Their friends knew about the agreement, but they had never seen such acts.

"I'm positive."

"Why is it of importance?" he asked. He found no difference. They had been out in public showing affection, out at the zoo in front of hundreds of people. Why was a small group of five people so important?

"Because," Amy sighed, "Penny and Bernadette doubt the existence of such a thing. And I always see affection being boasted in front of the group in the instance of Howard and Bernadette, and especially in Penny and Leonard. It makes me…jealous."

"Jealous? Why on earth would you be jealous?" He raised an eyebrow.

Amy shook her head. "It's sort of like when I wanted to show you off to my family, but to other couples."

"Now I see…" She wanted to show off that her boyfriend was the great Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper. It seemed useless to show him off to people who have known a couple months that they were together. Then again, they often made fun of the fact that there wasn't much contact between the two.

"I was just suggesting," Amy stated. "However, if you find the situation uncomfortable, I understand. Shall I be staying for Thai food?"

"Of course."

**#**

They were all seated around the pile of food that was before them. Sheldon asked Leonard if he had gotten all the proper ingredients, and the proceeded to sit next to Amy. Penny sat on Leonard's lap and Bernadette let her head rest on Howard's shoulder. Raj sat back against the couch, legs crossed, looking at his food.

"So they've finally set a date for when I go up to space," Howard announced to the previously silent crowd.

"Really?" Leonard asked.

"Yep," Bernadette said, smiling. "It's going to be just a week after our honeymoon. Isn't that great?"

"Won't that break the 'newly married' phase?" Penny asked.

"Yeah…but I can wait for my Howie," Bernadette said. They did a little Eskimo kiss.

_So is it that kind of intimacy?_ Sheldon asked himself. Rubbing one's own snot-filled nasal cavity against another's was not appealing.

He looked over to Penny sitting on Leonard's lap. Not as germ infested, but there was too much contact in the lower region. The symptoms might start up again, including that unfortunate new installment that seemed to creep up out of nowhere.

"Sheldon, did you hear me?" Leonard asked.

"What? Sorry, my mind was lost in ideas that you never be able to grasp," Sheldon explained. "Like, if a train was to travel through a black hole, how fast would it go? And what would the track look like?"

Leonard shook his head. "I was saying that I can't give you a ride tomorrow. I'm going in early so I can get a head start on my research."

"What? How could you do this to me?" Sheldon exclaimed in a panic.

"Calm down, Cuddles," Amy said. Sheldon looked at her furiously for using his embarrassing nickname. "I'm sure I can drive you tomorrow. Perhaps you could stay afterwards for movies and tea."

"Perhaps, but I do have research to do. And it's not date night."

"So? I thought it would be nice."

"Yes, you thought. But I have work to do, Amy. I can't have another movie night."

Amy's face fell.

Raj looked pissed. He ran over the fridge and opened a bottle of beer, drank it, and spoke.

"Dude! Accept the damn movie night request! I'd kill to have a woman ask me something like that!"

The group looked at Raj, surprised by his outburst, except for Howard and Bernadette.

"Forgive him, he's man-struating," he explained. "Oh! That reminds me." He grabbed Bernadette purse and pulled a bag of Dove chocolates. "Here you go, buddy." He threw them over to Raj.

"Thank you," Raj said shyly. "But I'll only have a couple. I'm watching my figure."

Later that night, Sheldon was still pondering what Amy had meant by displaying intimacy in front of their friends. They had turned on the second Lord of the Rings movie. It had, judging by the menacing glares at Leonard, brought back the memory of him shipping the One Ring back to Peter Jackson. Or so they thought.

_Perhaps she meant cuddling_, he thought. It was acceptable. They were indeed watching a movie.

Amy felt an arm wrap around her neck and rest on her right shoulder. She had felt this arm many times, but it had been with notice. She stiffened, but soon relaxed to put her arms around Sheldon's waist. He grabbed his other hand and soon they were reclined back, her head resting on his chest.

She smiled, looking around to see if anybody had noticed. They were all focused on the movie, but at the moment she really didn't care. Sheldon had finally "grown a pair" as Penny would say, and did a public display of affection in front of his peers.

She drifted off into sleep halfway through the ages-long movie. She woke up to find the movie had ended, and she had drooled onto Sheldon's Green Lantern shirt. Everyone was looking at her, or more at the two of them. Penny was holding back a squeal.

She moved to get up, and found Sheldon's head rested on her own. She got up and brushed herself off, clearing her throat. She nudged Sheldon a little bit. "Sheldon, wake up," she said.

Sheldon bolted upright. "Danger! Danger!" He felt something moist on his shirt. "Oh, Amy, you've soiled my Thursday shirt." He looked around. "What are you staring at?"

"Nothing," Howard defended, putting his hands up.

"Yeah, Cuddles, nothing," Leonard snickered.

He realized he still had his arms around Amy. He quickly took them off of her, but held his head up high. He felt powerful, unstoppable. It was odd for the situation at hand. "You all know I have made changes to the Relationship Agreement. I don't see why this is a surprise."

"Because, dude, your Sheldon Cooper," Raj pointed out. He had three beers by his side. "Mister 'I Don't Want to Touch People' or Sir 'People Are Germ-Infested Hellholes', and now look at you! You're snuggled up with your girlfriend!"

"So? Howard cuddles with Bernadette, and we all know Penny and Leonard cuddle. I have a girlfriend, I can cuddle with her. It's logical. Just because you haven't been in a relationship for a while doesn't mean you can dictate mine." Sheldon looked sternly at Raj, who looked innocently at Howard.

"The bad man is scaring me. Take me home," said Raj.

"It is getting late," Howard said. "Come on Bernadette, let's get him back to his room before he gets into a sugar rush from all that chocolate."

They left, and soon Penny was gone, too. Leonard retreated into his room, but peered out from the hallway to see the Shamy interact.

They were washing dishes, and not saying a word. Sheldon looked fired up, and Amy was simply beaming.

Then they finished, and it was time to say goodbye.

"Sheldon," Amy said. "I believe it has been more than three goodbyes."

"Why, yes it has," Sheldon affirmed. He leaned down a little, but Amy pounced on him and they were soon on the couch.

Leonard almost gagged when he realized they were French Kissing, and he felt the need to even more when he realized Sheldon was actually getting into it. They were in a close embrace, and he wanted to see this unlikely instance for just a bit longer, but he wanted to interrupt them so badly he ran back into his room.

They broke from the kiss, and Amy's heart was pounding. Sheldon looked happy, but very confused.

"You didn't give me a five-hour notice," Sheldon stated.

Amy breathed heavily and smiled. "You didn't give me a notice for the cuddling. Consider this payback." She got off of him and he sat up.

She opened the door. "Goodnight, Sheldon." She closed the door, leaving him utterly euphoric and defeated.


	10. The Bengal Tiger Comparison

**Over 50 reviews! Amazing! Keep 'em coming, guys, I need the constructive criticism. I just love every one of you for adding me to your favorites and such! So, I present Chapter 10 of The Emotion Approximation…**

**-ZG**

**#**

"Smelly Pooper is getting more action than me," Raj muttered. He bit into his apple spitefully. "Karma is a bitch."

"What did you do that would make you think this is karma?" Leonard asked.

"I believe that it all started back in India when I stole a homeless guy's hat," Raj explained. "From that day on, I couldn't talk to women. But that might be also because I shouted down by an angry prostitute…oh well. Like I said: karma is a bitch."

"I think this will be beneficial," Howard commented. "I mean maybe he'll stop pestering us for talking about sex."

"Nah, that'll irritate him even more," Leonard said. "He's acting like he's going through puberty again."

"You make it sound like he actually went through puberty," Howard snickered.

"I'm serious. He even started reading the book, and not out of boredom. He was searching for answers."

"So why would that make him more irritable?" Raj questioned.

"Remember when you were twelve and something sexual was brought into topic?" Leonard asked them.

Raj's eyes got big. "_No._ It can't be. He's Sheldon…stuff like that doesn't happen to him!"

"Stuff like what doesn't happen to me?" Sheldon asked as he came towards the table, tray in hand.

"It's nothing important, Sheldon," Howard reassured.

"Yeah, nothing important," Raj said. He then whispered under his breath, "You lucky son of a bitch."

Sheldon shook his head in apprehension. "Excuse me? What exactly makes me a, and I quote, 'lucky son of a bitch'?"

"I may have seen you make out with Amy last night," Leonard confessed. "And I may have told Howard and Raj."

"Dear Lord," Sheldon exclaimed. "Are the contents of my relationship really that important? You never saw me hounding you with all these questions and comments when you all were in relationships and you don't see any of it now."

There was a long silence. They ate some of their food, listening to the merging conversation of the Caltech cafeteria.

"So do you like the book so far?" Leonard couldn't help but saying. He laughed.

"That's it, I'm eating lunch in my office," Sheldon proclaimed, and immediately stormed away from the guys' continuous fit of laughter.

**#**

He called an impromptu Skype conversation. Amy found it a little off; Sheldon hated being out of rhythm. Then again, everything else had been set out of rhythm anyways these past few weeks. She looked around her lab to check and see if anybody was around. Seeing that no one was in the room, she accepted the Skype call.

Sheldon was eating the typical Caltech meal for Friday: a plate of five chicken strips with an apple for the side and some soda for the refreshment.

"Ah, Amy!" he said, as it was his usual greeting. "I'm glad you were able to answer."

"Why are you calling me, Sheldon?" Amy inquired. "I had to skip my lunch break to get some more tumors cut out."

"Well it seems that my male comrades have taken up the position of badgering me with questions and comments on our relationship. I ventured to eat over in my office, but oxygen particles aren't very good listeners. So I called you, so I could talk with a person with the equal intellectual capacity as myself."

Amy raised an eyebrow. "Did you just compliment me?"

Sheldon's eyes went off screen, and it seemed like he was replaying what he just said. "So I did." He looked at her. "Fascinating. Why, does it bother you? Because it certainly bothers me."

"No, just double-checking. Working around CAT-scanners can mess with one's hearing." She propped herself up on her elbows, her head in her hands. It was a look of utter interest. "So, what were your male comrades questioning specifically in our relationship?"

"Apparently, Leonard happened to spy you pounce on me like a Bengal tiger," he answered. "Which leads me to ask…why did you pounce on me like a _Panthera tigris tigris_?"

For once, Amy had no shame in what she wanted to say. "I was in a feisty mood, especially after that uncalled for snuggling session."

"No, I believe that was implied in your plea for me to publicly display affection in front of our social group," he corrected her.

"Actually, I only suggested. I never begged or pleaded for anything. That was on your own accord."

Sheldon opened his mouth in shock and protest, but more so in shock because he couldn't find anything to say that he could protest with. He shook his head. "We are getting off subject. Why did you pounce on me and almost seduce me?"

He paused. _Seduced? Dear Lord, she'll hold that against me_.

And she did. She raised her eyebrow again and smiled. "I merely meant to surprise you…however, this new data is also very surprising."

"You know I don't like surprises," Sheldon said. "Surprises conflict with order. Surprise promotions, surprise television marathons…and especially surprise birthday parties, since I refuse to take part in the celebration of the day I was expelled from my mother's uterus."

"You surprised me too," Amy pointed out. "I thought it was nice of you, and I thank you for it." She looked down. "If you won't be startled by my inquiry-"

"I most likely will, judging by how this conversation is going," he grumbled.

"—what did you think about my surprise? And don't say that you abhorred it. I could tell that you were reacting to the stimulus with quite some vigor."

It was Sheldon's turn to look down now. He was not so much hesitant, but as embarrassed; that pesky new symptom had reared its ugly head again.

"It was like the first time you decided to force yourself on me, but this time I had a lot more experience and speculation on the process. So, I found it enlightening. I hope that answers your question." He looked up. "Even though it is very personal and I wish you to not ask something like that to me again."

_Enlightening_, Amy thought. _Not 'amazing', but certainly not 'disgusting' either. An equilibrium. How nice._

"I won't," Amy said. "I promise. But I must leave you, Sheldon. Lunch break is almost over and I still have tumors to dissect and analyze."

"Perhaps you could come over for a filming of Fun with Flags tonight?" Sheldon suggested. "It seems we haven't aired a new episode in quite a while, and our five subscribers might get impatient."

Amy smiled. "It's a date."

He frowned. "But it isn't date night."

"It's a figure of speech, Sheldon. Penny taught it to me, much to my disappointment. But I must sign off. Goodbye!"

Sheldon's laptop screen went back to its equations. He sighed and looked down.

"It's only 6 out of 8," he reassured himself.


	11. The Spit Take Repercussion

**Hello babies! I'm glad that your response to last chapter was not negative. Keep the reviews coming! I need something to read during class when I get bored! Just joking, but keep on reviewing and favoriting! I love you all!**

**-ZG**

**#**

"This book is useless," Sheldon muttered, flipping through the endless graphid pictures and explicit wording. He shut it closed, looking up to see Leonard in the kitchen. "Leonard, sometime this week could you return this book back to the store? It does not answer any of my questions."

"I can't," Leonard said.

"You can't? Well why not?"

"I got that book for you over a year ago, Sheldon. Just put it up with the other books on our bookshelf."

"I can't do that!" Sheldon exclaimed.

"Why not?" Leonard asked in an exasperated tone. It had been a long day at work and all Leonard wanted was something to drink.

"I don't want the great works of Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein to be mingling with an instruction manual on how to engage in coitus in fifty-seven different ways!" Sheldon exclaimed. "What if a judge came in and told I was to be nominated for the Nobel Prize, only to see on my bookshelf a novel dedicated to boasting the male sex organ?"

"Then go hide it somewhere. Put it under your bed or something." Leonard took a sip of his beer. "You never know when it might come in handy."

"I assure I won't need it anytime in the near future," he scoffed. "I was merely bored and I realized I had only read the first chapter of the book."

"Are you sure it isn't because of something else?" Leonard asked. He had to get it out of him, he had to be sure that Pinocchio had turned into a real boy.

"What are you implying?" Sheldon asked.

"Oh, I think you know what I'm implying."

He started pacing. "Leonard, I don't see why between you, Wolowitz, and Koothrapali everything must be centered on the act of coitus. You see a cantaloupe and pretend it is a woman's breasts. You see a woman eating a banana and, thanks to that book, I now know why you started getting distracted. Our entire relationship with Penny was founded on your desire to engage in intercourse and have offspring with her that would be, according to you, 'smart and beautiful'; though your intelligence in meager and her looks will fade into nonexistence one day."

Leonard smiled, enjoying the revelation in Sheldon's tirade. "I never mentioned sex, Sheldon."

He stopped pacing and sharply turned around to Leonard. "But you implied it. What other option could there be?"

Leonard shrugged. "Perhaps I thought you were reading it to understand Penny's menstruation cycles."

Sheldon eyed him viciously. "That's exactly what I was doing. However, the answer of how to cure PMS still eludes me, so I wish to return the book."

"I'll find a place for it," Leonard said joyfully. "Don't you worry about it."

Sheldon relaxed and started heading to his room. "I must prepare myself. Amy is coming in a couple hours to do a Fun with Flags episode with me."

"Okay, I'll be going over to Penny's sometime at six. Just keep the tonsil tennis to the couch and the bed, okay?" He couldn't believe he had said that, in complete truth, to Sheldon Cooper.

The mentioned above whipped around. "I assure you none such activity will be transpiring this evening." He looked down, almost depressed. "We cannot engage in such activities until a month has passed."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

His head shot up. "Why are you apologizing? You have done nothing that affected such activities. If you pity me, you will find it in vain. You have no reason to do so."

"Just have fun with Amy tonight, alright? I can stay at Penny's for as long as you guys want."

"Good," Sheldon said. "We don't need another series of interruptions."

**#**

"And so, let us take a moment of silence to salute the flag of Lithuania for its brilliant use of tricolor," Amy said. They waited, playing a very salute-like song in the background. Sheldon stopped the music.

"Thank you for joining us today for Fun with Flags," Sheldon said. "Next week, Ferdinand T. Flag will join us in a song celebrating the bloody history of the Jolly Roger flag, for as you know next week is the theme week. Dr. Fowler, do you know what theme it is going to be next week?"

"Hmmm," Amy mused, following the script. "Is it pirates?"

"Yes it is!" Sheldon said, keeping a straight face. They looked at each other and said in perfect unison, "Well it's time to say goodbye. Be back next week for flags to fly!"

Amy ran up and turned off the camera. "I believe that was a very successful episode."

"Agreed, though I still feel as though there wasn't enough information given about the flag of Romania," Sheldon commented.

"It's okay. The viewers aren't people with high IQ's like us, so they wouldn't be able to process and enjoy the information anyways," she reassured.

"Very true," he considered. He got up and started taking down the equipment. There was a long silence. They had been happening often, strangely enough. "You know, I found out an interesting fact today."

"What is it?" Amy asked while she tucked away the flags that she had brought with her. "Where did you hear it from?"

"Well, I was looking in a book I had acquired, but hadn't read. And in it I found many interesting things, although some of the information was quite repulsive."

"How contrasting," Amy commented, pouring herself a glass of water and taking a long sip.

"Well, the fact was that while the male sex organ has 4,000 nerve endings, the clitoris of the female sex organ has double the nerve endings, resulting in around 8,000." He was calm, complacent.

Meanwhile, Amy did a spit take in an attempt to get a very obvious "Hoo" out.

"Oh, dear. Look at this mess!" Sheldon ranted. "Amy, what came over you? Now I have to go get the Lysol wipes…"

"I'm sorry, Sheldon," she apologized. "If you don't…mind me asking, what made you express such a fact?"

"I thought it was interesting," Sheldon explained. When he looked at her, he was in full charge of himself. However, when he looked away to grab the wipes, his face went completely red, and he tried his best to suppress that irritating symptom. He refused to call it was it was, because the word sounded so nasty. It was one of the few clinical words he found difficult to say.

"I see," Amy sighed.

He lost the excess red in his face when his emotions turned to concern. He picked up the tub of Lysol wipes and walked over. "Is something upsetting you?"

"Yes," she sighed.

"I knew it!" Sheldon exclaimed. Amy glared at him. "What? I'm six for fifteen this month now. It's a personal record." He pulled out a wipe and started cleaning up the saliva on the counter. "By social convention I must ask…what is upsetting you?"

"It's nothing you would enjoy hearing," Amy said, walking over to sit on the couch. "Trust me."

"Well, how would you know? You do not have a list of the things I happen to like and dislike," he rebutted.

"Oh, but I do know for sure that you clearly dislike this topic," Amy debated. "You have expressed disgust for it many times."

He was starting to catch on…but just to be sure….

"Try me," he dared, crossing his arms. He only did this when a cocky grad student questioned his intelligence.

"It's about sex, Sheldon," Amy explained. "You know…coitus. Intercourse. The natural way to have offspring."

"I see…" Sheldon said, pulling out another Lysol wipe and furiously wiping away the spit. "You…you do know my likes and dislikes quite well. I-I'm sorry I ever doubted you."

_Say it. Say what's been going on this past week. Tell her, I beg of you_, his body screamed.

Amy smiled. She could tell when he was lying. Everybody could. Yet he decided to stay silent. He finished cleaning the kitchen and threw away all the wipes. He sat down in his spot next to Amy.

"Amy," he said. "I wish to…"

"What?" Amy asked.

"Nothing," he said. "Never mind."

"You will tell me at some point. You have a habit of saying what is exactly on your mind."

He looked over to her. "I request that we cuddle," he said. "I am in great emotional distress at the moment."

"Okay," she said. They settled into the position. "May I ask what is causing such distress?"

"You may not," he denied.

They sat like that for another ten minutes, not saying anything.

An idea struck Amy. She smiled coyly. "If you are in great emotional distress, doesn't the Relationship Agreement say that it is acceptable to cuddle in bed?"

"You know people don't go into my room," he stated, but the rest of him was calling forth to agree with her and act upon it. He really needed to schedule longer periods dedicated to Kohlinar, especially after his next statement.

"But," he said, "you are my girlfriend. I guess that insinuates special allowances."

She got up. And walked over to Sheldon's room with him trailing behind.

"You know, it looks different with no cats around," she pointed out. "There is less hair covering the walls and rug."

"Very true," he agreed. They shuffled for a few seconds. "Should we get into the reclined state of the cuddling position?"

It suddenly became very awkward, like the first time they cuddled. They wrapped their arms around each other: Sheldon to Amy's neck/shoulders and Amy to Sheldon's waist.

It felt nice to hear his heartbeat. It was exactly like his personality: ordered and repetitive, yet very boastful. She smiled, but realized something.

"It seems to be too late for me to go back home. The manager had set the curfew for open doors at 11:00 and I don't have my building key." She looked up at him.

"That is highly unfortunate," he said.

"Perhaps I could stay here? It does seem to fit my needs for a good sleep. The temperature will not make me uncomfortable in my pajamas, and we aren't near any police stations, fire stations, or hospitals so the sirens will not awaken me." She had carefully planned this conversation in the instance that such an event like this would happen.

"You have pajamas in your bag?" was all the Sheldon got from that statement.

"I come prepared for any situation. You should know that, Mr. Zombie Apocalypse Backpack. I told you, it is anatomically impossible for zombies to exist."

"Yes, but you are not a theoretical physicist," Sheldon pointed out. He sighed. "Fine. You can stay for the night, I guess. I hope the couch is comfortable."

"Oh," Amy said.

_Oh,_ Sheldon thought. _What a horrible sound._ She was obviously not pleased.

"I thought I was going to stay here," she confessed.

_Seven for seventeen. Good job, Dr. Cooper._ But to the matter at hand. It was comfortable to have her pressure on his chest, and it did not affect his lumbar support. It was not traumatizing; in fact, it was fairly relaxing.

"I guess," Sheldon said, "you could stay in here."

Amy smiled and held back a squeal. "Thank you, Sheldon. I promise this won't happen often."

"If we are to be in this position until Dr. Who comes on tomorrow morning, then we should change. You can go into the bathroom, if that pleases you."

Amy sat up. "I'll be right back."

When he returned, Sheldon was already in his pajamas for the day. He was sitting at the side of his bed, contemplating. He was glad she didn't what he was thinking about.

He wore tighter underpants to hide it. Dear Lord, he couldn't imagine the stress of living through that hideous thing since puberty. It seems he owed respect the Leonard, Howard, and Raj. It was a mystery to him how they could act normal even the face of…_that_.

She wore her regular pajamas…thank a probably nonexistent deity, so her legs were out of his sight. He lay down and they acquired the position, falling asleep a half an hour later.

Leonard didn't even bother them we he saw Sheldon and Amy, fully clothed, tucked underneath his Star Wars sheets. He just told himself that we was dreaming and set off to bed.


	12. The Oatmeal Contemplation

**I'm so glad you like the last chapter! Sorry for some of the grammatical errors. I proofread everything I write. I know, not a good idea. Anyways, here y'all go. Another chapter in a story where I don't know where anything is heading. Honestly, this is all outlined immediately after the previous chapter. I have no cohesive plan, but I am great at improvising. Oh well, I ramble. Here it is!**

**-ZG**

**#**

Leonard walked out of his bedroom early in the morning to get some Advil for a bad headache. It was 4:30 in the morning, according to his Nickelodeon alarm clock. Even Sheldon wouldn't be up at this time.

He remembered the odd dream he had. Sheldon had a girl in bed, more specifically Amy. He didn't remember any skin…but wow. His mother was right; sushi gave him weird dreams.

He peeked in to make sure it hadn't been real. At first all he saw was the green plaid arm of Sheldon's pajamas, but something shifted and there appeared a pink striped pajama arm. He opened the door a little more. He knew too well how light of sleepers they could be, or rather how Sheldon could be. He suspected Amy would be the same.

Sheldon wasn't lying like a floorboard for once. He seemed relaxed, almost. His arm was raised to his head, and his other one was around Amy. His head was turned to the side, and he lacked his usual eye mask. Amy was curled up right beside him, in an almost fetal position, arm sprawled across his stomach. Her glasses were askew.

_Dear God_, he thought,_ it's either the Apocalypse or I haven't woken up yet_. He crept back out into the kitchen, leaving the two of them alone. He took another Advil pill; he felt he was going to need it in the morning.

**#**

_Oh my_, Sheldon thought,_ this is definitely not the way I wake up in the morning_. His muscles ached after being used to his usual sleep position for so long. His arms were everywhere and his neck was sore because it was turned to the side. Not to mention all the pressure on his stomach and side…what w_as_ that? He turned his head to see Amy curled up next to him.

She seemed as though she should not be disturbed. But he had to get up. The TARDIS waits for no man. Besides, they didn't have DVR.

He decided to think of a solution that would make it possible to move out of the bed without stirring her. He tried to unwrap his arm, but she made a faint sound in her throat and he stopped. He paused and thought it over. There was no other way.

_Nudge, nudge, nudge. _"Amy."

_Nudge, nudge, nudge. _"Amy."

_Nudge, nudge, nudge. _"Amy."

She turned to her back and yawned, stretching her arms. She adjusted her glasses and looked over with a smile. "Hi, Cuddles."

He rolled his eyes. "I've asked you repeatedly to not call me that. Now get up. Doctor Who is going to be on in…" He checked his pocket watch. "Four minutes, twenty-seven seconds. I must get my robe on and prepare a bowl of instant oatmeal."

She yawned once more. "I am up twenty minutes before schedule. You realize this will throw me off most of the day."

Sheldon stood up, wiping disinfectant on his hands. "Consider it payback for messing up my schedule months earlier with that good morning text." He found himself experiencing a slight twinge of déjà vu.

Amy grumbled and got up. They exited together and sat on the couch. Sheldon looked at her. "Well?"

Amy frowned. "What?"

"Social convention dictates that in the morning the female makes the breakfast."

Her mouth was wide open. "That is _not_ social convention! That is sexist!" She stared at the television with her arms crossed. "Go make your own breakfast. Don't bother with mine, I'm not hungry."

He shrugged. "Alright." He turned on the television and switched to BBC America. Doctor Who started playing.

He looked at Amy, who was focusing on the show, but still obviously angry. Perhaps he should make her some oatmeal anyways.

_No, she said she wasn't hungry._

_Perhaps she's lying. Women tend to do that when they're upset._

_But she said she wasn't hungry._

_Yes, but she hasn't eaten since seven twenty-three last night._

_I'll miss the first part of Doctor Who microwaving another bowl._

_You'll be in the hands of an angry female if you don't._

He sighed and pulled out another packet. This was ridiculous. What had overcome him to act in such a way?

He jumped when she started to talk again.

"So explain to me," Amy said, "what those weird robot-tanks are."

"Those are Daleks. They are an extraterrestrial race of mutants from the planet Skaro. Their main goal in is to purge all non-Dalek life."

Amy nodded. "I see. I have to admit, I enjoy the bow tie on the Doctor. Which reminds me…what is the Doctor's name?"

Sheldon put the first bowl in. "His name is the Doctor. His true name can never be revealed."

"And why is that?"

He turned around. "I could go on for hours answering your questions…but perhaps I'll send over the DVDs my mother bought me, though she knows that once I was watch an episode I cannot re-watch it. I remember everything anyways."

"That would be nice." She returned to the show.

The microwave beeped and he put in the other bowl. Oh, he was so hungry. All that cuddling and recording and…rising…didn't give him any time to eat. He gladly dug into his oatmeal, only stopping to pull out the other bowl. He walked over.

"Here you go," he said, handing her the bowl.

_She is going to reject it and question your eidetic memory_.

_She will love your gesture and forgive you._

Amy smiled. "Thank you, Sheldon. I'm starving."

_Eight for seventeen, Dr. Cooper. You're getting the hang of this._

They quietly ate together, minus the parts where Sheldon had to explain to Amy who people where while also trying to take in the episode so he could pay it back later in his mind. The episode ended, and they calmly got up to put their dishes in the sink.

"It seems that it is getting close to eight o'clock," Amy pointed out. "I must leave soon if I should be able to attend the fundraiser dinner tonight."

"You're division is holding a fundraiser dinner?" he asked to clarify.

"Yes, Sheldon. You have stated the obvious. Anyways, I need to dress nicely for the occasion. It is formal and most of the donors will be there with their companions. Therefore, I should make my appearance as aesthetically pleasing as possible."

"It must take you ten hours to get ready?"

"Sheldon, I am a female citizen of the United States. It is a stereotype and social convention that I have to take a while to-as they say-'fix up my face'."

"Penny has been a bad influence on you."

Amy ignored his statement. "Anyways, I must impress everyone and their dates to get a new grant on my research with goldfish and meth."

"Dates? Why didn't you invite me? It is in our Relationship Agreement."

Amy shrugged. "I'm used to going alone. Besides, I know you don't like fundraisers, especially if they aren't for the Physics department." She saw his slightly disappointed face. "However, there will be an art gala a colleague of mine has invited me to. I find no need for art other than to draw accurate diagrams on paper, but perhaps you could mock the modern art scene with me."

"Will it be a formal occasion?"

"Of course. I expect you to wear a suit, while I will wear a dress. We can make fun of art fans and the pieces itself. It will be a joy."

"What day shall it be on?"

Amy thought. "It will be next week, on Saturday. It doesn't sound like it affects your schedule too much."

"Then I plan to attend. Send me the times later, if you could."

Amy nodded. "I'm going to go change in the bathroom, if that it alright."

Sheldon held out a hand. "Be my guest. You are certainly more tidy than when Penny showers here."

So he was going to an art show. With Amy. For no apparent reason. Dear Lord, what was making him so rash? Of course the evening might affect his schedule! That night he planned on reading the newest X-Men comic and doing laundry. He would have to get up early the next morning to do everything, and then we would lose REM sleep. This woman was making his life chaos!

Then he heard a scream, the slamming of the door, and Leonard running out from the hallway. Sheldon was perplexed.

"You could've warned me that Amy was in the bathroom," Leonard said. "I went in there to go pee and walked in on her in nothing but underwear."

"You didn't look, did you?" Sheldon asked.

"No, of course not. And even if I would've tried she screamed like a banshee the second she saw the door open."

"Good." Sheldon thought for a moment. "And what makes you think you would be allowed to look at her? I've stated before: she is not for you."

"Never mind, Sheldon," Leonard grumbled. He sat down in hi chair. "What's Amy doing here anyways?"

"Well, she came over for Fun with Flags, we had the most interesting conversation, and we slept together for the night," Sheldon explained calmly.

Leonard stood up again. "What? This isn't like the time with your Meme Theory, is it?"

"Leonard, if you are under the idea of sleeping together as a euphemism for coitus, you are wrong here," Sheldon stated. His voice got drastically quieter. "We just cuddled in my bed."

So he hadn't been dreaming. "Really? The prime example of anti-human-contact spooning with his girlfriend for the night."

"It was nothing really. One of us was under great emotional distress and the Relationship Agreement states that in such a situation it is approved of to cuddle in bed."

"Who had the emotional distress?"

Sheldon looked up from the sink where he was washing dishes. "Amy, of course. She's on her menses, I suspect. It makes her very…needy."

Leonard could always tell when Sheldon was lying. He smiled. "Ah, I see. Well, I should get ready. We're going down the comic book store tonight, right?"

He looked at Leonard as if he had suddenly revealed that he was Marvin the Martian. "Of course we are. We always go to the comic store on this day."

Leonard waved his hand, and had walked halfway to his room when the bathroom door opened. He and Amy exchanged awkward glances, nodded at each other, and moved continuously in their headed direction like a transverse wave.


	13. The HooHoo Explanation

**#**

Amy scurried over to Penny's the minute she left the apartment. She knocked a couple of times and repeated the process after she waited another five minutes. Penny finally came to the door, disheveled with dark circles under her eyes.

"Amy, its eight o'clock and I had a late night," Penny said. "Can't you just come over sometime tomo-"

"Zip it, bestie, I have something to tell you," Amy said, shoving past her and sitting on the couch.

Penny was speechless, her drowsiness rendering her unable to tell Amy to leave. "Have a seat," she said in an unsure tone. "So what did you want to tell me?"

"Sheldon and I slept together last night," Amy said calmly.

Penny's eyes were wide, her mouth in an "O" shape. "Uh…um…are you sure that's what you did?"

Amy nodded. "Absolutely. It passed all the criteria."

"And what were the criteria?" Penny asked in panic. _Oh my God. Sheldon had sex!_

"We were both in pajamas, the epitome of sleepwear, and we both achieved REM sleep in each other's arms," Amy explained. "I believe that constitutes the action of sleeping together."

"Oh…so no sex involved?" Penny asked to reassure herself.

Amy shook her head. "None at all…except for that fact Sheldon had impulsively decided to share with me." Her face changed to puzzlement. "It was rather odd…then again he does have a habit of informing people of irrelevant information."

"Thank God…for a second I thought I was still asleep," Penny sighed. "But what does a fact have to do with sex?"

"Well," she said, "Sheldon had told me that while the male sex organ contains 4,000 nerve endings, the clitoris has 8,000. We were not discussing anything around the subject of nerve endings, or reproduction for that matter."

Penny took a second to think. "Okay, so this could be interpreted in two different ways: one, Sheldon was slipped some Valium again; or two, Sheldon is finally experiencing sexual attraction. Now we have to figure out who slipped the Valium and why, though it could be any one of us."

"Oh, I don't think it was drugs, bestie. He's been like this for the past couple of weeks. First there was the webcam incident and then there was the whole thing with Yoohoo…"

"Okay, don't start telling me Sheldon's into kinky stuff."

"No, it wasn't like that. Still, I think the second option is becoming highly probable."

"Wow…I wouldn't expect him…are you sure that's what he meant? It's Sheldon. He's been mistaken for being like this before."

"I'm sure. But I don't know how I'm going to seduce him…"

Penny blinked and got up for some coffee. Things were going too fast. "Seduce? Are you sure you want to do that? He might have a panic attack."

"Yes, I'm certain."

"Do you guys have any upcoming plans?" She poured some creamer into her cup.

"I agreed to have him come along with me to an art show next week. It was after I explained to him the fundraiser I'm going to this evening when he asked why I was leaving so early. Though, the implication that it would take 10 hours to get ready was a ruse so I could engage in this conversation." She looked up at her with a smile.

Penny nodded. "Sounds like a reasonable situation. Just invite him over to your apartment afterwards."

"But what about the setup? The candles, the smooth jazz music, the rose petals…" Her face blanked and Amy was suddenly lost in thought.

"I'll help with the setup, but don't expect something from a romance novel," Penny said. "We have a whole week. We can go get you some lingerie, perfume, condoms…" She sat down. "Oh God. I'm going to get Sheldon laid."

**#**

Sheldon couldn't believe he was doing this.

He stood in front of the door to Leonard's bedroom, his hand raised to knock. He was looking to Leonard for information. At least he hadn't stooped down as low as Wolowitz. He sighed.

_Knock, knock, knock._ "Leonard."

_Knock, knock, knock._ "Leonard."

_Knock, knock, knock._ "Leonard."

The door opened. "What is it Sheldon?"

"Are you busy with anything important?" Sheldon asked.

"Well, yeah. I was working on my reconstruction of the experiment they did in Belgium-"

"Good, nothing significant," he said, striding in. He hesitantly sat on Leonard's bed, which had not been tidied yet and was still a ball of sheets and pillows. "I need your help with something."

"Huh…the greatly intelligent and seemingly all-knowing Dr. Sheldon Cooper is asking me for help," Leonard mused.

"Thank you for stating the obvious," Sheldon said. Leonard gave him a shocked look. "Yes, I've come to know tidbits of sarcasm. After being around Penny for five years one comes to know such things."

"Anyways, what did you come to ask me?" Leonard inquired.

Sheldon looked down. "Hypothetically…if one were to experience a feeling of…sexual attraction…how would one deal with it?" He looked up.

Leonard tried not to smile from all the insanity that was going on his mind. First there was the making out, then the overnight cuddle-fest…and now this, right here. Sheldon was admitting to having sexual feelings.

"Uh, well," Leonard said. "There are a myriad of ways one can solve this. One can ignore it or suppress it-"

"What if one has tried that already?"

"That leads us to the other way."

"The other way? What's the other way?" His eyes were getting big in desperation.

"The other way is…well…that one can relieve oneself of the attraction." Leonard was trying to keep himself busy. He started rearranging his comic books.

Sheldon was perplexed. "How can one do such a thing?"

Leonard turned around. "What do you think?"

His face told him he was clueless.

Leonard sighed. "There are two ways really. One is what we were going to do over at the sperm bank…"

"Oh…yuck," Sheldon said.

He snorted a little and turned back to his comic books. "If you think that's gross, you'll be traumatized by the other way."

"What's the other way of relieving the attraction?" he asked.

"You could…release it with them," Leonard answered, his voice getting higher with each word.

"And how would that take place?"

"You…you know…screw around."

"Clarify that for me?"

"Do the dirty, the nasty…put the wee-wee in the hoo-hoo." _This couldn't get any more awkward_, Leonard thought.

But it did.

"I don't understand your slang," Sheldon confessed. "I've never been good at slang. It took me three months to realize that pop meant soda."

"For God's sake, Sheldon!" he burst. He turned around. "You have sex!"

"Oh…" Sheldon looked disappointed. "And why did you say 'you'? I merely suggested the situation as hypothetical."

"I don't know. But yeah, those are 'one's' options, I guess. Did you get the advice you needed?"

"The advice I needed, yes, I did gather that." Sheldon walked out of the room and mumbled, "It was just the advice I was hoping to avoid."


	14. The Poster Displacement

**Hey! I had forgotten the author's note last chapter. Anyways, I got an awesome beta-reader who has helped with a lot of my spelling and grammar mistakes. I even fixed up that messy thing called Chapter 12, if you want to go reread it. Keep the reviews coming! I love you all!**

**-ZG**

**#**

_I had really hoped that there could be a way out of this._

Leonard's answer to his question had been unsatisfactory. He had already tried, again and again, to suppress such feelings. He had been successful with doing it most of his life. Yet now they decided to burst forth like a traumatic memory…the time with Reggie Hudson and the pile of manure in fourth grade, for example. _Dear Lord, now that has reared its ugly head again!_

The acts of relieving oneself from the feelings were all messy. The first option reminded him of the sperm bank incident. It felt so _weird_, so new. Then again, he hadn't done such a thing since when he was in college out of pure scientific interest.

And the second act was too frightening. All the bodily fluids and emotions…he could do with kissing Amy, sure. Only saliva was exchanged and he could easily brush his teeth and use mouthwash. Coitus—that word was both getting more appealing and scary each day—required a shower, mouthwash, Lysol wipes, and a great deal of rest. It was too much work and concentration on something other than physics.

However, if it was the only way, he had to learn from the self-appointed master.

He was in front of the door, shuffling nervously. He knew that the minute he expressed his situation, the self-appointed master would forever hold it against him. However, Leonard's information was not satisfactory, not to mention it seems he failed at the subject of coitus most of the time, and the other man was currently in a situation that would render him useless on the subject.

Sheldon inhaled deeply and knocked.

_Knock, knock, knock. _"Howard."

_Knock, knock, knock. _"Howard."

_Knock, knock, knock. _"Howard."

"HOWARD! SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR!" he heard the first Mrs. Wolowitz yell.

"GIVE HIM A MINUTE, HE'S OCCUPIED!" Sheldon heard the soon-to-be-second Mrs. Wolowitz scream back.

"WELL I CAN'T DO ANYTHING! I'M ON THE TOILET SUFFERIN' FROM LAST NIGHT'S BRISKET! IT WAS GOOD ENTERIN' BUT IT SURE AS HELL AIN'T GOOD EXITIN'!" the first Mrs. Wolowitz explained.

"_HOLD ON MA, I'M GETTING TO IT!_" Howard snapped. The door opened to unveil Howard Wolowitz. He looked exasperated. "Oh, hi Sheldon."

"WHO IS IT?" the two women of the household screamed in an unsettling simultaneous matter.

"IT'S SHELDON!"

"ONE OF YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS?"

Howard rolled his eyes. "YES, MA!"

"ALRIGHT, YOU TWO KIDS HAVE FUN!"

Bernadette hopped beside Howard at the door. "Hey, Sheldon!" she chirped cheerfully.

"Hello, Bernadette," Sheldon said. "Hello Howard. May I come inside?"

"Uh, sure," Howard shrugged. "What are you doing here?"

Sheldon frowned. "And what is that supposed to mean?"

"The last time you came here you wanted to shock me," he explained.

"Well, I have come because I need some assistance with something," Sheldon hesitantly explained.

"Oh, you do, do you? Well this is interesting…you of all people have come to me because I excel in something you don't."

"Howard, don't get ahead of yourself," Sheldon said. "It isn't anything that is important, anyways. Like science…there is no way I would come to you because you are an engineer and therefore a failure."

Howard sighed. "What do you need help with?" he asked.

"It is a matter that I would like to discuss with you, and not in the presence of your fiancé," he stated.

"If you can share it with my Howie then you can share it with me," Bernadette huffed. "Let's go into the bedroom to talk."

They trekked into Howard's bedroom, which seemed a little different than before. Some posters had been taken down to hang classy little photos of flowers. Half of the open closet was harboring dresses. His red comforter had been replaced with a white one.

"I did a little redecorating," Bernadette explained.

"I can see," Sheldon replied.

Howard and Bernadette plopped onto the bed, while Sheldon continued to stand.

"So what brings you here?" Howard asked.

"Well," Sheldon rambled. "I have recently found myself having certain feelings for Amy that will not go away, no matter how hard I try. I went to Leonard for help, yet the only way he says these feelings can be released is with the person in question, therefore Amy, in an act I find highly unsanitary and messy. However, if it is the only solution plausible, I decided I would come to the self-appointed master…that is where you come in, Howard. I find that since Leonard's experience in the matter has been deemed unsatisfactory and Rajesh can't even talk to women and judging from your many stories of you engaging in such activities and being able to hold onto a woman without completely messing up the relationship, I chose you to mentor me in such act."

Howard was silent for a couple moments. "Sheldon," he asked hesitantly, "are you asking me to help you get laid?"

He considered this. "In a sense, yes."

Howard turned to Bernadette. "Bernie, sweetie pie, I think the mad scientist is right on this one. You probably should leave for a little bit."

"No, no, I'm not going!" Bernadette refused. She looked sternly at Howard. "If he needs help he also needs to get a woman's perspective. I believe I can help with that."

"Good idea, Bernadette," Sheldon commented. "See Howard? This is why she is the one with the PhD. She can actually think through things."

Howard shook his head. "We're getting away from the point. Okay, Bernadette, you can help."

"So you will mentor me on this endeavor?" Sheldon clarified.

"Yes, if it will make you shut up about how disgusting sex is," Howard sighed.

"Good. I expect a lesson plan for me by tonight at eight. I am going to go out to buy a notebook, and I shall return at said time." Sheldon walked out the door. "Good bye."

They both heard the front door shut.

"Wow, Amy will be thrilled," Bernadette said.

Howard was staring off into space. "Who'd have ever imagined the day I would decide to help Sheldon Cooper lose his virginity?"

**#**

Amy did not feel comfortable at all. The outfit was too tight and too revealing. She was able to stand the cheetah-print bra, of course, but this? It was a death trap on sale at Victoria's Secret.

"Come on, Amy! Let's see!" Penny coaxed.

Amy sighed. She came out a red, lacy corset and panties. "Bestie, this thing is very uncomfortable. How am I going to wear it throughout the night?"

"The whole point of the outfit is that it's gonna be ripped off, sweetie," Penny explained. "It isn't meant to be comfortable."

"I was hoping to wear it under my dress somehow, but this corset makes me feel like a stuffed turkey," Amy whined.

"Under your dress?" Penny inquired.

"Yes," Amy answered. She sat on the ground. "I was hoping that after a fun night at the gala criticizing modern art we would return to my apartment and I would quickly slip off the dress to reveal a sexy outfit. We would then go the bedroom, and he would softly caress my skin while reaching for my right breast and-"

"Too much information, sweetie," Penny interrupted. "But I see the general outline. If you are going to be stuck in something for a couple hours you better make it comfortable. You stay here and I'll go search for some other outfits, okay?"

"Okay," Amy nodded. Penny went looking for the outfit and Amy stood stationary in the changing room, trying to keep her oxygen levels healthy in a corset that was tight on her ribcage. Her phone rang with a new message. She picked it up and read it.

_Sheldon:_ Hello, Amy. I hope you are having a pleasant evening. I am very much looking forward to the gala event occurring later this week.

Amy thought of the idea of Sheldon knowing the type of outfit she was in. She may have been uncomfortable, but _damn_, she looked good.

_Amy:_ Greetings, Sheldon. Yes, I am having a pleasant evening, thank you. I am looking forward to the art gala, also. I'm shopping for it at this moment.

It wasn't a lie. She was shopping for the event, though what she bought no one would see. Except him. She smiled at the image.

_Sheldon:_ Then I should not pester you with text messages. I will see you on Skype tonight at ten o'clock. It would have been earlier, but some plans have gotten in the way.

Penny knocked on her dressing room door. "Amy, I got some more outfits for you!" she announced. She threw over five other corsets, nightgowns, bras, and panties.

Amy tried all of them on. The only one remotely near comfortable was now on her as she twirled at the sight of it.

"I think this one works best!" Amy shouted cheerfully over the door.

"Well, come on, let me see," Penny said.

Amy came out in a light blue silk bra and panties combo with black lace trimmed around the edges. The bra was almost like a top with flaps of silk and met to the panties, and it came with a see-through black nightgown.

"Damn, Amy," Penny commented, "you look fine."

"I know I do," Amy said straightforwardly. "Why do you think I chose this outfit?"

"Oh, Sheldon won't be able to keep his hands off of you." She looked up, eyes squinted. "Did I really just say that?"

"It's the most comfortable of all the outfits. That is, excluding the massive wedgie it induces." She pulled the fabric from the backside out. "But I think I can live with that."

"Okay, so we have the outfit down," Penny stated. "I will buy the candles and jazz CD tomorrow…how about we go condom shopping? I'm pretty sure you're going to need them since Sheldon won't have them."

"Sounds good, bestie. I'm going change out of this and buy it."

She returned to her changing room and noticed her cell phone was lit up. She checked the message it displayed.

_Sheldon:_ I know that this statement will be irrelevant, but it has just occurred to me that these past two nights I haven't sent a single goodnight text message. How peculiar of me. So goodnight Amy, twice.

Amy smiled.


	15. The Papa Bear Revelation

**Hello Babies! I have to say, I'm quite excited for this Thursday's episode. It has Shamy written all over it, and I cannot resist. Meanwhile, I write. I'd like to give a shout out to Mignon19001 who has crafted a wonderful AU/dramatic story called "Of all the possible people". I would love for you guys to go check it out. Thank you beta-reader for your help! I couldn't do this without you! Oh, and over 80 reviews? Oh jeepers, you're making me blush my babies. Disclaimer: I own nothing but obsession. Ok, I'm done talking.**

**-ZG**

**#**

_So many choices, so little time_, Amy thought as she and Penny traipsed up and down the aisle in the drug store. They were concentrated on one section filled with tiny boxes labeled "Trojan" and "cherry-flavored" that seemed to be hidden between the pain killers and antacids.

"It's going to be your first, so don't do any of the special ones," Penny advised. "The flavored ones taste like plastic, anyways."

"But…there are so many brands!" Amy gasped. "I haven't done any research to see which one is most effective, or the ones that are hypoallergenic. What if during passionate lovemaking he sports an embarrassing rash, or goes into anaphylactic shock?"

Amy was hyperventilating. Penny put her hand on Amy's shoulder. "Amy, you need to calm down. Everything will be alright. Just don't pick anything too kinky or anything too cheap-looking."

Amy nodded. "Okay, bestie." She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes. She decided to use her old way of choosing something from her childhood. She pointed randomly and opened her eyes to a simple box.

"Those are pretty good," Penny reasoned. "They don't look too cheap, but they aren't over-the-top. Now that we've got the brand, we move onto the next step."

"You mean there is more to this torturously embarrassing process?" Amy asked.

"It's not embarrassing. A bunch of people do this every day. So, next step: size."

"Size?"

Penny took a step back and clapped her hands together. "Amy, this might be a little bit of a personal question, but do you know if everything is…set in proportion?"

Amy furrowed her eyebrows. "Clarify that for me?"

"You know, Sheldon's a tall guy…is it all relative?"

Amy's eyes flew open. "Oh, if you are referring to the size of Sheldon's penis then I am at a loss. He has mentioned before, however, that his genitalia are aesthetically pleasing."

"What kind of conversation brought that up?" Penny wondered aloud.

"It was a conversation we had over Skype a few months ago on the psychology of the average American man and we came to the subject of men wanting their genitals to be on the more gargantuan side." Amy smiled. "It was a lovely conversation. Very intellectually stimulating."

"Okay…so what size do you think he is approximately?" Penny asked.

"I wonder if his statement was a ruse, as he is an American man. However, I like to dream big. I'll grab the large size." Amy got on her tip-toes and grabbed the box.

"Okay…so up next: perfume," Penny said. "Because honey, your aloe deodorant isn't going to be enough this time."

**#**

Sheldon sat on Howard and Bernadette's bed with a Superman 3-ring notebook and a pen. Howard had pulled out an old whiteboard while Bernadette had set the lesson plan neatly on the nightstand.

"Okay, so lesson one will be focusing on building up the tension," Howard introduced.

Sheldon knitted his eyebrows together. "What tension? I do not wish to fight with Amy Farrah Fowler."

Howard shook his head. "_Sexual _tension, Sheldon. For future reference, everything we say that may sound vague…it has to do with sex. Just immediately relate it to sex, alright?"

He considered this. "A little out of my comfort zone, but okay. I'll comply."

"Anyways," he continued. "In order for both you and Amy to be ready to do the nasty, you need to build up the need to do it. Have you heard of the "bases" in a relationship, Sheldon?"

"Amy once wished me to go to something called "second base" with her," he recalled. "I never complied, but I didn't understand it too much either. I have deduced that it has something to do with her breasts."

Howard looked over to Bernadette. "It's a start," she said. She drew a baseball diamond on the white board and put a square on each corner, making the southernmost one larger than the others. "The bases are the levels of intimacy a man and a woman reach together. You have already reached first base, or kissing." She put a check in the right-handed square. "Second base is yet to be reached. It involves the touching of the woman's chest area."

"So my deduction was correct?" Sheldon asked.

"Yes," Bernadette replied.

"Oh, goody. That one was a doozy to figure out."

"Back to the subject," Bernadette ordered like a stern schoolteacher. She circled the northern square. "That is your next goal. What happens afterward is third base, with involves both oral and manual stimulation of your private parts. A lot of times it is paired with home plate due to its closeness."

Sheldon took notes dutifully. _Goal: second base…third base: germ-infested stimulation of the naughty bits...paired with 'home plate'. _He looked up.

"That brings us to the end of the tension: a home run," Howard said. "That is the sex. All of these are the basic steps to lead you to this point. Surely enough, both of you will be ready to…do whatever you pod people do."

Sheldon closed his notebook. "Thank you, Howard and Bernadette. I will see you tomorrow at six-"

"Hold it, buster," Bernadette ordered, "we ain't done yet."

Sheldon timidly reopened his notebook.

"In between these stages of intimacy, you want to find out what makes Amy tick," Howard told him. "It brings the two of you closer, because it's sort of like a shared secret between you and her."

"What do you mean by a 'tick'?" Sheldon asked.

"A certain movement, spot on their body, or word that'll drive them crazy," Howard informed him.

"Yeah," Bernadette agreed. "My Howie likes to get his nose nipped and getting called Papa Bear." She poked him on his nose lightly.

"Bernie you know that was a secret!" Howard whined. He waved her away.

"It isn't anymore," Sheldon pointed out. "But I understand your definition".

"Good. So, just start experimenting and see her reaction," Howard advised.

"And then with all this tension—BOOM!" Bernadette exaggerated, throwing her arms up in the air. "She'll be all over you. Though it isn't like she hasn't been already. She wants it bad." She started looking a little mad at him for some reason.

"Wants what bad?" Sheldon asked.

"Remember what I said about vague topics?" Howard reminded him.

"Oh. Huh, I guess she has been in a heightened state of arousal these past few weeks. Her pupils have been sufficiently dilated and she's been muttering those 'hoo' sounds for quite a while." He set his notebook down and stared off for a little bit, processing what he had just said.

"See?" Howard prodded. "As you would say…she wishes to engage in coitus."

"But…what if she doesn't wish to engage in coitus with me?" Sheldon suddenly felt very insecure.

"Have you been _blind_?" Bernadette snapped. "_Of course she wants to engage in coitus_! She tells me and Penny every single fantasy she has with you. I'm surprised I can still look at you with those images in my head! And haven't you seen the hints?"

Sheldon thought back. "She has asked me for lovemaking and joining her in bed before. However, she was in an emotional state in the first instance and I'm sure she was just offering lumbar support for the latter."

Howard did a face palm. "Sheldon, when a girl asks you to get in bed- " he leaned in "—it's a euphemism for sex."

Sheldon's eyes widened. How had he not seen it before? The need for physical intimacy, the offers, the comments…that time when it took twenty minutes to brush her teeth. He felt the need to smile. She did want him…why was that so good? It meant there was a more probably chance for intercourse. That was not meant to be good.

"I see, now," Sheldon responded calmly. He placed his notebook down. "How long should these things go? You know…the steps?"

"Usually I would say to take things slow," Howard said, "but you and Amy have been going at a rate that would make a snail impatient. So I say go as fast as you want. Do it all in a week, even. Just track your progress for us to go over each lesson, alright?"

Sheldon nodded. He was getting anxious. His Skype date was in just a half an hour.

"Class is dismissed," Howard announced.

**#**

Amy paced furiously as she waited for her laptop to ring. Before she had left for home, Penny had given Amy some advice.

"You need to entice them a little bit," she had said. "But try to keep your plans a surprise. Make a sexy face at him, wear revealing clothes…make him want you." After that Penny's face became a little pale and she went home to lie down, because something was making her stomach feel weird.

Amy dressed up once more in the pajama shorts, but refrained from the conservative t-shirt she usually wore. Instead she had on a pink wife beater and her hair up. She placed her computer on the coffee table to that she could sit on the couch and it would show all of her. _Entice I shall_, she told herself.

She relaxed a little bit and reclined onto the couch with a romance novel. They used to be her substitute for physical contact, but since the amendments she hadn't read much into them. She arrived a particularly steamy part. If only Gerard hadn't died…

She broke out of her remembrance of the dear friend when her laptop rang with the Skype ringtone. She accepted, sitting criss-cross applesauce on the couch and setting the book aside.

Sheldon was in his room again. He looked much calmer than he had in the past couple of days. He had a slight smile on his face.

"Greetings, Sheldon," Amy said cheerfully. "I'm sorry I am not in my usual attire, but I must change into my sleepwear at 9:30 exactly."

"I see," he said, utterly concentrated on her. "May I ask why you are not in your normal sleepwear?"

She felt flushed. She decided to come up with a quick lie. "My air conditioner is broken," she said. _Come on, Fowler, entice!_ "And you know, I might get hot and sweaty in my normal pajamas, and then I'd have to strip." _Finish it off!_ "Why? Is it bothering you?" She smiled a little bit._ Good job_.

Sheldon looked a little befuddled. "I can say that it is_ not_ bothering me, but I can't I'm extremely comfortable either," he confessed.

"Aww," she cooed, pouting her lip. "My boyfriend isn't feeling too good."

"Penny's influence on you has been greatly disturbing," Sheldon said. "Are you hallucinating? Do you have a high fever? You surely aren't acting like yourself."

Amy was disappointed by this. "Oh, I'm just doing a little research. Seeing how a Homo Novus reacts to certain stimuli."

Sheldon sighed. "Thank goodness. For a moment I thought you had been replaced by a body snatcher." He put his hand on his chest.

"So may I continue my research?" Amy asked slowly. She felt herself becoming steadily primal.

"If it is for the sake of scientific study…then yes, you can continue," Sheldon replied. He looked a little suspicious, as if he was seeing through her ruse.

"I thought I'd start by making various statements. You tell me your reaction to each statement and I'll record it in my notepad." She reached over to her notepad and pretended to scrawl something. "May I begin?"

Sheldon waved his hand. "As you wish."

She thought of a few sentences to get him riling. "Statement 1: The original Star Trek series is much better than the Next Generation."

"Yes, thank you!" Sheldon cried in glee. "Though I do think Picard was much more emotionally steady than the playboy Captain Kirk, the premise was wholeheartedly original, and the character of Spock will never be forgotten."

"Reaction: enthusiasm," she said and scribbled a meaningless wavy figure on the paper. "Statement 2: Star Wars has a horrible plot."

"Amy, how dare you make such an accusation?" Sheldon snapped. "Star Wars is the father of all science fiction! Without it, we wouldn't have Terminator or Men in Black!"

"Reaction: anger," Amy observed. Another meaningless wavy line. "Statement 3: Theoretical physics is the most superior of all the sciences." It cringed for her to say it; after all, it was obviously neurobiology.

"Well of course! Without theoretical physics we would still think stars are candles in the sky! We wouldn't have been able to go to the moon! Thanks to theoretical physics we understand the universe in a much wider spectrum than we did fifty years ago!" His face glowed with happiness, and he sounded as if he was stating a fact.

"Reaction: happiness and agreement," Amy said. She set her notepad on her lap and crossed her arms. "Statement 4: Sheldon, I'm not wearing any underwear right now."

**#**

He felt his face get hot, and he felt the increased heart rate and need to breathe. He tried not to look at her…his convoluted eidetic memory reminded him of the webcam incident. Then the tingling began to start. And the…other symptom…was returning. He needed to speak. She was still waiting for a response. It took him all his willpower to stare away and reply.

"Are you saying you do not possess a brassiere?" he asked to clarify. His voice was wheezy.

She shook her head. "I'm saying I possess neither a brassiere nor a pair of panties."

_Dear Lord Almighty…as my mother would say._

He sat there, in his bedroom, trying to keep the symptoms from becoming too noticeable. _Think of Leonard's grandmother and her incident at Thanksgiving_, he told himself. _This hotsy-totsy will not tempt you. You still have three more lessons left._

"How…peculiar," he managed to get out.

Amy picked up the notepad and scribbled something, smiling. She sighed and set it down. "Thank you, Sheldon. That was very enlightening research."

"Those sentences were all fabricated, am I correct?" He found some control again, and began to calm down at the thought it might have been a lie.

"Some were," she confessed. She looked at him sharply. "Some weren't."

"Uh, I am excited for the gala," he said, hoping to move the conversation along.

"I am, too," Amy replied. Her face and voice returned to normal, no longer pulling him in. He silently sighed in relief. "I have bought my dress and everything for the event. I was hoping that afterwards you could come over here to plan the next Fun with Flags."

"That sounds reasonable," Sheldon said. "I want to focus on the meanings of the Jolly Roger flag primarily, as it is a pop culture icon."

"That is a logical decision."

It was comfortable again, but a question started to itch at Sheldon, but he was fearful of breaking the feeling of the moment: the feeling that everything was back to normal, and that there had been no snuggling session or making out or incident with spilled tea. But they had happened, therefore the fear was moot. So he asked the question.

"May I ask what you wrote down for the last statement?" he asked.

"Oh, yes." She picked up the notepad. "Reaction: clamminess, elevated heart rate, dry mouth, throbbing of the ears, and visible evidence of blood rushing to the face." She looked at him again and smiled. "It seems that you, sir, are hosting an alien parasite."

Sheldon was shocked. "Are you implying what I think you're implying? Because if you are, Amy, I-"

He was cut off by the sound of her signing off.


	16. The Light Saber Concerning

**So…wow. Thursday's episode went pretty far on the Shamy level. While I convulse in happiness I have written up another chapter for you. I'm sorry if the last chapter was below-par. I was in a rush, and recent school struggles have been stressing me out. Luckily this chapter is extremely long, and after that particularly enjoyable episode, I am much more relaxed. So here yeah go!**

**-ZG**

**#**

"_Way to seduce, Amy Farrah Fowler"_, Amy thought as she sat satisfied with her results. The look on his face was priceless…she could see him starting to pant over her. Too bad she panicked at the end and shut off the computer when he started to deny arousal. But that was the fun, she guessed. Messing with Sheldon was obviously moving them along. It had worked before. Amy remembered the Star Trek doctor game they played and smiled.

Over the next couple of days she met with Penny in secret while the boys were out. Sheldon kept in contact with her, but it was less frequent. That only happened when he was troubled. As far as Amy knew, nothing troubled Sheldon more than emotional and physical connection.

The night of the gala had arrived. She admired herself for a little bit in the lingerie she had chosen, twirling. She put on her tiara, feeling like a princess. "_If I was to follow the guidelines of a medieval princess_," she thought. "_The ones from Disney are highly unrealistic when it comes to royal families. There is almost no incest or arranged marriage_."

She slipped on the dress she had chosen for the night. It was to her knees, a little out of her comfort zone for skirted clothing, but she decided to follow Penny's advice and show a little skin. The dress had a black upper portion that looked much like a simple t-shirt; however it dipped slightly lower than her blouses. The skirt was flamboyantly colorful; a mix of bright blues and yellows. It matched the heels she had _finally_ broken in after months of pacing in her apartment. She pulled her hair up. Penny zipped up her dress and did her makeup.

"Here's the key," Amy had said. "We should be back at sometime around 11:00, so make sure everything is set."

Penny nodded. "'Project Get You Laid' has been commissioned," she had announced, doing a mock salute. She had then proceeded to hug her. "Good luck tonight, okay? Send me the details as soon as you can."

She twirled once more and dislodged her silk panties from her derriere again. That was the only problem: the wedgies. They wouldn't stop. She hoped it wouldn't interfere with her master plan.

_Knock, knock, knock_. "Amy."

_Knock, knock, knock_. "Amy."

_Knock, knock, knock_. "Amy."

She looked up at her clock. 7:00 exactly. She smiled at his perfect attendance.

"The door is open!" she called. If she was going to scare him off he could've at least been in the apartment.

She heard the door click open and she made her grand entrance from her bedroom. She stopped, however, to view something she had never seen before: Sheldon in a suit. It wasn't a tuxedo, but she sure hadn't seen something like that before.

He had on a plaid brown jacket and pants to match, though she noticed they were slightly off color from the jacket. He had a light salmon-colored dress shirt and a black tie.

She was sure she hadn't been staring long and proceeded as planned. "Good evening, Sheldon," she nodded.

He looked slightly distracted. "Come again?" he asked. He regained focus. "I apologize, I am sleepy. Leonard and Penny's beta testing has reached a new level. I must invest in new noise-canceling headphones. I must also write a strongly-worded letter to the company that supplied me with the ones that have failed me."

Amy shook her head. "Apology accepted. I must say you did indeed dress up for the occasion."

He looked at her with shock. "Why do you act surprised? You told me to dress nicely for the occasion. Though, I forgive for the miss-matched pants. I lost the original pair during a confrontation with Penny's ex-boyfriend on the first day Leonard and I met her. I haven't forgiven her since."

"I'm sure the simpletons won't notice," Amy reassured. "Just let me grab my things and we will leave for the gala."

**#**

Sheldon proceeded to two other lessons from Bernadette and Howard before going to the gala.

The second lesson was basic review of what the book had already taught him with a few tips and suggestions sprinkled here and there.

It wasn't anything he wasn't familiar with. Back in the day, when he was in college, his party-hard roommate had decided that every time he "scored", so to speak, he would delve into the details of his exploits basked in full glory. He dropped out his sophomore year.

The third lesson, which occurred the night before the gala, was steadily different.

"Over this past week we've been talking about the physical side of sex," Howard pointed out. "However, me and Bernie—well, more Bernie, really—think you should know about the emotional side of sex."

"There's an emotional side?" Sheldon asked in worry. "I thought that if one was weak enough one could form an attachment to those they mate with?"

"More than an attachment, especially with your first time," Howard told him.

"I can see no evidence coming from you. You're first time was with your second cousin and therefore you already had an emotional attachment," Sheldon argued back.

"Don't remind me," Bernadette muttered. "But let me tell you about the story of my first. He was a tall, attractive choir boy named Henry Wilson. It was after prom, and two days afterward he dumped me for a ditzy, tall redhead named Gwen. I was upset for weeks. I gave him everything I had emotionally and he left me there." She looked a little distraught from the memory.

"That makes sense. The trauma of having a tall, handsome man abandon you has led you into the arms of a stumpy little man like Howard." He didn't go up to comfort her, but instead sat awkwardly next to her.

She shook her distress off. "The point is there is a big emotional side that comes with sex."

"And actually all the feelings can make the sex better. That's why I love make-up sex," Howard told him.

"Interesting," Sheldon mused. "Usually feelings are horribly overbearing when I experience them. However, you say that feelings actually make the whole scenario better…how contradictory."

"Listen, Sheldon, for once take my word over yours," Howard pleaded. Sheldon gave him a shocked look. "Think about it: I have more experience in this field than you, so therefore my word is much more credible."

Sheldon sighed. "I never thought I'd see the day that _your_ advice, in all the convoluted things in the world, would overtake my own."

Bernadette stood up. "Just remember that it's okay to feel emotions during sex. Most of the time logic is thrown to the wind, anyway."

"WHAT?" Sheldon gasped. "Logic is the only thing in the world besides my spot that stays at a constant. I cannot simply throw it away!" He remembered when Amy kissed him, and how his mind went blank. He wasn't scared back then for some reason, he realized. He didn't doubt any second of it until the moment was lost.

"Do you want this tension to go away or not?" Bernadette snapped.

"I…dear Lord, I'm going to have to experience all these _emotions_…" His voice trailed off. As long as he could keep the moment, he would be fine. There would be no panic attacks. "I must go through with is. I've never failed at anything in my life. I'm not starting now."

"Good!" Howard said.

"HOWARD, HOW MUCH LONGER IS YOUR LITTLE FRIEND GONNA STAY HERE?" Mrs. Wolowitz hollered.

"I DON'T KNOW! WHY?" Howard replied with an equal decibel count.

"I GOTTA GET CHANGED FOR BINGO TONIGHT!" Mrs. Wolowitz explained.

"HE'S LEAVING SOON, MA! JUST DON'T START CHANGING OR YOU MIGHT BURN HIS EYES OUT!"

"IS THAT ANY WAY TO TALK YOUR MOTHER?"

"IT IS WHEN YOU'RE THE MOTHER!" Howard cleared his throat. "You should probably get going. Good luck with Amy tomorrow."

"Thank you for your wishes," Sheldon said and proceeded to head out the door.

"Go get 'em, tiger!" Bernadette cheered.

Sheldon whipped around for a split second but didn't say a word. For some strange reason, Bernadette's outburst was oddly reassuring.

**#**

"It's like finding shapes in the clouds," Sheldon said. He and Amy stood in front of a large abstract painting. "Except this is a lazy attempt at art while cloud formation is a brilliant work of nature."

"And the human mind," Amy pointed out. "It's amazing how we can see a formless blob and immediately associate it with something familiar. For example, that shape up there looks like a rabbit."

"I see no rabbit," Sheldon told her.

She moved in front of him and pointed. "How can you not see it? These two points are the ears and these formations here are its hind legs and tail."

He rolled his eyes. "It is obviously a rendition of the Green Hornet symbol."

Amy shrugged. "Agree to disagree?"  
"If we are disagreeing on your presumption of that formless shape, then yes."

Amy sighed. "Let's continue to walk. I find standing in front of this uncomfortable at the moment."

He considered. "As you wish."

"I feel like Princess Buttercup," Amy commented as they moved along in the gallery.

"The tiara must help," Sheldon suggested.

"Oh, it does. Huh." They now stood in front of a rather large picture of the sun and moon holding hands and safely gliding across the vacuum of space.

"Neither the sun or the moon have appendages," he scoffed.

Amy cocked her head. "I believe it is a symbol. Despite my efforts I did have to take a Literary Studies class in college to complete my credits and I recall the lecture my professor gave on such a subject."

"And what, pray tell, does this symbolize?" Sheldon asked in mockery with a laugh in his voice.

"I believe it symbolizes harmony. The creator is striving for a balanced universe, free and accepting." She looked at him. "Then again, it is only a hypothesis."

He looked back down at her. "No, I can see it." He looked back at the painting. "The use of celestial bodies does suggest a universal or heavenly theme, and the action of moving through the lifeless vacuum that is space holding hands take on a free, ever-moving, accepting feeling." He looked at Amy's shocked face. "I too had to take a class in the Humanities. Unlike you, however, I remember all of it. How exhausting it was. That is the one thing I regret about having an eidetic memory."

Amy smiled at him out of the corner of his eye. "I believe that having an eidetic memory is a wonderful thing."

He still looked at the painting. "Of course it is. It just has some regrettable features."

The next thing he felt was her hand locking with his. It was surprising for him to remember after all this tension and sexuality there was still chaste gestures they could express. He smiled a little, but quickly hid it away. She couldn't know all the emotions now…that would be a drastic change and inconclusive. And neither of them like inconclusive.

"I was thinking…why don't we make this date a little more impromptu?" Amy suggested.

There was a drastic change, with inconclusive consequences lingering in the mere suggestion. He looked at her in surprise, because the glee and anger that were contradicting inside him were far too complicated to express.

"And impromptu…Amy, what if during such activities we are ambushed by hooligans? What if we get in a car accident? Perhaps while hippy-dippying around the city I catch bird flu? No, we are not making this date 'impromptu'. There are too many risks."

"But what if we end up having a good time? What if we win a free prize or come across a new train store? Maybe we'll go to the comic book store or Toys 'R' Us to get some new Star Wars Legos. There are also a lot good moments."

He bit his bottom lip, cursing to himself. "_That hotsy-totsy from Glendale"!_ "Fine, but only for Toys 'R' Us, nothing more."

He could see her beaming while he looked away. "Come on, let's go to the car." Instead of taking her hand away, she pulled him along with her and he began to trip as she moved at an alarmingly fast rate towards the door.

He felt hesitation as he let go to get in on his side. They sat in silence until they pulled into the Toys 'R' Us parking lot. He felt himself brighten up. There was nothing more delightful than the whole section dedicated to Lego products and two aisles of Star Wars toys.

The minute she parked the car he bolted out and stopped at the front doors to grab a disinfectant wipe for the door handles. He then proceeded into the store.

He heard the door open behind him and Amy panting.

"Sheldon, you could've waited for me," she told him.

He started walking towards the Lego section. "I apologize, but Leonard has refrained from taking me here since I apparently 'threw a hissy fit' when he told me we had to leave earlier than expected." He picked up a Lego Yoda. "I believe I was acting rationally. After all, he interrupted my schedule. Nothing and no one interrupts my schedule."

"Doesn't this event you're participating in interrupt your schedule? You're going to bed later than usual, ate something other than your usual, and you only go toy shopping on Sundays."

He looked over at Amy. He could see that she was trying to not smile from her realization; meanwhile, he was trying not to scream and run around the store. This was chaos, and he was living in it. How had he not noticed before?

Oh yeah, it wasn't horrible. There was no fire or earthquakes happening around him. How interesting.

"Well, being in a relationship one must make exceptions. Besides, I'm completely prepared for tomorrow. I will use energy bars to keep me up tomorrow and set my schedule back in place."

"Oh," Amy sighed. Sheldon was beginning to hate that sound more and more every day.

"If it pleases you, I am enjoying this moment of chaos," he admitted. His eyes widened. He was having a habit of speaking without thinking. He concentrated back on the boxes in front of him. He found one he hadn't built yet. "I would like to buy this one," he told her.

She took the box. "Excuse me, but what is an ewok?"

"An ewok is the creature that ruined Return of the Jedi, much like Jar-Jar Binks did for the entire prequel series," he explained, taking the box back. "However, I enjoy the whimsy of their tree house villages." He smiled at the box.

They purchased the Lego set. As they walked out of store a strange impulse caused him to grab Amy's hand and cling to it until they reached the car, which for some reason felt like a fortunate occurrence.

What had she done to him?

**#**

"Amy, where are we going? This isn't the way back to your apartment." Sheldon looked nervous. Amy could understand; it was something new, an inconclusive change. And neither of them liked inconclusive…or changes for that matter.

"I have one more stop before we go back to my apartment," she explained. Her Internet research had introduced her to a wonderful spectacle happening at the park tonight.

"Could you tell me what this stop is?" he pressed.

"I can't for the sake of your happiness," she countered.

"Well right now my _happiness_ is centered on whether or not you are taking me to the Russian Mafia."

She smiled. It was funny comments like that one that made her feel bubbly inside. "Lower your stress levels, Sheldon. We're almost there, and I'm sure you'll enjoy it. It celebrates today's occasion."

"Our date?" he asked.

She tried not to squeal. Their date was on his mind _before_ the actual holiday being celebrated. She cleared her throat. "No, Sheldon, not our date. Let me give you a hint: May the Fourth be with you."

"Amy, either you have a lisp I've never known about or just quoted Star Wa—oh Lord it's Star Wars Day!" he gasped. She watched out of the corner of her eye as he put his hands to his face in shock. "I didn't get out my light saber to duel with Leonard later, wear my Darth Vader costume, or even update my blog about it! What a travesty!"

"Don't worry. This will definitely make up for it."

"How do you propose me ignoring the only holiday that matters to me will be solved by a dangerously vague surprise?"

"You'll see."

They pulled up a block away from the park as cars were already lining up the roads. They made their way to the waterfront and waited in the crowd of people.

"I find this surprise very boring," Sheldon told her after five minutes of standing in silence, waiting. The lights around them began to fade into darkness.

"Shush," she ordered. "It's starting."

"Ladies and gentlemen, Pasadena City Park proudly presents the Star Wars Water Show!" an announcer introduced.

"Water show?" Sheldon repeated, suddenly intrigued.

A spout of water shot up from the ground, colored blue by a light beneath, and then another one. Soon they were all up in a straight line. Music began to play and the water moved to it like a dancer.

_Daaaaahhh-dum-da-da-da-DAAAAAHHH-dum-da-da-da-DAAAAAHHH-dum-da-da-da-dummmm_

"It's the Star Wars theme song!" Sheldon realized in glee.

Amy nodded. "See? I thought you might like it."

"Like it? Oh, Amy, I am purely _ecstatic_."  
She held his hand again. "I'm happy to hear that."

The fountains changed from blue to a blood red. The music changed.

_DA-DA-DA-DA-DADUM-DA-DADUM_

"Now I really regret not wearing my Darth Vader costume," Sheldon said, but she realized he was smiling uncontrollably like a child. His grip got tighter.

Step one was complete.

**#**

Amy's surprise was actually pleasant. He didn't expect for her to be so considerate. His logical side was scorning him for putting their date ahead of Star Wars Day, but something else told him to enjoy himself. He decided to choose the latter for the sake of already embracing chaos.

He took off his jacket when they entered the lobby. He found himself becoming extremely warm, especially in the pit of his stomach. He reminded himself to search for symptoms of an intestinal infection.

They went up the elevator in silence, but he could see she was smiling, obviously euphoric and excited. He couldn't blame her; Fun with Flags was indeed a mentally stimulating event.

She unlocked her apartment. "I'm going to go change into something more comfortable. Did you bring a change of clothes?"

"No, but this is by far more comfortable than the cotillion costume my mother had me wear," he said. He hung up his jacket and sat on the couch to reflect.

He had enjoyed the night. Not only was it mentally stimulating, but he was…_happy_. Perhaps coitus wasn't as bad as he had made it out to be.

_What?_

Had he really just thought that? His logic side was screaming. _The bodily fluids! The risks! The germs!_

But this mysterious new installment just kept repeating something in his head: "_It'll all be fine. You've known for a while, just let it out."_

He calmed himself down and took a deep breath.

"Sheldon," Amy called from her room, "could you help me with something?"

She was requesting to go into her bedroom. Wasn't that an invasion of privacy?

"Are you sure you can't handle it by yourself?" he asked for clarification.

"I'm trying to grab something, but it's too high," she explained through the door. "Could you please come help me?"

He sighed. "Fine." He got up and hesitantly turned the doorknob into her room.

When Sheldon went into her bedroom, he expected to see Amy struggling to reach something…

…not a dimly lit room and a bed covered in rose petals.

"Amy, what is going on here?" he demanded.

Sheldon heard the door shut behind him.

He felt arms wrap around him and he froze. It was nice…but oh the _touching_. He hadn't experienced that much for as long as he could remember.

"Hello, Doctor," she whispered, but it sounded a little off. She was trembling a little bit. He shivered and shoved himself away from her.

She was _not_ in her normal sleepwear now. She was in lingerie, blue silk ones in fact. He gazed at her for a brief second, taking it in. Not only were the legs there, but the shoulders, and the...breasts. Only slightly, but still. She had taken out the tiara and her hair was undone. She kept the glasses, however.

Damn that vixen.

"I repeat again: w-what are you doing?" he stammered.

She shrugged. "I'm having fun. Minus, the flags, of course…but still fun."

"I can see in no way how this set up is fun," he said, but his voice got weaker with every word as she walked over to him.

"Really? Then why I don't I show you how fun it can be." She grabbed him by his tie and flung him onto the bed.

He was so confused…first thing she's getting ready for Fun with Flags and now she was throwing him onto the bed in something usually displayed in those videos Leonard used to watch. What was she doing with all this? Why had she done this impulsively vague thing?

Then Howard's voice reminded him to reference every vague moment with sex. It all clicked. _She's trying to seduce me_, he realized.

"_Danger, abort mission! Evacuate! Evacuate!"_ his logic ordered.

"_Fascinating_," said the mysterious new resident in his mind.

She walked over and continued by pouncing on him the second time.

"You didn't give me a five-hour notice," he said.

"Check your phone," she advised.

Extremely uncomfortable he fished his pocket. He realized that he hadn't checked his phone in the past seven hours; he had been too preoccupied with getting ready for the date.

One text message from Amy Farrah Fowler.

_Sheldon, I am texting to notify you that I will be doing an impromptu make-out session five hours from now give or take a few minutes. We will also being engaging in further activities…but more on that later._

Again…damn that vixen.

His mysterious new side took over and shrugged.

She smiled and they proceeded into a deep kiss, but this time it was more feverish. His battle was still raging on, making him hesitantly place his arms around her. His old logic was completely disappearing. A new logic, one the old one would have disapproved of, appeared.

Then the symptoms started returning. Even the new one, which turned out to rear its ugly head with a burning passion. He stopped, now completely embarrassed.

Amy pulled away and smiled. "Well, well, Doctor. You don't need a doctorate to diagnose that."

That didn't sound like Amy.

He wasn't supposed to like this.

This whole situation was not supposed to happen. They were supposed to be setting up for Fun with Flags right now.

"I think I know the cure," she purred.

"Uh…buhduhluh," he mumbled. His thoughts weren't coherent. He had to get out of there. He shoved her off of him. "Amy, I have to go." He looked around the room and saw the box of condoms on the nightstand. "Oh dear Lord." He swiftly opened the door, made his way across the main room, grab his jacket and ran like there was no tomorrow. He tried to wipe away the look of Amy's face.

"Ahhh!" he screamed as he zoomed through the hallway. So much for embrace the chaos.


	17. The Junior Rodeo Implementation

**Wow…is the season 5 finale really that close? Don't worry, you guys. TBBT may be on a summer hiatus, but I won't! I'm glad you all reacted accordingly to the last chapter, and I know you hate me for the ending. Everything happens in good time, my babies. Just be patient **

**-ZG**

**#**

This felt like the movie night all over again. He just ran out on her the minute she made a move. Amy thought everything was going well. After all, he had given in for a couple minutes. The look on his face when he saw the condoms was embarrassing and mortifying. He didn't even look at her…

She sat, defeated, on the bed. Brushing away the rose petals so that they floated onto the floor, she collapsed onto her bed and thought. She didn't cry, because she didn't have any reason to cry. There was always a voice inside of her saying that Sheldon would never agree to this, but she ignored it until now. She sighed, closing her eyes. She would deal with this in the morning.

…

When she woke up, she didn't deal with the memory well, to say the least. To say the truth would be to say that she was an emotional wreck. She pulled out all her Nicholas Sparks films and the romance book, drowning herself in romantic genre. She then indulged herself in a mixture of tequila and chocolate, following Penny's advice.

She kept her phone and laptop locked in a drawer so that she wouldn't be tempted to contact Sheldon or to respond to his messages. If he was going to face her, it to be, well, to her own face. Not her face on a laptop/phone, or her voice in a call. He had gone too far for electronics to be the answer.

Two days into her mission's failure celebration (as she called it) she heard a knock on the door. She knew it wasn't Sheldon, or at least a sound-minded Sheldon. Amy opened the door a crack and saw Penny in her Cheesecake Factory uniform.

She swung the door to a ninety degree angle, sighing. "Hey, bestie," she said in a defeated tone. After all, Sheldon had indeed defeated her; his side took control of the relationship. And his side was a stubborn, germophobic, and shy thing.

Penny wrapped her arms around her. "Okay, I'm coming in and you are telling me what happened on Friday."

They sat on the couch. "It was all going so well," Amy explained. "We were both enjoying ourselves, having fun. He loved the light show and everything was relaxed and comfortable. Then I had to mess it all up and throw him onto the bed."

"Well what happened once you…" Penny sucked in her breath and winced. "…threw him onto the bed."

"He seemed a little confused at first and very shocked. I pointed out that this whole arrangement was deemed acceptable by the Relationship Agreement." Amy dipped a chocolate in tequila and ate it. "He accepted it, and everything was going so well. We made out for a couple minutes, and then he got an erection-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Penny interrupted. "Sheldon was turned on? Like, seriously turned on?"

Amy nodded. "Or at least it seemed that way. He was obviously a little uncomfortable with it being there. So I tried to calm him down by talking a bit dirty to him, and then his eyes got wide and he got up from the bed. He saw the condoms and looked so _devastated_, and he promptly left the apartment screaming. I scared him off, bestie, and I know it."

Penny pulled Amy in for an embrace. "You didn't scare him off; he's just scared of himself. If you saw the way he's been acting for the past couple of weeks you'd see how new this is to him."

"Perhaps I went too fast," Amy sighed.

"No, don't blame yourself," Penny ordered. "_He_ is going too slow. And I'm sorry to say this, but if he's going to be like that maybe you need a break. Then _he'll_ be the one crawling back to _you_, instead what it has usually been. Stay strong, okay?"

Amy nodded. "Thanks for the advice, bestie. But I'm so befuddled…he's been acting like he wants me for so long, and then he just chickens out? Am I really that unwanted?"

Penny stood up. "You know what? We are confronting Sheldon about this. You're going to tell him how you feel, and tell him you can't be his until he makes up for Friday. Get dressed."

Amy's mouth was a big "O". "Uh…umm…okay?"

She realized how lucky she was to have bestie like Penny.

**#**

Penny had known the date hadn't gone too well the minute Sheldon trudged up the stairs. He was soaking wet.

She had been waiting patiently to ambush him for details. _Maybe I should record this for future generations_, she joked to herself. However, she did not expect the wide-eyed, dripping man that was fumbling with his keys. Sheldon never fumbled with keys, or really fumbled at all.

"Are you alright, Moon Pie?" she asked as she opened the door.

Sheldon continued to stare at the lock while he searched for the right key. "Only my Meemaw calls me that, Penny. I wish you would recognize that. And no, I'm not alright. I'm wet."

She tipped her head to the side, considering what he said. "So why are you wet?"

"I walked home during what could be considered a hurricane by some meteorologists," he explained. He stopped his work with the lock and looked at Penny with his same, straight-faced Sheldon look.

"You walked home?" Penny restated. That was clue #1.

"Yes, Penny. I clearly stated that moments ago."

"Why didn't Amy drive you home?"

"She was," he looked around nervously, "preoccupied. So I walked home. Or at least to the hallway. If I can get this convoluted lock to work, then I'll have walked home."

"It's the small silver one, sweetie," Penny pointed out. She held up the spare Leonard had given her. "You're using the one for your comic book cabinets."

"How would you know that?" he asked her, looking at the keys. He pulled out the one previously occupying the keyhole.

"Leonard had me sneak in to grab one of your editions of X-Men to show off to Stuart," Penny told him.

"That traitor! I knew it looked a little empty!" He stuck the small silver key into the lock. He turned it and the hallway echoed with a clicking sound. "I should get myself to bed, and perhaps a shower or two…" He stepped into the apartment and shut the door.

Now Penny knew why Sheldon was so distracted. She honestly felt like going back in time and punching him. But she gave the privilege over to Amy the minute they stepped inside the lobby.

**#**

Leonard heard the rapid knocking on their door and knew something was going to go down.

He opened the door and Penny stormed in, dragging Amy behind her.

"Where's Sheldon?" Penny ordered. "We're about to go junior rodeo on his ass."

"In his bedroom," Leonard said with uncertainty. "May I ask what he did to make you want to go junior rodeo on his ass?"

"I'll tell you what," Penny said, pulled Amy over to her side and pointing. "I'm going all junior rodeo because he made her feel like crap. He chickened out on sex after making her feel comfortable with herself. He just left her there! I mean, who does that kind of thing?"

"Excuse me," said a voice timidly behind them. Sheldon looked like he normally did: cleaned and preened to perfection with a superhero t-shirt on and jeans. He looked as if nothing had happened, right there at the edge of the hallway. He'd been like that for the past two days, Leonard realized, but always in his room. Sheldon looked down and cleared his throat. "I heard my name?"

Penny nodded at Amy, who took a deep breath and stomped over to him, a single level to separate them. She grabbed his arm and pulled him into the living room, leading him over his spot.

"Alright, Sheldon," Amy said. "I have a few things to say to you regarding the events of Friday night."

"Please, Amy, I feel extremely uncomfortable talking about the events of Friday night," Sheldon pleaded in his usual condescending tone.

"No," she said in a firm tone and that struck everyone in the room. She was serious.

Penny grabbed Leonard's arm and dragged him into the bathroom with the door open so they could get a good view.

"I am very upset with you," Amy stated.

"I don't see why. It seems it should be I that is upset with you. You tried to seduce me, completely throwing off my schedule."

"Forget the schedule, Sheldon! You strung me along all night. I thought you were having a good time with me, that you are _attracted_ to me. You held my hand, said you enjoyed the date, and I thought that maybe…_maybe_ this would work. Because I worked all week, Sheldon, on getting this ready to make you happy. And I'm pretty sure I did. Then I decided to make this jump, a leap of faith so to speak. And what was my foundation? Your little outbursts, the touching, the kissing…all you did previously is what I had faith on. But those are just stupid baser instincts, aren't they? And you're 'too evolved' for that, aren't you? Well, judging by that little friend in your pants you're not, Sheldon."

"I accept that, Amy," Sheldon said weakly. Amy was fuming, taking in deep breaths and glaring at him. "However, I wasn't ready for coitus. You have to wait."

Amy sighed and face palmed at his reaction. "Sheldon, I can't wait anymore. The amendments are great, and they've been enough for a while. But I know you're uncomfortable with them, and it brings me a great deal of stress to think that I'm your girlfriend and it scares you to touch me. What's worse is that for a brief second you gave me hope before tearing it down and leaving my apartment."

"Amy, please control yourself," Sheldon ordered, looking frightened.

"You realize how much pain you left me in when you ran out?" Amy continued. "Yeah, I get that you're not ready yet. But you'll never be ready; you're always going to be too scared. So until then, I call for a suspension of the Relationship Agreement."

"Are you asking to take a break?" Sheldon asked for clarification.

"Yes, I am. Until you choose to confront the matters of Friday night, we have returned back to girl/friend/boy/friend status. Good day, Sheldon." She turned to the hallway. "Penny, I wish to leave."

Penny looked over to Leonard and then back over to Amy, nodding. "Sure, sweetie. Why don't we go get some coffee?"

Amy gulped. "Yes, coffee sounds excellent." She refrained from looking at Sheldon and exited.

Sheldon got up and retreated into his bedroom. The apartment was silent.

**#**

_Why has REM sleep escaped me tonight?_ Sheldon asked himself. He was pacing in his room. No amount of work, comic books, or papers by Stephen Hawking could subdue him. Instead, he was wide awake, and the gears in his mind were turning. _Metaphorically, of course,_ he thought_. If one had such objects lodged in their cranium they would need to acquire medical help immediately._

The problem his mind was trying to solve now and slightly different but related nonetheless to the problem he had been trying to solve for the past two days. It perplexed him how, with all the knowledge and familiarity of what happened in coitus, he became afraid of the subject altogether.

He had taken the classes, done the research, and had decided that sometime soon the event would happen. However, when it did happen soon, he was completely dumbstruck. That had never happened to him before without blunt force trauma, and he was sure hitting the headboard didn't induce a minor concussion.

He looked back on the experience and found himself _enjoying_ it. The mysterious new side easily took over him, like it knew how he worked. Like it had been there all long. It was primal and early, newly awakened.

Had he given into his baser urges?

Sheldon sat down on the bed, stumped. He felt a helpless as when Amy kissed him. This whole situation, it seems, had a touch of déjà vu.

_You need to get to the point of why she is angry, Cooper_, his logic ordered. _That way your mind can flow freely again._

He started at the beginning, listing out the reasons she had given on his white board. Amy had said he had strung her along, so that was one reason. She also said he was going too slowly. He had run away. She felt how uncomfortable he was when she touched him. She felt betrayed. She was frustrated that he would always be scared. That he didn't want to discuss the matters of Friday night.

_Use deductive reasoning_, his logic advised.

He crossed out the "going along too slowly". They knew very well how fast they had sped up in this past month or so. He also crossed out "uncomfortable when being touched". He had, in fact, come to enjoy her touch, and he had openly expressed it to her many times.

He looked at the remaining reasons. They all had to do with Friday night, so that was a clue. Now what did she mean by "strung her along"? He knew the expression, and he had seen Leonard in such situations many times. But he c_ertainly_ didn't string her along. He was being perfectly reasonable.

_Were you, really?_

It was that new mysterious side coming out again. Before all of this Sheldon never had to talk to voices in his head. Perhaps his mom really should have scheduled that follow-up appointment…

_I'm not a personality, you know. I'm merely a guidance counselor._

"Guiding me where?" Sheldon asked aloud.

_Her._

"Fine," Sheldon said. "You're the one who got me into all of this. Now you're going to get me out."

_Did you really think you were being reasonable by suddenly freaking out after touching her so much?_

He hadn't thought of it like that.

"So you're saying this has something to do with the shenanigans in her bedroom?" he asked. He already knew the answer.

Apparently, the mysterious new side knew, too. _You were getting into it, and then you left._

"I was not 'getting into it'," he scoffed.

_See? It's that denial that'll be getting you to buy three sacks of cat food._

He sighed. "I see your point. But what about the shenanigans is making her hate me?"

_Look at the board._

So they had to do with the bedroom shenanigans on Friday, and the fact that he ran away because he got scared. She felt betrayed because of it, but why?

_Because when you don't want to sleep with a woman they think something's wrong with them._

"That's preposterous," Sheldon commented. "There's nothing wrong with Amy. She's smart, intuitive, clever, a vixen…" His voice trailed off.

_But does she know that?_

"I find stating the obvious a little redundant, so no," he admitted. He saw where this was going.

_So she never knew, and now you've made her feel worse. You made her feel special and then dashed everything to pieces. I have a feeling she had built up a lot confidence to even confront you about it._

"Oh dear Lord," Sheldon sighed. He stared at the door.

_You fucked up, Dr. Cooper._

He was a little taken aback. He never swore, even in his mind. He had a built in function to censor any bad words from his memories. Everything was changing again…oh, no…

What if Amy wouldn't take him back? He couldn't care for that many felines again, and not to mention his schedule would be completely messed up. She wouldn't be there for the zoos, the museums, the emporiums…

Sheldon darted over to the bathroom and stood over the sink. If he vomited, at least he could bring himself to clean the place of impact. The toilet was too disgusting to clean, even for him.

"Sheldon, are you okay?" Leonard asked, rubbing his eyes and putting on his glasses. "I heard you talking in your room. The homeless guy on 34th didn't sneak in again, did he?"

"No, no…Leonard, could you take me over to Amy's?" He composed himself, standing straight and focused.

"It's 2 in the morning, and besides isn't she really mad at you?"

"Yes, she is. I intend to apologize." He cleared his throat, uncomfortable. He would never live up to this.

"Apologize?" Leonard repeated. He rolled up his robe sleeve and pinched himself lightly. "Ow!"

"What did you do that for?" Sheldon asked in curiosity.

"I've dreamed of this situation before, just making sure." He ran over to his room and grabbed his phone, aiming it at Sheldon. "Could you say that again? I'm sure that future generations would appreciate evidence that Sheldon Cooper is capable of guilt."

Sheldon shook his head. "Can you pretty please, with a cherry top?"

Leonard smiled. "Sure, as long as you repeat what you said into the camera….now!"

He sighed. "I'm going to apologize to Amy. Happy now?"

"Oh, more than happy. I'll grab my jacket, you change."

Sheldon nodded.

Leonard sent the video to Howard and Raj, chuckling.

**A/N: Ah, it got a little angst-y there, didn't it? I know you hate me. Don't worry, all will be okay. And yes, Amy is a little OOC when she's pissed off. But then again, a lot of people are OOC when they get mad. Love you babies! Oh, and a shout out to "voldylover" for being my 100****th**** review! I love every one of you, and thank you greenchopstix for being my first review and reviewing every chapter. Enough of me talking! I need to get back to work.**

**-ZG**


	18. The Reginald Ruse

**Hello my babies! I know I left you on a sort-of cliffhanger, but I got this up now! That season finale had me fangirling around the house day and night. I hope you enjoy this chapter, and there are plenty more to come! Shamy rules!**

**-ZG**

**#**

He couldn't believe he was doing this. He had tried over and over again to find a way to make it so it hadn't been him that caused her distress, but his attempts were in vain. Now he was hesitantly standing in front of the door. Dear Lord, why was he the one to do this? Couldn't Leonard talk to Amy for him? Oh, no, he couldn't.

He raised his hand to knock, but held back the impulse. She would never let him in, he knew that.

Sheldon calmed down, trying to reduce his heart rate. It had always been that same knock, ever since he was three. A pattern of three. Amy had pointed out it was symptomatic of OCD. He preferred to ignore that statement.

"You can do this, Cooper. It's a simple knock. She opens the door and you apologize. It's simple process and effect." He sighed. "However tedious the process may be…"

He knocked on the door once, sucking in his breath to control the urge to follow it quickly with two other knocks. Sheldon exhaled and waited.

Nothing happened.

He reached for the knob, and it clicked with ease.

"I did all that for nothing," he muttered. "I expect an apology, Amy Farrah Fowler."

The apartment was empty. Everything would look neat to a normal person, but some things were slightly askew. To Amy and Sheldon, that was the worst mess they could make alone on purpose without becoming very disturbed.

"Hello, Reginald," he heard a voice say from the bedroom. "I see you're here to help me forget my jerk of a boyfriend."

_A man is in Amy's apartment? Are they anticipating coitus? Who is this Reginald fellow and how do I not know about him?_ The questions circled his mind. He stormed towards the bathroom and opened the door to a rather odd sight.

Amy was in her pajamas feverishly tearing apart the plastic casing on an electric toothbrush, eyes puffy and hair oily.

"Amy?" Sheldon asked at this sight. The anger had left him, but the confusion stayed.

She backed away on her bed, falling off of the edge. She pulled herself up and glared. "Sheldon, what are you doing here? I didn't invite you over!"

"I am here…" He trailed off, sighing. "I am here to discuss the matters of Friday night. And may I ask what in a doubted deity's name you are doing with that electric toothbrush?"

Amy held up the toothbrush, which had fallen from its casing, with a blank expression. "Gerard broke a month ago," she explained.

"Oh," he said, suddenly silenced. A short time ago it would've meant nothing to him, just a simple way to get rid of one's baser urges. But now, it was completely different. His symptoms elevated, but he also felt very "peeved" as Penny would say. He cleared his throat.

"Shall we move this discussion to the kitchen? The bedroom seems a bit too coincidental," Amy said. She got up and straightened out her pajamas.

"Of course," he answered, turning around and seating himself on the middle stool.

Amy took a seat at the small table, facing him. It was silent for many moments. "Aren't you going to say something?"

He inhaled. "Oh, yes. I was just expecting you to start off as you are the one who suggested we talk about this. However, if we are going to fly away from convention I cannot argue." He shifted, clearing his throat. _Do or do not, there is no try_, he thought to himself. He inhaled again and spoke quickly. "I-wish-to-say-that-I-am-sorry-and-that-I-hope-we-can-resume-our-relationship-as-us-suspending-it-is-very-saddening-to-me."

Amy shook her head. "Could you repeat that?"

He looked at her exasperation. "It was hard saying it once, now you want to me repeat it?"

"You're speech was incoherent," Amy pointed out.

He sighed. Surprisingly, it was much easier to say the words now that he had expressed them. "I wish to say," he said slowly, "that I am-" He took in a deep breath. "—_sorry_ and that I hope we can resume our relationship as us suspending it is very saddening to me."

"I would accept you're apology, Sheldon," Amy said, walking to the freezer and pulling out a tub of ice cream and a spoon from a drawer.

"But?" Sheldon asked. _Ten for twenty-three?_ He pleaded in his mind. He hoped he got it right.

"But I want to hear what you did that made me upset," Amy answered him.

_Success_, he thought.

_Congratulations, poindexter_, the mysterious new side snapped. _Now answer her and maybe you won't be kicked out tonight._

He rolled his eyes in his mind. This new side was beginning to sound more and more like his brother George.

Sheldon looked up to Amy, who had a scoop of ice cream in her mouth her body positioned for listening, waiting for an answer. He cleared his throat and began.

"I recognize that I may have led you to the wrong conclusions on Friday night," he struggled to say. "And that I running off made you feel unwanted. However, I must inform you that even though I never say it, you are indeed someone I like having in my company. Also, your features are aesthetically pleasing."

Amy swallowed her ice cream. "Did you just compliment me?"

He nodded. For some reason, he was at a loss for words.

"Well, I wasn't expecting that. Hoping for it, yes, but not expecting that." She placed the lid on the ice cream and placed it back inside the freezer. "So where do you want to go from here?"

"Whatever do you mean?" he asked.

"We just experienced a failed attempt at coitus, Sheldon," Amy told him. "And in that attempt you were both aroused and frightened. I cannot simply forget the instance, and I know for a fact that you remember every detail."

"True," he acknowledged. "The memory has been repeating itself multiple times in very inappropriate places…" He trailed off, not wanting to reveal any more. He felt his cheeks get hot.

Amy giggled, but then resumed a straight face. "So shall we put coitus in the agreement? Or shall we simply see how things move along?"

"I believe that after the events on Friday there is simply _no_ way we _cannot_ put coitus in the Relationship Agreement," Sheldon admitted. "The problem is when the event is to take place, the way of notice, the definition-"

"I say we be spontaneous," she interrupted.

"Amy Farrah Fowler!" Sheldon exclaimed. "You know I am a man of planning! No such idea of being 'spontaneous' is to even be considered!"

"You have been spontaneous before," she pointed out. "The snuggling, the events of Friday night prior to entering my apartment, the hand holding last week when we watched the documentary on Albert Einstein…"

"They were incorrect and pompously disproving his theory!" he countered. "You know how I get around stupid people. I was an emotional wreck and not in control of my actions."

"Yet you do have the ability to survive in the unplanned," Amy said to him. "How about this? We draw up a section that says we can only engage in coitus in sound mind, so no alcohol or mental insanity is to be involved."

"Okay," he considered. "But shouldn't we schedule a date and time for this act to start being committed? It makes the idea of coitus a lot less frightening."

Amy thought a little bit. "No, no. I got it. We agree that the first time such an act happens, it must be at evening hours in either party's bedroom. It may or may not be after one of the more drastic acts of intimacy, such as kissing or cuddling."

Sheldon thought a little bit. It sounded very reasonable and traditional. It was surely not what he would've wanted to write in the agreement, but the thought of another suspension made him weak to Amy's wishes.

"I agree. I will type up the document, email it to you, and we shall from now on put coitus as an acceptable act of intimacy."

Amy smiled. "I'm happy to hear that."

"So are we terminating the suspension?" Sheldon asked.

"Of course," she said matter-of-factly. "Would you like to stay for breakfast?"

"I would enjoy it very much. You must remember that today is French toast day."

"I don't have any French toast mix."

He rolled his eyes. "Well, we are living on the wild side, aren't we? Fine, I'll have some high-fiber cereal."

"FiberOne or Raisin Bran?" Amy asked him.

"Dear lord, woman, do you think of me as a hippie? 'Raisin Bran'…" He rolled his eyes.

Amy shrugged. "FiberOne it is, then."

Sheldon kept a straight face, but on the inside he was smiling. For once, after so long, things were as calm as they had been months ago, back in a simpler time.

**#**

"So you made up with Amy?" Leonard asked at the lunch table. He looked exhausted, having waited in the car for an hour before Sheldon told him he could go home to sleep. "I was afraid you decided to wander Pasadena alone at night."

"Yes, we reestablished the Relationship Agreement," he answered.

The table was silent. Usually Howard would've made some joke by now, but he was at astronaut survival training. The wedding was in two weeks, the launch in four.

"Good for you, dude," Raj said.

"Thank you, Rajesh," Sheldon responded.

"Hey, Raj, doesn't your department have that new female coworker?" Leonard asked. "What was her name…Fidia?"

"It's Vismaya," Raj corrected. "And yes, Leonard, I do. Thank you for telling everyone about my nightmare."

"Why? I got to talk with her. She's pretty, she's nice…"

"Yes, but you can _speak_ to her." Raj angrily took a bite of his apple.

Amy walked over and sat next to Sheldon. "Hello," she said.

"Amy, what are you doing here? Don't you have work?" Sheldon asked.

"Yes, but I got an extended lunch break after one of our monkey's mauled my partner's face. I'm free to go wherever I want until they come back from the ER." She turned to Raj. "I've heard you are having a problem talking to the new female scientist in your department without alcohol. Am I correct?"

Speechless, Raj nodded.

"Fascinating. Perhaps you could be my side project while my current research is on hold."

"Are you suggesting putting Raj under different neurological experiments to cure him of his selective mutism?" Sheldon asked.

Amy nodded. "Yes. I think it would be very fun to dabble in psychology."

"Interesting. Perhaps I should join you."

"Very logical. Then Raj will have someone to talk to during the therapeutic section of his trial."

Amy looked over to Raj. "Would you be interested in participating in electroshock therapy, CAT scans, and multiple untested medications to study and cure your selective mutism?"

Raj whispered in Leonard's ear.

"I'll ask her," Leonard told him. "Raj asks that if he is cured he would be able to go on a date with Vismaya."

"Of course. In fact, your ability to pair bond and engage in intercourse with someone would be much higher."

Raj smiled and nodded.

"Oh, that reminds me! Penny used up our bandwidth downloading cat videos, so I was unable to email you _this_." He pulled out a piece of paper typed on with miniscule print.

"Oh, goody!" Amy exclaimed.

"What's that?" Leonard asked.

"A new installment of the Relationship Agreement," Sheldon explained calmly. "It is a repercussion of the reestablishment of our relationship."

"Can I see?" Leonard asked.

Sheldon sighed. "If you must." He looked over to Amy. "May I? It is within reasonable parameters, isn't it?"

"Everything is in place," Amy told him. She handed it over to him. "Here."

Sheldon presented the document to Leonard. He quickly read it over. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sex is on the table now?"

"You are correct," Sheldon answered. "I'm not sure how soon, but there is a chance that, yes, there shall be intercourse between Amy and I."

"Hoo," Amy muttered. Sheldon looked at her in surprise.

"You really must control your outbursts," he told her, but seemed unfazed by her behavior. He continued to eat, while Leonard and Raj continued to look at them with utter surprise, happiness, and confusion.


	19. The Nut Disintegration

**I'm hanging on the edge here, people. This hiatus will is making me actually looking forward to the next school year :P. I'm trying to make my storyline go with the storyline of the past couple of episodes with a few changes here and there so that everything still makes sense. Sorry for this chapter, it's a bit of a filler. But chapter 20 is on its way!**

**I own nothing. In fact, it would make me very happy if the writers took all of this and put it in the show. So go ahead, I only own my obsession and an FF account.**

**-ZG**

**#**

"So clarify for me again," Howard said as he ate his Thai food on the floor of apartment 4A. "She got you in bed, you ran out on her, she confronted you, you got whipped, and now sex is on the table?" It had the evening after Amy persuaded Raj into her experiment.

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Yes, Howard. I don't see how that could be any simpler."

"No, no, I understand what you said; I just have a hard time believing it. Apparently a man misses a lot when he goes off to survival camp."

"Oh yeah, how was that?" Leonard asked him.

Howard looked to the ground and bit his lip. "I don't want to talk about it." Then he muttered something about how beautiful butterflies were.

"So what is Amy like underneath all those sweaters and tights?" Raj asked.

Sheldon glared at him. "You will never know, now will you? I find your need to know what my girlfriend looks like very unnerving."

"Come on, Sheldon," Howard said, "it's normal to tell your male friends about your sex life."

"Are you saying that one must, by social convention, proclaim the details of their coital escapades to their two male companions and one male acquaintance?" Sheldon asked.

Leonard nodded. "Well, yeah. Don't you remember all the times Howard told us about the girls he got?"

"I'm afraid not. You see, over the years as I heard my father boast of such stories while my mother wasn't around, I developed the ability to tune out the voices of lesser minds." Sheldon took a sip of his water.

"I chose not to get a PhD, alright?" Howard defended.

"Say what you want, dude, but he isn't going to change," Raj pointed out.

Sheldon's phone beeped with a text message. "Ah, our old ladies are coming over in five minutes, apparently."

"I knew that," Leonard said. "Why did Amy tell you that?"

"Because she was giving me an early warning that as a greeting she will kiss me and then after we finish eating cuddle with me," Sheldon said calmly and analytically. He got up and dumped his food into the trash. "The fact that she was coming over was just an introduction to said warnings."

"You could've just said 'she was just telling me'," Leonard pointed out sheepishly. "I honestly didn't need to hear that."

"And what, be totally caught off guard by them making out again?" Howard snickered.

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "We will not be 'making out' as you say. For that I would've needed a notice five hours ago."

"So even after the idea of spontaneous sex has been put on the table you still have all these rules and regulations?" Leonard asked him.

"Of course. I'm embracing the chaos, Leonard, not eloping with her at a chapel in Reno."

Howard still looked stunned.

"It's okay, dude," Raj reassured him. "It took me five hours and three episodes of Project Runway to get used to it."

There was a knock at the door.

"It's open!" Leonard yelled.

Through the door came Bernadette, Penny, and Amy.

"Hey guys," Penny greeted. She eyed the coffee table. "Oh, dumplings!"

She was immediately drawn to the food.

"Penny, we just ate," Bernadette pointed out.

"I'm a growing girl," Penny countered, mouth full.

Sheldon walked over. "Good evening, Amy," he said.

Amy walked to him and met him in front of the table. "Good evening, Sheldon," she said back to him. She got her tiptoes and pecked him on the lips.

"So he _is_ a real boy," Howard joked, but he still looked upon the spectacle with awe.

**#**

"Now, Rajesh," Amy said as she pulled out her clipboard. They were in her lab. Raj sat in a chair connected to a beeping machine, while Sheldon and Amy were in lab coats. "To start our experiment, I'm going to have to run a series of tests on you to see how we will attempt to cure your mutism."

Raj nodded, obviously a little intimidated.

"We have you connected to a heart monitor. Sheldon will ask you yes or no questions while I will be out of the room. Then I will come in and give you the same questions. Understood?"

Raj nodded again.

"Okay, then we will put you in an MRI scanner with headphones. First there will be a male voice, and then a female voice. Then we shall do these two tests again while you are under the influence of Peach Absolut and Piña Colada mix."

Raj nodded again.

They went through the testing with almost complete ease. Raj had a bit of a panic attack at one point during the yes or no questions with Amy and almost fell onto some syringes after he got the alcohol into his system. He thanked Sheldon and nodded to Amy, and then left for his apartment in a hurry. After all, The Good Wife was going to be on in twenty minutes.

They went over the findings on Amy's desk.

"It seems that when his inhibitor is shut down by the alcohol, his neurons do not send the same path to his frontal and parietal lobes as they do when not under the influence. That is obviously where his mutism comes into place," Sheldon observed.

"How did you know so much about the human brain? I thought biology was full of, and I quote, 'yucky, squishy stuff'?" Amy asked him.

"During my spare time not unraveling the mysteries of the universe I decided to figure out what interests you so much about the brain. I must say, though I am still perplexed on your choice of neuro_biology_, the brain is a fascinating thing. Mine above all others."

"You did that for me?" Amy asked in disbelief.

"I did it merely out of curiosity. The fact that you are flattered by it was not a consequence I had interpreted when I made the decision to read about brains."

Amy sighed. "Well, you are correct. The activity has drastically changed due to certain hormones being released. Perhaps if we put him on medication to direct the hormones differently, we could cure his anxiety towards women."

"He did try an experimental medication years ago, but the effects wore off within a day," Sheldon told her. Under his breath he muttered, "Thank God."

"Why so grateful?" she asked him.

Sheldon took a break from leaning over the results and went to wash his hands. "Raj was trying to anticipate coitus with my sister, Missy, as were Howard and Leonard. At first I did not care for such activities as sharing a room with her gave me the notion it would not be taking away anything she didn't already lose…" He turned off the sink and dried his hands. "…however, they reminded me that in the genes of my dumb as soup sister was the dormant qualities of another prodigy like me, if paired with an intelligent mate. Rajesh was below par, and after the medication wore off he could not speak to Missy and therefore not mate with her."

"I see," Amy told him. She rearranged the papers on the desk. "Do you remember when we were contemplating having a progeny via in vitro fertilization?"

"Of course I do, Amy. I have an eidetic memory. Penny still isn't over the fact that I asked if her womb was for rental." He came back over to the desk.

"The idea of in vitro wasn't very logical in hindsight," she added. "We could've come across a clumsy surrogate or a baby snatcher."

"Very true, and my mother wouldn't have approved."

"Is that why the topic never came up again?"

He started putting papers back into their files. "Of course, my mother would be highly opposed to child out of wedlock. The fact is, Amy, if there ever was going to be a progeny I would have to legally wed you as to not feel the wrath of Mary Cooper."

"So are you implying that the only way you would wed me is if we were to have a progeny?" Amy started angrily placing the files into her bag.

"Well, yes." Sheldon looked over to Amy, who was looking away from him.

_Nice job, Cooper. Explain yourself._

"You see, legal marriage is a contract. I find no need to be wed because we are already under the Relationship Agreement. The only thing that would change would be commitment, and I don't think there is another female homo Novus who shares my likes, dislikes, and personality like you. In fact, you are the only person not related to me by blood that I would miss having in my life."

The words had spilled out so fast, but the minute he finished saying them he shot up and eyed her with surprise.

"Are you saying that you have feelings for me?" Amy asked, smiling.

"Well, of course," he answered. _Dear lord, what is with these random outbursts?_ he thought. Yet he continued. "I thought that was implied when you started that experiment to increase such feelings. Stating that you are 'increasing' them would imply that they had already been there." He turned around and picked up his bag.

For once in a long time, his logic side took over. _Feelings? You cannot express such feelings! You are the homo Novus, completely capable of ignoring baser qualities such as emotions. _

"It's just reassuring to hear it from someone else other than Penny," Amy explained.

"Anything is good to hear from someone else other than Penny."

"Hey, she's my bestie. As the orange-colored women from the shore of Jersey would say, 'Don't insult my girl or else you'll get a stiletto to your nut-sack.'"

He instinctually placed his hands over his crotch, his years with Missy being the origin of this action. "Seems a little unnecessary, don't you think?"

"No. If I was meaning to silence you, the pain originating from your testicles would trigger a whimper and therefore render you useless of any coherent speech. If I wished to cause you pain, there _are___4,000 nerve endings on the male sex organs as you've stated before. You'd be, and I'm putting this in simplest terms, 'in a world of hurt'."

Sheldon's face contorted at the thought of the pain. "I hope you don't wish to forcibly place your foot in my no-no place," he said. "That would certainly be inconvenient as I need to walk over to your car and the ride itself would be very high in tension."

Amy nodded. "Understood. Just don't attack my homegirl again." She grabbed her bag.

"Penny's influence is getting more and more drastic by the day," he muttered, and they left the lab.

**I know it's shorter, don't kill me! I'm just dragging out the relationship. You can't have the Shamy start having sex within a week. That would be illogical. However, it shall be happening soon…in a couple of chapters at least. And remember, there'll be no lemonade in this cocktail I've created. Sorry to disappoint…but yeah.**

**-ZG**


	20. The Base Achievement

**I must say thanks to my awesome beta-reader for getting this chapter back so fast. You're such a strong person, don't give up. :D I hope you like this chapter, it surely must be better than the last one. Sorry about that :/**

**Reviews keep me going!**

**-ZG**

**#**

"…so long story short, I ended up singing 'The Driedel Song' half like a normal boy and the other half like a nervous mouse," Howard said. The group laughed.

"Please," Raj said, taking a sip of his beer. "Back in India I was going to this high-end ball with my family for my father to seal a business deal. The décor was amazing, I must say, but I found myself centered mostly on the female dancers at the party. Let's just say I was wearing loose pants and I was the shame of the family for a month."

"At least your mother didn't start recording the number of times you masturbated during the day and how long you lasted," Leonard complained. He sat back in his chair, pinching the bridge of his nose while laughing. "She said that at the rate I was going I would never be able to please a woman constantly. Looks like I proved her wrong, huh, Penny?"

Penny looked down and took a bite of her pizza. "Yeah, sweetie. Let's go with that."

Leonard looked at her funny, and was about to say something when Amy interrupted.

"I know you male counterparts of the social group or 'guys' in the simplest terms believe awkward erections, masturbation, and voice changing is the worst someone can go through in puberty," she said, "but girls do have it much worse."

Sheldon, who was sitting next to her in his spot, turned to her curiously. "How so?"

"Well," Amy said, putting her food and placing her hands on her lap, "there is the discomfort of being in one's own body, developing feelings for male companions, the new back pain from one's growing breasts, and obviously the first few months of menstruation."

"Oh yeah," Bernadette chimed in. "The first time you get your period is always the worst. I got mine in the middle of school and the nuns sprayed holy water on me to 'purify my unholy womb'."

"They did an exorcism on your uterus?" Penny asked her.

Bernadette shrugged. "Technically, yeah. It was a small town."

"Honey, I had it worse. My first period was in a public pool in front of a guy I liked," Penny told the group. "He was a jerk, though. He started doing the Jaws theme song and warning people about the sharks coming to get them whenever he saw me."

"Come on, periods can't be that bad," Leonard said. "At least you can hide them pretty easily. We needed tight pants and horrible flashbacks of our naked grandmothers carving a turkey to hide our problems." The group looked at him. "Long story."

"Alzheimer's is a terrible disease," Sheldon commented. The group continued to eat.

**#**

Date night had arrived again. It was the first one after the whole "Fun with No Flags Incident", as they had deemed it. It was a simple date: go over to the Cheesecake Factory, have a walk in the park, and then come back over to 4A to 'chill' as the simpletons had stated.

A couple hours previous to the date, Leonard was working at his desk when Sheldon's phone buzzed. He looked over, and saw that it was from Amy.

_Sheldon, I am texting you to inform you that sometime halfway through the date there will be an instance of French Kissing. I haven't planned what exact instance and time, or if it will actually happen at all. However, I am merely texting you as a notice. Salutations!_

_P.S. Did you know that a few scientists actually brought dead dogs back to life? It seems I was wrong about zombies being biologically impossible. Well played._

Leonard shook his head. He was obviously spending time at Penny's tonight.

"Hey, Sheldon!" Leonard called, aiming for the hallway. "You got a text from Amy!"

Sheldon came out in a suit and his hair gelled more than usual. "What does it say?" he asked. "And please don't touch my phone; the sanitary wipes for iPhones are very expensive."

"Then read it yourself," Leonard told him. "And I only saw it from the screen, I didn't touch anything."

Sheldon picked up the phone and smiled.

"What makes you so happy?" he asked, knowing the answer.

"Oh, I've just gotten her to believe in a possible zombie apocalypse. That is all," he said.

Leonard smiled. "Sure, that's why."

"Stop acting juvenile, Leonard."

"Stop looking like Pee-Wee Herman."

"Is it really too formal?" Sheldon asked him insecurely, which surprised Leonard. "I thought that I must look my best if coitus is to be so spontaneous."

"Just look like yourself. Amy was never opposed to that before."

"I do look like myself, Leonard. I am obviously recognizable."

Leonard sighed. "I mean, dress like you would normally dress. And don't look forward to immediate sex anyways. It's only been two weeks."

"I'm not looking forward to anything, I am merely preparing myself for everything," Sheldon snipped. "But I guess I should go back and change." He walked back into his bedroom and emerged minutes later in his old Superman t-shirt and brown plaid slacks.

"See, now that is much better," Leonard commented, but took notice to the overly-gelled hair. "However, your hair needs a fixing…" He got up and reached for Sheldon's head, but his hand was swapped away.

"Are you mad, man?" Sheldon snapped. "I will go 'fix' my hair myself, thank you very much." He stormed off to the bathroom. "You would think that after living together for so long one would come to know such things."

**#**

Amy looked over to her right as she sat in the car at a red light. Sheldon was idly looking out the window, obviously avoiding eye contact. That was very new, as it was the most common form of contact they had ever experienced. She tapped her finger on the steering wheel and hummed a little bit, waiting for the light to turn green.

It stayed the same.

She looked up and thought of small talk topics. _If only I had my flash cards_, she thought. She sighed and couldn't take the silence much longer.

"So are you happy now that I accept the possibility of zombies being real?" she asked him.

"Very," he responded in a bored tone. "Though I found you to be quite stubborn on the matter."

"Great minds think alike," Amy pointed out.

"True, but my mind is extraordinary," he countered.

"I know that," Amy said.

The silence continued. The light turned green.

They arrived at the Cheesecake Factory and were greeted by someone else other than Penny.

"Excuse me," Sheldon said. "Where is Penny? She always seats us."

The waitress smacked her bubblegum loudly. "Penny's shift ended an hour ago. She gave me a list of instructions for when you came here. Pleased to finally meet ya, Sheldon."

"Well it is certainly not pleasing to meet you…" He eyed her nametag. "Brandy."

"I got your table all set up okay? Just keep your yap shut till we get there," she snapped, grabbing their menus and placing them down on the table.

As Brandy was leaving Amy tapped her on the shoulder. "I apologize for my boyfriend. He can be very stubborn sometimes."

Brandy's eyes widened. "That's your boyfriend?"

Amy nodded proudly.

Brandy put a hand on Amy's shoulder. "I'm so sorry." Then she walked off to another table.

Sheldon looked at Amy quizzically. "What was that all about?"

She waved her hand. "Oh, nothing." She sat down and picked up a menu. "Do you know if the pasta primavera is any good?"

Sheldon looked at her in obvious disbelief.

"Never mind," she said.

It was silent again, something Amy was having a problem with. She put her menu down and stared straight at him. "I'm having a problem with this lack of communication we're having," she confessed.

"I have flash cards," Sheldon suggested. "Perhaps we could discuss the possibility of a zombie apocalypse."

Amy rolled her eyes. "I said 'well played'. That means I give up and you have no right to gloat."

"I am not gloating, but merely stating the obvious: I am right and you are wrong," he stated.

Amy was about to fire off on him, but calmed herself down. "Can I take a look at those flash cards?"

Sheldon nodded and delved his hand into his bag. "I laminated them at the off chance you would spill food or your beverage on them. It seems to be very helpful, as you have had trouble with beverages before."

She blushed. For some reason, that incident seemed like it happened years ago, not close to two months.

"Here they are," Sheldon said, pulling out a small blue note card box. "Be free to browse. The second file in there is for travel Counterfactuals if you're game."

Amy flipped through the topics, settling her eyes on one in particular. "Here's one: the persistence in society that a tomato be thought of as a vegetable."

"Ah, yes. Another excellent example at society's stupidity."

"The evidence is there. The tomato behaves as a fruit would and shares characteristics in its fruit and flora."

It was silent again. Then Amy came up with an idea.

"You know, I recall that some couples like to spy on other couple's and try to humorously figure out what they are saying. The dialogue is skewed, of course, but nonetheless it seems very intriguing."

"You know I am not one to figure out other's emotions."

"It is simple mockery. Even higher minds like to mock the lower minds."

"I find the idea tedious," Sheldon sighed, and continued to read his menu.

Amy huffed and stood up, taking Sheldon's arm.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"We're leaving," he explained.

"Why? That would upset the natural balance of things."

"Because this date has been horrible so far," she told him. She dragged him out of the restaurant and into her car.

"So what are you suggesting we do?" he asked, a little frazzled by her assault.

"We go someplace else," Amy responded, sounding a little defeated. She honestly didn't know what they were going to do. Impulse was a hell of an action. "The train store, the park, the Museum of Natural History-"

"The park sounds nice," Sheldon quietly said. "But where on earth would we get food to eat?"

"The grocery store, obviously. We could have a picnic."

"But I only go to one grocery store, and it is most definitely not on the way to the park," he complained to her.

"Then we go to a different grocery store, I guess."

"Oh yes, of course!" he agreed sarcastically. "Let's just go to the corner market and join the hooligans injecting God knows what into their veins through rusty needles. Because we all know that's fun for ages one to 100!"

Amy looked over to him. "Sarcasm?"

He met her eyes with exasperation. "Knowing Penny, one comes to know such things."

Amy sighed. "Fine. We can just end the date here." She started the car. "I'll drop you off-"

"No!" he interrupted. Amy jumped, and he composed himself by clearing his throat. "I mean, I find it unnecessary. We had plans for tonight that are rooted in my schedule and I don't want to mess _that_ up again."

She smirked, a small smile forming on her face. She knew the minute she sent to notice for French Kissing that he had him. Sheldon Cooper might have been the smartest man alive, but that was just it. He was still a man, both physically and hormonally. _Oh, how I love biology_, she thought to herself.

"We can go to the Trader Joe's up the street, and I have a thoroughly washed blanket in the trunk. It sounds like a perfect picnic to me." She looked steadily at him. "And I'm sure it won't interfere with any of the activities we have for tonight."

Sheldon whispered something that sounded like "mixin'". "I suppose that would be adequate," he sighed. "But if we buy produce I'm going to have to find a sink to wash them."

**#**

The park was mostly abandoned when they arrived. The play structure sported a few children and teenagers and a barbeque was taking place near the water fountain. Sheldon and Amy sat themselves down on a hill concealed by some bushes. Amy placed the blanket down and set out the premade sandwiches they had bought.

"Amy, this is not an ideal location," Sheldon pointed out. "The bushes don't conceal us from every direction of wind, making pollen and allergens more likely travel up my nasal cavities should a 60 degree southeast wind pick up. And the grass isn't thoroughly weeded, plus we are so close to the entrance we could witness a drug deal or something of that sort."

She handed him his sandwich. "Sheldon, why don't we just enjoy this evening? I'm sure nothing bad will happen. It is a cloudless night in the fair city of Pasadena; we have two specially-made deli sandwiches in our hands, and a bottle of sparkling pear cider to drink in fancy little glasses. I don't see anything wrong."

"That is because you only see the _general_ aspects of this location, and not the specifics." He took a bite of his food and waited until after he had finished chewing to talk. He pointed over to some children blowing bubbles. "Such as why anyone in this dimension would find happiness in enlarged orbs of dish detergent."

"May I suggest the whimsy and quirkiness of it?" Amy suggested. She smiled at a memory. "That was the word I liked from your sentence, you know."

"And in what instance did I ask you what word from a sentence of mine you liked?" Sheldon asked her.

"When you were explaining your appeal to drinking Diet Coke through a Red Vine," she told him.

"Ah, yes," he mused. "That was just before…" His voice trailed off. Even after all that they had been through it was still a hard memory to talk about for him.

"Just before I tried to seduce you?" Amy finished for him. She took a bite of her sandwich. "Yes, a failed attempt on my part."

"Not failed," Sheldon said. "It was an admirable performance. It was the only instance I can recall since learning to speak that I couldn't find anything to say."

Amy nudged him. "Thank you." She reached for the cider bottle and popped it open. "Care for a glass?"

"Yes, please."

She carefully poured him an adequate amount and handed the small plastic wine glass to him and then poured herself some cider. They drank in silence for a little bit before Sheldon spoke.

"May I ask, for the sake of reciprocation, how was I for the kiss?" he asked, his voice getting a little more sheepish at the word "kiss".

"I would say that while your body was a little less animated, our 'sessions' have been quite satisfying despite the events afterwards."

"Yes, it seems that after each quote-unquote 'session' we reach an uncomfortable period."

Amy took a sip of her cider. "And whose fault is that?"

"Yours, obviously. You forced yourself upon me." He cleared his throat, realizing the rashness of his words. "However, I may have contributed to the awkwardness here and there."

"Here and there?" Amy repeated. "The first time you looked like a frightened pygmy marmoset, the second time you responded well but compared me to a tiger, and the third time you may have beaten the Road Runner's high school track record."

"Okay…_a lot_," he admitted. He looked at his watch. "It seems that it is approximately halfway through our date."

"And?" Amy asked, not catching on. He looked at her with a face that said, _you know what I mean_. She remembered, and decided then and there that Sheldon wasn't much of an initiator when it came to these things. "Oh, I see. Just let me finish my glass." She gulped it down and threw it aside, not really caring where it landed. He placed his on the grass carefully, and then sat there.

It was like when they cuddled for the first time all over again. They were really just waiting to see who would make the first move. Hesitantly, they move inched closer. But sure enough, they somehow got themselves into the position they were in at the moment: Amy on top of Sheldon in the process of exchanging saliva.

One thing was for sure: he surely was a _lot_ more animated than before. Before, he may have tentatively wrapped his arms around her or just lie there while she did all the work. He would kiss her back, sure, but Amy was the leader of this military strike, so to speak.

This time, however, he decided to explore a little more. The minute she got on top of him he pulled her in closer, causing her to moan a little in surprise.

Her mind was racing; Sheldon was turning out to be a pretty good kisser when he didn't lie like a floorboard. His hands trailed away from her back in search of something…she didn't know what, but something.

Meanwhile, in Sheldon's mind, he kept hearing Howard and Bernadette explain sexual tension, and the baseball diamond chart. The first stop was checked off, but an oblong circle still surrounded the northern base…

"Whoa," Amy said, separating the kiss. She looked at her chest and blinked. Nope, his hand was still there.

"Is something wrong?"Sheldon asked. "I didn't happen to come across a bruise did I? I've heard that sometimes bruises form around…this area." Sheldon suddenly realized what he was doing and what he was saying and cleared his throat. He took his hand away and they sat up.

"No, no," Amy reassured him. "No, no. I just didn't expect _this_ from you."

"You've asked me to reach quote-unquote 'second base' on numerous occasions," he commented. "And with the new installment of the Relationship Agreement it is acceptable. However, if you are uncomfortable I completely understand."

"No," Amy said. It seemed to be the only word she could use right now. "It's okay. I'm just surprised. It is very spontaneous."

"Due to recent events I find myself embracing the chaos. It is a difficult task to accomplish, but a wise man once said, 'Change is the essential process of all existence.'"

"Who was the wise man that stated that?" Amy asked. Her breathing was finally returning to normal.

"Spock," Sheldon answered plainly.

It was silent for another moment.

Amy sighed. "Good enough for me," she thought out loud, and pounced on him again.


	21. The Conway Twitty Favoritism

**Hey guys! New chapter is up! I love each and every one of you for reading and reviewing :)**

**-ZG**

**#**

Penny was only going to get her laundry done, simple as that. She had nothing else to do on a late Thursday night. It was going to be the same routine she accomplished every time once a week: go downstairs, wash, wait, dry, fold, and go back upstairs. Half way down, however, she heard an uncharacteristic and breathy feminine giggle. It could have only belonged to one person.

She stopped in her tracks, slowly rewinding her steps as she heard the voices getting louder, but stayed close enough to hear them.

"Amy, what is so funny?" she heard Sheldon inquire.

"Nothing at all," Amy answered.

"Well then I hardly see the reason to laugh," he said. "There was no hilarious pun or play on words, or a ridiculous incidence that has been shared."

"I'm laughing because I'm having a good time. It is an outburst of emotion."

Penny walked back up a floor, gripping onto the laundry basket. Sheldon sounded loose and relaxed. _How odd_, she thought.

"We are higher evolutionary species, Amy," Sheldon pointed out with a bit of a laugh. "Outbursts of emotion are below us."

"Oh, really?"Amy asked.

There was pause of words and footsteps. "Yes." The footsteps started again.

"Says the one who groped me like an airport security officer tonight," she muttered.

Penny flew her hand over her mouth. Was this another one of their experiments in that theory? She had already bought Amy some baby stuff before they told the group about the whole story. All that stuff was still in her closet, but she didn't really know why.

"That was instinctual. It had nothing to do with emotion."

"What about you telling me you had feelings for me?"

There was a pause of footsteps again. After a couple moments of silence, Sheldon finally spoke. "Okay, I'll give you that. To be fair, I suspect I am like Spock and am half _homo sapiens sapiens_."

"Just admit it, Sheldon," Amy ordered. "We may be higher evolutionary beings, but we still carry human tendencies. It's epigenetic in nature."

"True. My upbringing is the reason that if I must listen to any music it usually Conway Twitty or Stevie Nicks."

Penny backed up another floor, just a couple feet away from her apartment.

"I find you leaning towards old-style country music amusing, as you do not seem like the kind of person who would enjoy such music."

"I never said I enjoyed it," he stated. "I meant that I can tolerate it. Such artists are certainly less likely to make my ears bleed compared to Penny's electronically altered music idols."

_Rihanna isn't that bad_, Penny defended in her mind. She slowly started creeping into her apartment.

"I told you not to talk down about my homegirl," Amy warned him.

"I was merely fact, not an insult."

She kept the door ajar as she saw the power couple of Pasadena make their way up the stairs. Amy was smiling that Cheshire cat smile of hers, continuously looking up at Sheldon's face. Sheldon's hair was slightly askew, but neat nonetheless. He reciprocated the look, their eyes meeting as they neared his apartment door.

_Great_, Penny thought. _More eye-sex. _She swore Amy could get pregnant from all that unprotected eye-loving.

"Would care for a beverage, as you happen to be a guest in my residence?" he asked.

Amy waved her hand. "My digestive system is too busy working on that picnic food," she answered. "Besides, I must get to bed before one in the morning in order to properly function."

"Same as I, I'm afraid," Sheldon sighed. "But I must say tonight was rather eye-opening and pleasant."

"I completely agree," Amy said.

"May I propose a hug and small kiss as a means of goodbye?"

Amy raised an eyebrow.

"It only seems appropriate after the events of tonight," he explained. "My upbringing has also taught me to not leave a woman feeling like, as my mother would say, the 'harlot of Houston'."

Amy nodded. "You may start the clock."

Penny shook her head. Only Sheldon and Amy would still keep their regulations after almost having sex.

30 seconds passed, and Sheldon gave another one of his hugs, clutching her ever so lightly so it gave the impression that Amy was made of porcelain. They broke apart, and he bent down to accommodate for her height. She pecked him on the lips.

"Goodnight," Amy said.

"Amy, it is just past midnight," Sheldon scolded. "I believe the proper phrase is 'good morning'."

Amy nodded her head. "Good morning, Sheldon. I will see you later today."

"Exactly," he said. He opened up his door. "Good morning, Amy." He waved his hand and she waved back, and his door shut.

It was then that Penny came out of her apartment for the second time in the past half an hour, smiling and pretending she didn't hear the conversation that had taken place moments ago.

"Hey, Amy!" she said in fake giddiness.

Amy whipped around. "Oh, hello bestie."

"How was your date with Shelbot?" she asked.

Amy glanced over her shoulder to the door, and then took Penny's arm, dragging her inside her own apartment. Amy shut Penny's door, peeked out the peephole and turned around, smiling widely.

"Second base has been reached," Amy said formally, but it was obvious she was ecstatic.

Penny tried to keep her cool, trying not to scream _"I KNOW!"_ as loudly as she could. What would she do in this kind of situation?

"Are you sure?" she asked. "It wasn't an accident or anything, right?"

"Nope. He willingly grabbed my breasts on purpose."

It was hard to think Sheldon—hands-off, no-touchy Sheldon—doing something like that without believing in an alternate universe.

"Well, Ames, that is…spectacular?" Penny guessed.

"It sure is. Just make sure you don't tell too many people, okay? Especially not the guys. I don't want boys all over this." She gestured to herself, which at the moment was covered in layers upon layers.

"I'll make sure," Penny reassured. "Care for a glass of wine?"

"No, I best be off. It is getting close to twelve-twenty, and I have a strict bedtime routine I need follow before the clock strikes one." She stood up, brushed herself off, and waved goodbye. She then made her way out the door.

Penny smiled. "And Sheldon says I can't act."

**#**

After the date Sheldon had sauntered into his apartment, neatly placing his jacket on his work chair while softly singing the Super Mario Bros. theme song. He went to the refrigerator for a beverage and returned to his spot. It was only after turning on the television and looking around the apartment he noticed Leonard staring at him in the hallway.

"Oh, hello Leonard," he greeted pleasantly.

Leonard stood in his robe, crossing his arms and smiling. "You seem to be in a very good mood. How was your date with Amy?"

Sheldon found it very hard to lie. He always had. But speaking in generalities was not lying. "Oh, it went well. Same old, same old."

"Well that's good to hear," Leonard told him, making his way down the one step that elevated the hallway and stopping in front of the kitchen island. "I was sure that the whole 'adding sex to the deal' might make it awkward."

"Just because your attempts at taking leaps in a relationship have failed does not mean it will be the same for me," Sheldon defended. "The date went along as it always would. We had dinner, though it was in the park rather than an approved restaurant, we spent some time together, and we went home."

"So nothing interesting happened?" Leonard asked. "Even during your—well let's call it 'time of extreme togetherness'."

"Of course not. It was as it had been before." His voice squeaked a little at the second sentence. That had been a lie, and he was trying hard not to state it outright.

"So why did Penny text me 'You'll never believe what happened on the Shamy's date.'?" he asked, smiling a little more.

Sheldon sighed. "Will you continue to call Amy and me that hideous amalgamation? It has no use other than to shorten the amount of time you are pronouncing our relationship vocally."

"Well, I'm going to ask her what happened and I'll get her side of the story, and then you can defend yourself, okay?" Leonard proposed.

_Amy had to go home. She surely wouldn't have told Penny much_, he reasoned. "Fine. Do as you please."

Leonard texted Penny and set the phone down. It was silent for a couple of seconds until his phone buzzed again. Leonard's eyes flew open. "Wow. I never knew Penny could text so fast."

"Oh, that reminds me," Sheldon said. He pulled out his phone and quickly tapped the screen. The phone made a sound and he put it on the table. "I had to send Amy a goodnight text."

"You're still doing that?"

"I am a man of routine, Leonard. I cannot simply give up doing this every night."

He shook his head, pushing up his glasses. "Anyways…Penny says you two made out, hugged, kissed goodnight, and-" He stopped, smiled, and looked up. "You dog!"

Sheldon shifted uncomfortably in his spot. "I find myself having no resemblance to the domestic canine, other than my hearing and love for getting my tummy scratched."

"You got to second base?"

Sheldon held his head up high, though on the inside he felt himself getting hot. "You heard what the lady said. I will not deny that those events took place during my date with Amy Farrah Fowler." He stood up. "Now I'm going to go to bed. If you have any further questions I have a box installed just outside my door, as usual."

And with that, Sheldon walked into the hallway and into his bedroom, swearing that Penny would pay for spilling the metaphorical beans.

**#**

"What do you mean I won't be able to continue the study with you?" Sheldon asked Amy. He was on his laptop in his bedroom. Their conversation had been going well so far, but it had quickly turned around the moment the subject of Raj's treatment came up.

"Since we began I have all the components to try to get Raj to talk on his own. Since you have no experience in biology you are no longer needed as the messenger in the experiment," Amy explained.

"Still, I see no need for you to be philandering with strange men," he told her.

"Raj is not a strange man. He is a trusted friend and colleague of yours."

"Still, I feel like you would need my supervision. You are not for him."

Amy raised an eyebrow. Was Sheldon getting jealous? She had never seen him so territorial over anything except for his spot. "If you are under the impression that Raj and I will engage in amorous activities, no such things will happen. Raj will be under no alcoholic influence to sway his priority of 'bros over hoes' and I am offended that you would think I would betray you as such."

"I never said you would betray me, I was saying that other men would make you do so," he stated. "Let's face it; though my mind is the David Beckham of minds my own body is no underwear model."

"I'm surprised you would be so insecure about your own appearance," Amy said. "You are not overweight or in any resemblance of a modern-day Quasimodo."

"After being called 'stickwad' by the neighbor kids one's own psyche develops such insecurity," he defended. "Besides, you as an American woman have such insecurity and I am baffled by it also."

"How so? After all I am not Penny."

"Your features are aesthetically pleasing, there are no disease-ridden lumps or blemishes on your faces or skin, and your eyes stand out like two green stoplights, which I believe is why so many women wear eye makeup." He paused. "I see no reason for you to feel insecure."

Amy tried to keep herself composed. She shook her head. "And you are not a stickwad. On the contrary, you have filled out a little bit since a first met you."

Sheldon smiled. "Thank you." He looked at his watch. "Oh, it is almost bedtime."

"And I'm still doing the treatment with Raj alone," she stated. Before he could say anything, she said, "Goodnight, Sheldon." And she promptly closed her laptop so she could squeal like a teenage girl.

**#**

"Alright, Raj," Amy said. "I want you to take these two pills. The effects should show up in the next five minutes or so." She handed the silent, seated man two small white tablets. He timidly took them from her and swallowed them whole.

"I know the past couple of treatment styles haven't been very effective," she continued, "and I know the electroshock therapy may have scarred you for life. However, medication is simple and easy. But you must not have any other medication while on this drug. We'll test the immediate effects today and chart your progress throughout the week. Do you understand?"

Raj nodded.

"I'm going to exit the room for the next couple of minutes. I want you to start singing a couple of your favorite songs, and I'll come in at different times to see when the medication has started to kick in."

Raj nodded again.

Amy left the lab and listened through the door as she heard the tune to Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" coming from inside. Near the end she took her cue and opened the door.

"You put your hands on me, in my skintight jeans, I'll be yo-" He stopped the minute he saw Amy.

Amy sighed. "Okay, so it hasn't kicked in yet. Continue singing your songs about the dreams of hormonal adolescents."

She exited. The song switched to "Oops I Did it Again" and Amy noted that Raj wasn't that bad of a singer.

She came in again at the end.

"Oops you think I'm love; that I'm sent from above," he sang. He saw Amy. "I'm not that innocent." He smiled. "It works!"

Amy nodded. "I'm glad it has actually worked this time." She grabbed her clipboard. "Now are you feeling any nausea?"

"No."

"Dizziness or drowsiness?"

"No."

"Muscle pains?"

"No."

"Homicidal tendencies?"

Raj looked at her, astounded. "Homicidal tendencies?"

"It's one of the potential side effects. This medication has not been fully approved by the FDA."

"Oh," Raj said, nodding. "Then, no."

Amy set her clipboard down. "Just take two a day. They should last 8-12 hours. I suggest we meet again on Wednesday at the same time we did today for an update."

"Awesome," Raj said. "I can speak to women. This is great!"

Amy was going to walk over to him and say that he best not drink any alcohol at all this week when she proceeded to slip on the floor, pulling down a tray of beakers with her.

"Ow," she mumbled. "The janitors really have to change their polisher." There was a long cut on her leg that was beginning to bleed. "That isn't pretty."

Raj had never really helped a woman in need before. He didn't have any comforting words to say or the ability to ask for what they needed. He would usually call upon another guy to help. However, he could speak now. So he bent down to help her. "Here, let me get you up," he said.

"I'm okay here."

It was then that Sheldon was walking down the hallway to check up on Amy. He still felt uneasy with the idea that she was alone with a man like Raj.

He stopped at the door to knock when he heard voices inside.

"Does it hurt?" Raj asked.

There was a grunt. "Yeah, a little. It's very big."

"Do you want to get on the table?" Raj asked.

"No, of course not. That is highly unsanitary. I'd rather be on the floor."

"If you say so. Let me do something to help. It's funny; I've never been in this position before." Inside, Raj grabbed a paper towel and began to dab the wound. Amy moaned in pain.

On the outside, Sheldon only heard a series of grunts. He huffed and proceeded to bust into the room.

"Amy Farrah Fowler, you are my girlfriend and are not allowed to be engaging in coitus with another man! I will not allow the woman I love to be mixing with other males. And I-" He stopped when he saw Raj tending to Amy's leg around an area of broken glass.

"Oh," he said, calming down and feeling slightly embarrassed. He looked her leg a little closer. "That's a lot of blood."

He fainted.

**#**

**I've noticed a bit of a slow-down in reviews. I would just love to here your opinions on my writing. I'm going through a small period of doubt right now and it would help a lot to press that brand-spanking-new review button.**

**-ZG**


	22. The Chemical Reciprocation

**Hello babies! I love your wonderful reviews. This chapter was hard for me to write, as it had some new stuff I've never written before. I hope you like it!**

**-ZG**

**#**

_Did he really just say 'the woman I love'?_

That was all Amy thought while she helped Sheldon into her car. He was conscious, but just barely. He kept mumbling about not wanting to go to Bible Camp.

Raj thanked Amy for the medication and promised to see her Wednesday. Amy reciprocated the gratitude for getting a rather large Sheldon Cooper into her backseat and quickly bandaging her leg. They parted ways and soon enough she was driving to 2311 Los Robles in contempt and awe.

Her contempt was for Sheldon's rashness. How on earth could he think she was engaging in intercourse with Raj? She had already reassured him that she would not do such a thing for a multitude of reasons. After all, Raj was a friend and Sheldon was her boyfriend. Each position held different responsibilities and she followed those responsibilities as so. And there was no way she was going to mess up after sex had been put on the table.

Her awe was for his words. He said he loved her, and it made her insides feel bubbly. She had known for a while that, although she had previously believed love and romance to be pure hokum, she loved him back. It had been clear as day since her aunt's party. She couldn't (and wouldn't) give up on him, even if he acted like a jerk, and this event was no exception.

She heard him stir behind her. As she came to a stoplight she turned around to see Sheldon rubbing his eyes and yawning.

"Mommy?" he asked, still a little dazed.

"No, it's Amy," she answered.

Sheldon squinted and focused a little bit. "Oh, hello Amy. Can I ask you what I'm doing in your car?"

"You most certainly _can_, as you have the speech patterns embedded in your brains and the vocal chords to carry them out," she told him. "But if you are asking for permission, you may."

"I apologize. I become grammatically incorrect when awakening for unconsciousness." He shifted so that he was sitting straight up. "The light is green."

Amy turned around. "Oh!" She started driving.

"So why exactly am I in your car?"

"Well, after your impulsive rage and passing out at the sight of my blood, Raj helped me get you inside. We are currently driving back to your apartment."

"It was not impulsive," Sheldon defended. "From the information I had gathered whilst outside the door it sounded as if you two were engaging in coitus."

"Well I'm sorry you thought that way. But obviously that was not the case. Raj was merely tending to my leg wound."

"I know that now," he scoffed.

"Then again, I found your rage quite amusing. You seem more open to your emotions when in a rage." Amy smiled. She knew she had to bring up the topic of his speech at once. Otherwise he would choose to ignore it altogether.

"I apologize for that. I'll keep myself in control should a situation like that should happen again."

"No, don't. I happened to like it."

"Well, I surely did not." He looked out the window, crossing his arms.

"My favorite part had to be your declaration of love," Amy told him.

She watched out of the rear view mirror as Sheldon's eyes got wide and mouth shut in surprise. His mouth twisted to one side and then returned to normal, and she knew she had him. It was a look of defeat and realization. She had only seen this before on their dinner date when she had tempted him with his special spaghetti and his apology in her lab.

"I-I…I…" he stuttered.

Sheldon could remember saying the words. He hadn't known where they had come from, but they had been there nonetheless. Again, he felt the mixture of emotions he had experienced when Amy had kissed him on their movie night. Frightening. Amazing. Devastating. Wonderful. It all split halfway. So he looked up at her and just stayed silent. What he feared was her reaction.

"It's okay," Amy reassured. "It's obviously too much for you to handle. However, if it makes you feel any better…" She took a deep breath. "I love you, too."

"W-Well," he stuttered. "That's, um," He swallowed, "nice to hear."

Any other woman would've been insulted by that comment. But this was Sheldon, and this was probably the best he could utter under all those emotions.

Amy saw the apartment building on the side of the road and stopped.

"Here you are," she said happily. She turned back over to him. "Goodbye, Sheldon. I'll see you tomorrow."

Sheldon, silent, nodded and got out of the car.

_What an eventful day_, Amy thought, and pressed the gas pedal to get over to her apartment.

**#**

Sheldon and Amy maintained some contact in the week that followed. They would text each other and Skype here and there, but being in the physical presence of one another had not been reached. Sheldon needed time to process these things, and Amy understood. It made her week very boring, but she could manage.

He sat in his room, thinking. Usually it was about the fabric of the space-time continuum or the intricacies of black holes, but at the moment he was thinking about his declaration of love. It had been a slip-up. He knew he might have loved her, and now that he had said it he was certain. But he never wanted her to know.

Now she would be telling Penny and Bernadette, who would then tell their male counterparts, and soon everyone would know. And he would be seen a hypocrite. He could imagine Kripke taunting him. He should've never said a word.

So why was he so happy?

Perhaps it was the release of emotions weighing down on him. For once, they had flowed easily and freely. Or maybe it was the fact that she reciprocated such feelings. After all, when she had stated, "I love you, too", his tachycardia acted up again. His palms got sweaty. And he felt this overwhelming need to smile like a fool.

Sheldon knew what love was. He had read the definition multiple times, scientific and spiritual. He had love for his family, of course. No matter how unintelligent his siblings were, he had a premonition he would be distraught should they disappear from his life. His father's death, though he hadn't been in Sheldon's life very much to begin with, had affected him in some way. And certainly for his mother and Meemaw, who always tried their best to understand him. They hadn't succeeded in the long run, but their effort was exceptional. In fact, before Amy, they were the only people who understood his way of thinking.

He understood platonic love. Having Leonard removed from his daily routine would be greatly disheartening. He enjoyed his presence. Leonard didn't treat him like a freak of nature like his classmates used to, though he jabbed at him from time to time. Raj never acted harshly towards him, always lending out help in a time of need. Even Wolowitz was in the realm of the platonic. He could be very humorous and now that he had entered a committed relationship had eased up on Sheldon. In fact, it was because of him and Raj that Sheldon had met Amy. And Penny was in the realm, too. She had been his advocate in some ways, though she could never truly understand how he worked. She had some bad habits, of course, but she was the one to sing him "Soft Kitty" and give him advice.

However, when it came to romantic love, he became confused. It was similar to platonic love, but on a deeper level. Amy understood him, got how he worked, and never made fun of him for it. She shared his interests. Her dislikes were tolerable for some strange reason. In fact, they made great conversations and experiences. She pushed him, and he let her. She knew the weak spot in his defenses, and he knew hers just as well. He was interested in her life, who she was, and how she came to be that way. He took into account her physical qualities, though before intellectual beauty was where he found attraction. He had never felt that way for another person, and this whole experience was entirely new to grasp. Sheldon had always been a quick learner, but how romantic love worked was still hard to understand.

He sighed and looked at his whiteboard. He had worked out every single equation possible to see how he could deal with knowing this, but they had all failed him. After all, it was illegal to detonate a nuclear bomb in the basement of the apartment building.

Leonard and his other male comrades would never help. Wolowitz had the lessons (which he realized he never finished) against him already. Raj was just learning to talk in front of women, and Leonard had failed experiences when it came to love in general.

There was only one person to turn to. She had some experience, good and bad, with the topic of love. She had helped him in times of need.

He got up and exited his room, making his way across the apartment and out the door. His eyes set themselves on the bronze-colored "4B".

_Knock, knock, knock._ "Penny."

_Knock, knock, knock._ "Penny."

_Knock, knock, knock._ "Penny."

Penny opened up the door in sweatpants and a t-shirt.

"What's the draft, Mr. Giraffe?" she asked, cheery.

Sheldon looked at her in haughty derision. "I find your need to rhyme conversation openers with unrelated objects for entertainment tedious," he confessed. "However, I do have a matter I need to discuss with you."

Penny smiled and waved her hand to her apartment. "Come on in. Would like something to eat?" She moved over to the kitchen.

Sheldon sat down. "No thank you. I'm not in the mood for one-month-old pickle juice and a leaky battery."

Penny glared at him, but continued making a glass of water for herself. "So what did you want to talk about?"

Sheldon glanced around as she placed herself on the couch. He took in a deep breath. "Let's play a game. I am going to state a situation to you. It is merely hypothetical, but you must give advice to the situation in order. We will switch roles until this grows tiring and we give up."

She gave him her 'whack-a-doodle' look. "Umm…okay? How about you start."

Sheldon nodded. "Good." He shifted in his spot. "Hypothetically, if one was in a relationship and announced a feeling of love towards their partner, and the partner reciprocated, how would the relationship move from that point?"

Penny's eyes widened. "Uh, wow. This is a toughie. I don't really have the best advice, sweetie. I mean, the only time had a man tell me he loved me was Leonard and we all know how that turned out."

Sheldon nodded in acknowledgement. "Yes, I realize your inexperience in this matter is lacking, but it is exceeding compared to mine in this situation I'm experiencing—or the situation one is experiencing, if I may correct myself."

Penny caught on and nodded also. "Okay, I'll try. First off, I would suggest to _one_ that they shouldn't run away like I did, because it is a huge mistake. Saying the big three is a huge step, and it means that things might have to change."

"Change? But I—one—cannot change anymore!" He started looking panicked.

"It just means that there the two people are on-oh, what's the word-the same plane of the relationship, sweetie. You both love each other and have strong feelings for each other. I would say to _one_ that the relationship should keep going along smoothly, but there will be a stronger emotional bond and they will have to adapt to it."

"I see," Sheldon sighed. He paused for a little, taking the advice in.

"So is it my turn?" Penny asked.

"No, I find this game tedious now. I must be off." He got up and headed towards the door.

"Okay. Tell Amy I said hi," Penny suggested with a smile.

Sheldon turned around ,glared at her, and made his way back into his apartment.

"Drat," he thought aloud. "I thought that was foolproof."

**#**

Amy wasn't mad. How could she be? The man of her dreams titled her as the woman he loved. Sure, it was from a burst of emotion, and rage at that. But the sentiment was there: he loved her, and she loved him.

So this time when Sheldon knocked on her door, she wasn't the slightest bit pissed. Getting up from her seat she realized that through this past month Sheldon had only really come over so that they could make up. _How odd_, she thought.

She opened up the door. "Come on in," she said enthusiastically.

Sheldon, uncharacteristically silent, stepped in and looked around nervously.

She frowned. "Is something wrong?"

Sheldon shook his head, but didn't speak.

Amy sighed. "Take a seat. We obviously need to talk."

His eyes got wide, but he complied anyways.

Amy sat next to him and looked at him. "I know that my declaration of love to you might be a little overwhelming to you. So let me reassure you that your deer-in-headlights expression is perfectly normal."

He frowned.

"But I need to know why you are here," she told him.

Sheldon cleared his throat and twiddled his thumbs nervously. "It comes to my attention that _my _declaration was not in logical mind."

Amy nodded. "Yes, I can see that. After all, you thought I was engaging in intercourse with Raj."

"My argument states my reasoning…but yes, I thought that way," he admitted. "So, after some time thinking with a logical mind not filled with primal thoughts, I've come to a conclusion that will clear up this brouhaha."

"Clear it up? I thought it was quite clear already," Amy defended.

"Well, more for myself than you."

Amy looked down. "So what do wish to say to clear up this quote-unquote 'brouhaha'?"

Sheldon looked in front of himself rather than her. "I came to say that I reciprocate a feeling produced by a mixture of adrenaline, dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and vasopressin. However, this does not change the present implementations of the Relationship Agreement nor does it not state that this annunciation of such feeling is not a regular occurrence."

"I'm glad you said so," Amy said. "Now try it without the quadruple negative."

He glared at her, but she kept her stance. "Fine; I do not wish to change the status of our relationship, but I…" He sighed. Why oh why did she make him do these things? "…I love you, Amy Farrah Fowler."

Amy smiled. "And I reciprocate to the fullest extent."

Sheldon shuffled nervously. "So, since you are more engaged in the social sciences than I…where do we necessarily go from here?"

"I suggest that we continue as planned, but with the component of stating the release of such chemicals in public and in private to each other," she proposed.

"I do not agree," he said.

Amy tilted her head, confused. "Why?"

"Since we both know it seems unnecessary to repeat the obvious," he explained. "Besides, our circle of friends has no right to know."

"Oh yes they do," Amy countered. "A declaration of love would further stymie any attempts by both the females and the males of the circle to tempt us into infidelity. The announcement of love would make me even more 'unavailable', as the dating world says."

He nodded, agreeing. "I see. But why say it to each other if we already know such information?"

"It is nice to have reassurance," Amy confessed. "After all, how do I know that at this moment the flow of chemicals have ceased and you no longer love me?"

He looked perplexed. "That is preposterous Amy. Of course I still love you. It would be a medical anomaly should such chemicals suddenly stop."

"But who knows weeks or months from now? It is a simple update on if the flow of chemicals is still taking place."

"It seems a little redundant, but I see your point. So nothing changes? Just a simple declaration?"

"Well, emotionally we shall be more attached…"

He grimaced.

"But according to my research the most drastic change has already happened. Obviously, after our mutual declaration we feel a difference in our emotions."

He paused, thinking. She was right, something did feel different. Nothing physical, he knew, but there was great sense of…relief? How odd.

"I observe a change in emotions, yes," Sheldon said.

"Good, and in the physical sense everything that has been anticipated is staying the same."

"Good. Though I didn't think we could go any farther in that category as of late."

"Noted," Amy acknowledged.

There was a long silence, and they were just staring at off at other things and occasionally the other person. Sheldon twiddled his thumbs a little more.

"I would expect myself to be leaving at this point," he admitted. "However, it seems my baser urges are telling me some sort of physical action should take place as to seal this step forward in the relationship."

"I accept that proposal. May I suggest cuddling or making out?" she asked.

"Cuddling, to me, seems to not have the importance held in this mutual declaration of love," Sheldon told her. "However, the idea of long-term kissing, or making out as you say, along with a repeat of my actions on our last date night seems sufficient." He shrugged.

Amy smirked. "Sheldon Cooper you are turning into quite the horn-dog."

He rolled his eyes. "Don't remind me. The idea of losing an I.Q. point every time I touch your breasts is very daunting."

"Don't think of it that way. Einstein had a rather exciting sex life and he gave us the fabric of space-time. Marie Curie had Pierre, and who knows what they did while they weren't discovering radium."

Sheldon nodded. "Dually noted." He looked over to her. "So…"

Amy rolled her eyes. "You are going to have to start initiating sooner or later," she reminded him. Despite this, she firmly pressed her lips against his and he returned the sentiment. He pulled away.

"As a reminder," he said, "I must say that I love you."

Amy smiled. "Thank you. As an act of reciprocation, I love you, too."

She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him down with her so that he was on top. In all honesty this was the first time she had been on the bottom of their two-person sandwich. She cursed her jean skirt as it made wrapping herself around him very difficult. However, he didn't seem to mind.

Neither did that symptom, either.

He stopped suddenly, blushing.

"Get used to it," Amy ordered him. "And don't even think about running out again."

Sheldon sighed. "Alright."

They resumed their activities. He cautiously moved away from her back and to his new favorite place. He was really beginning to like it there. It was soft and comforting and nothing was bad about it. He lightly squeezed it, anxious for her reaction.

_Why are you doing this? _Logic asked.

_It's merely scientific curiosity,_ his mysterious new side defended.

Meanwhile Amy, surprised, was suddenly revisited by a certain alien parasite. It had been showing up a couple times lately, now more than ever.

Her "hoo" was stifled by her trapped lips and turned into a moan.

Sheldon smiled in victory, adding it in a mental list of what made her tick.

It went like this for a good five minutes. By then they were both in need of air and sat up, separated from each other temporarily.

"Lost any I.Q. points?" she asked, regaining her breath. She straightened out her hair.

Sheldon thought for a little. "I'm fairly certain I'm still at 187." He smiled.

She returned the smile. "Good to know."

**#**

**D'awww! Yes, it got a little hot and fluffy in here. I'm hereby changing this fic into an M rating, because who knows what will happen next? I don't even know ;)**

**(yes that was a creepy wink. Just upping the sexual tension!)**

**Anyways, as my favorite author would say: Long Live The Shamy!**

**-ZG**


	23. The Home on the Range Complex

**Hey guys! Next chapter is here! I think you might like this one…just saying.**

**-ZG**

**#**

"So hey, uh, guys?" Howard said. He cut through the chit-chat going on throughout the circle of friends: Sheldon and Penny about the latter's Wi-Fi use, Bernadette and Amy about bridesmaid dresses, and Leonard and Raj about the kinky undertones of Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth. "Me and Bernadette have something to tell you."

"_Bernadette and I_, Wolowitz," Sheldon corrected. "But continue."

Howard shook his head. "Anyways, as you know, my launch date got moved up to this coming Friday, which intercedes with our wedding on Sunday."

The whole group nodded in agreement.

"Bernie and I were going to reschedule the wedding to happen after I get back from space…" He paused and looked around. "…but-"

"We're getting married tomorrow night!" Bernadette exclaimed.

Penny blinked her eyes rapidly. "What? When did this happen?"

"Last night," she answered. She had a wide grin on her face.

"We're going to do something simple. A small chapel just outside of town does quick weddings," Howard explained. "We're going to do the whole reception after I get back from space, but we'd like you guys to be there for the service tomorrow. It won't be anything big; you don't even have to dress up. We just want you all to be there."

"No, no, no!" Amy cried as she bolted from her seat. "This is not the wedding I pictured. I wanted to be going down the aisle to a string quartet rendition of 'The Way You Look Tonight' in a prestigious church with rose petals on the ground and my escort by my side!"

"You can do that at the reception, Amy," Bernadette pointed out, sounding a little scared by Amy's exclamation.

"Well can I still wear my dress and tiara?" she asked.

"I don't know, it isn't going to be too formal-"

"Oh, just stab me in the heart, will ya!" Amy flopped back down onto the couch.

"Fine, you can wear the dress," Howard consented.

Amy looked up, pleased.

"Funny," Leonard whispered quietly to Penny. "There's another way she's just like Sheldon."

Penny frowned and faced him. "And what's that?"

"They both have to get their way."

**#**

Amy looked upon the sight in giddiness. Bernadette and Howard were in their wedding garb in front of an old pastor who was reciting Bible verses at the rate of a Speak and Spell. She stood next to Sheldon, who had decided to wear his suit as for it to not go to waste, and smiled like a patient at a mental institution.

"Do you both have the rings?" the pastor asked.

Bernadette nodded to Amy and Howard nodded to Raj. The two came up with the dainty golden bands in their grasp and handed them to the bride and groom.

The couple exchanged their vows and slipped on the rings.

"By the power invested in me and by the state of California, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Howard Wolowitz," the pastor proclaimed. "You may kiss the bride."

Howard leaned in and kissed Bernadette. The whole group clapped and cheered. From the corner speakers played the stereotypical wedding tune and the newlyweds rushed back down the aisle and towards their friends.

"Congratulations!" Leonard said. "I know it isn't a limo to a hotel or anything, but how about we drive over the Cheesecake Factory for drinks?"

Bernadette nodded. "Okay." She looked over at Pasadena's power couple. "You know you didn't have to dress up, Sheldon."

"I had planned to make use of this suit, and so I shall," Sheldon explained. "After all, I must say I look quite dashing in it. I could be compared to the Flash about to get married."

"Oh, I wouldn't say that," Amy said. "I would compare you more to a Calvin Klein model on a photo shoot."

Sheldon looked over to Amy, waved his hand, and blushed.

Penny rolled her eyes. "Anyways…let's go! Brandy's on duty and she makes a great cosmopolitan."

"Brandy?" Amy asked. She looked over to Sheldon. "What an unlikely occurrence."

"I agree," he nodded.

**#**

"Oh, look," Brandy said as the group approached the bar. "It's my favorite couple, Tall Guy and Glasses."

Penny looked, confused, over to Sheldon and Amy.

"She served us on the night you weren't working," Sheldon explained. "And she did a horrible job."

Brandy smirked. "Yeah, yeah. I see that we're here for a special occasion?" She eyes Bernadette and Howard. "You aren't doing a shotgun wedding, are ya? Trust me, honey, it isn't worth it. He says he'll give you the world but he'll really just get you a ring with a plastic diamond saying that it's light because it's a 'special alloy'." She cleaned a shot glass.

"Oh, it's not a shotgun wedding," Bernadette told her. "He's just launching into space earlier than we thought so we did the wedding now instead of after he comes back."

"Wow, I haven't heard that one before!" Brandy acknowledged.

"It's true," Howard reassured. "I'm going up in a Soyuz capsule this Friday."

The whole group nodded in agreement.

Brandy raised her eyebrows. "Huh. You're serious." She put down the shot glass. "So what can I do you for?"

"Just some celebratory drinks on me," Howard cheerfully answered. "Have as much as you like!"

"Oh, you don't have to do that," Penny told him. She then turned to Brandy. "I'll take an apple martini."

Soon everyone else was drinking but Sheldon. Amy held a lemon margarita in her hand, sitting on a bar stool next to Sheldon, who was standing, and looked very uncomfortable.

Amy saw this and poked him He acknowledged her, a little surprised by the gesture of forcing one's finger onto the skin of another. "Why don't you have a glass of something?" she asked. "After all, this is a special occasion."

"I see no reason to inebriate myself," Sheldon answered.

Amy set her margarita down. "Look before you. Is this not a happy time of celebration where everyone else is drinking?"

"Well of course it is," he responded incredulously.

"Then what would social convention dictate?"

He thought a minute and sighed. "That I join in," he answered in an exasperated tone. He knew he had been defeated. _The vixen_, he thought.

Amy smiled. "Exactly." She called over Brandy. "Can I get a Cuba Libre?"

Brandy grinned. "Anything for you, Glasses."

She came back with the cocktail and handed it to Sheldon. He took a sip and grimaced.

"That's icky," he commented.

Amy nudged him. "Come on, you need to loosen up. After all the music is rocking, the people are dancing, and their faces are smiling. Doesn't it look nice?"

"No," he said. "It looks like an STD-infested hippie orgy gone wild."

"It'll taste better the second sip," she reassured. "You're just not used to the alcohol."

He shook his head, but did as she told him too. "Mmmm!" he pronounced. "It seems you were right, Amy. This does taste wonderful." He took another sip. He peered over. "Is that a piano?"

Amy frowned. "I believe so. Why?"

He went over to the instrument, drink in hand, and settled on the stool. "I took lessons to keep my mind working while I wasn't concentrated on physics." He took another sip and cracked his knuckles.

"Are you planning to play tonight?" Amy asked.

"Of course," he answered. He placed his fingers over the keys and started playing the keyboard. It was a cheerful tune, sporadic and folksy.

"_Oh, home on range!_" he sang. "_Where the deer and the antelope play. Where seldom is heard, a discouraging word, and the skies are not cloudy all day!_"

Amy giggled. Sheldon continued to sing.

After the manager told Sheldon to stop after five renditions of _Home on the Range_ and _Summer Nights_, Leonard agreed to drive them both back to 2311 Los Robles and return to the Cheesecake Factory.

"I must remind myself for future references that you become easily intoxicated," Amy told him.

"Nah," he dismissed. "It's fun here. Everything is so happy and colorful."

Amy laughed at this. "Now you're exactly like a sexy toddler, what with the talcum powder and innocent phrases you're uttering."

"You look exquisite in that dress, Amy Farrah Fowler," he pointed out. He formed a devious smile on his lips. "However, I think you would look magnificent with it off instead."

Leonard cleared his throat. "I'm here, you know."

Amy nodded. "Yes, of course. Sheldon, if you are going to talk of sexual innuendo it should be in the confines of your apartment. Besides, you are intoxicated. We shouldn't do anything you'll hate me for."

"It's amazing how you can keep so level-minded," Sheldon complimented. "I find it a very appealing quality." His eyes widened. "Hey, you know what's a catchy tune?" He started clapping his hands at a rhythmic beat. "_'She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes! She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes! She'll be comin' round the mountain, she'll be-'_"

"Sheldon will you please be quiet? You've sung enough tonight," Leonard complained.

Sheldon stopped the clapping and stuck his tongue out at Leonard.

"Now don't be juvenile," Amy scolded. "We greater minds cannot act like children."

"Who says that?" he asked in a daze. He was smiling like an idiot. "I'm an accomplished physicist; I can do whatever I want."

She huffed. "Oh really?"

He looked over to her. "Yes. Like this." He leaned in and pressed his lips against hers. She moaned softly in surprise, and then protest. She pushed him away.

"No, not right now. Leonard's in the front."

"Thank you, Amy," Leonard gratefully replied.

"Besides, foreplay in the backseat isn't very romantic," she pointed out. "The couch or the bedroom sounds more appropriate, considering social norms."

Leonard sighed. _This is going to be a long car ride_, he thought.

"Please, Amy?" he begged, looking at her, eyes huge and mouth pouting.

She glanced over to Leonard. "Just act patiently. You're obviously too intoxicated for your brain to function normally."

"My brain power exceeds all others," he pointed out. "It can _so_ function normally at this rate."

Amy glared at him. "What's the measure of Coulomb's Constant?" she asked.

Sheldon paused. He then decided to answer with, "The stars are pretty, aren't they?"

Amy nodded. "I thought so."

Leonard dropped them off and they walked up the stairs. And by walking, Amy was keeping a swaying Sheldon steady and making sure he didn't trip on the stairs.

"Do you know what 'los robles' means?" he asked in a slur.

Amy shook her head and pushed him off of her when he started to lean in her direction. "No, I don't."

"It means 'the oaks'," he told her. "So, in actuality, we live at 2311 The Oaks." He laughed.

Amy furrowed her brows. "What's so funny?"

"The name sounds weird," he answered. They arrived at apartment 4A and he pulled out his keys, clumsily sticking them in the keyhole and opening the door. "Would you like a beverage?"

"No thank you," she declined. "However, you should get a glass of water to help flush the alcohol out of your system so you can sober up."

Sheldon waved his hand. "I will in a second." He threw his suit jacket onto his desk chair and started undoing his bow tie.

_He's just loosening up_, Amy reminded herself. _He's not stripping. Resist your urges, Fowler, resist your urges._

Then he started taking off his pants.

"Sheldon, may I ask what are you doing?" she asked in a strained voice.

Sheldon looked up at her. "It's getting too warm, and I've decided to prove my theory on dimensional thinking. See, I can move my pants around my body and therefore they come off." He got that devious smile again. "Perhaps, in order to fully prove my hypothesis, you should take off your dress for a backup trial."

Amy was fighting the 'hoo' that was begging to launch itself from her throat, but she gulped and shook her head. "No, Sheldon. Judging by your sober self you would never forgive both of us if we did anything tonight."

"My sober self is stupid," he muttered, sounding like he was giving up.

"Not so," she countered. "Your sober self is a highly regarded physicist at Caltech University. Your intoxicated self is horn-dog with a love for show tunes."

He started walking towards her. "Who says I can't be both? And to answer your question for earlier, Amy, Coulomb's Constant measures 9x109."

"Good, you're sobering up," she sighed.

"So does that give me the opportunity to, and I quote, 'kiss you where you've never been kissed before'?"

Amy bit her lip. "Seven minutes in heaven culminating into second base _only_. I don't want you throwing a temper tantrum at me in the morning."

He pouted.

Amy shook her head. "No more, no less. Take it or leave it." She crossed her arms.

He rolled his eyes. "Fine." He took out his phone and played around with it. "The timer is set for seven minutes, starting now."

Sheldon then continued by taking her shoulders and guiding her over to the couch. She sat in her spot with him standing tall in front of her.

"May I remind you I am one to hold grudges, and you evading me shall be one I intend to hold against you for a long time," he told her.

He was beginning to sound like sober Sheldon again, so Amy decided to play along. "Do your worst," she challenged.

He leaned in and kissed her, keeping his arms away for a couple of moments before taking her upper arms and shifting her towards his spot on the couch. Soon she was lying down and he was on top of her. Her dress was no pencil-skirted, so for once she could wrap her legs around him to pull him in closer.

She opened her mouth so that he could take the hint that she was ready move away from simple pecking. He understood and complied, and she moaned a little from how aggressive he was becoming. His hands had left her upper arms and were now finding their way under her dress, tickling her stomach and finding her bra.

Sheldon found himself comparing Amy's chest to his bedroom. It was a special place of comfort and softness, and all perfect in his eyes. Everything was orderly and in place, nothing too surprising. And they were made for him. Not Raj, not Leonard, not a charming male figure usually seen in romantic comedies. No, just for him.

His fingers sneaked their way under the wire of the strapless bra and decided to explore. He would squeeze one area, pinch another, and lightly brush a whole other section to see what made her vocal chords vibrate. He was enjoying this, making her feel wonderful.

_You should be worrying about the interworking complexities of the universe_, his logic chastised. _Not how to make your girlfriend squeal._

_Oh shut up_, he and his new side ordered in unison. For once they agreed on something: now was not the time for logic.

Amy was surprised at the creature Sheldon became when under the influence of alcohol. He was at a primal state of behavior with his sober mind still tugging him back when he went too far. He had a good sense of mind and concentration even when drunk, she realized. After all, there was full evidence in the way his hands decided to handle her breasts.

She moaned at some points, and made a sound of annoyance at others that just hurt. However, she found herself concentrating on the growing _something _coming from his pelvis area.

Amy was a scientist, and with that came curiosity. It wasn't like she hadn't seen or touched one before; it's just that they had usually been the ones of monkeys during evaluation before dissection. She couldn't help herself; she had to touch it…

Sheldon broke away from kissing her. "Oh, Dear Lord," he murmured. He then went back to kissing her.

Amy smiled against his lips, now finding a way to make him feel good. She continued to touch him and experiment like he did, eliciting many interesting noises. Meanwhile she let her other hand travel up his back to that particular point that seemed to hold the stress of his neck in a concentrated spot.

"Jeepers, woman," he praised. "Yes…yes…"

The timer on his phone went off.

Sheldon looked at the ringing device. "Oh, drat."

"The rules of seven minutes in heaven do dictate a precise time we must follow," Amy sighed.

He got up off of her and his eyelids started to flutter. "I must say, pre-coital foreplay is most exhausting," he yawned.

Amy yawned as well. "Agreed." She got up and straightened out her wrinkled dress. "Well, I must be off if I am to get home without dozing off on the road."

"Wait," Sheldon said. "You cannot leave. You ain't gonna be no harlot of Houston if I have anything to say about it." His Texan drawl was beginning to show up, and he started swaying again. Apparently the rush of endorphins brought on a new kind of intoxication along with the alcohol.

"Then what do you propose, as I have no sleepwear or any sanitary supplies for the morning?" she inquired.

"I have multiple toothbrushes in the bathroom is case something unfortunate was to happen to the one I'm currently using," he told her. "And I'm sure my jammies will fit you perfectly."

Amy raised an eyebrow. "Are you suggesting I sleep in your clothes?"

"Are you asking me to repeat the obvious, Amy-whamy?" he asked, showing a crooked smile.

"I just thought that you were against anyone using your clothing but you," she confessed.

"Well of course I am. But you are my girlfriend."

Amy nodded. "Alright, fine. I'll stay. But no more screwing around tonight, mister! You need your rest for the hangover you're going to have tomorrow."

Sheldon pouted, huffed, and went off into his room only to come out moment later with a matching pair of blue plaid pajamas.

"Here you go," he said. "I'll just sleep in these tonight. Suits are surprisingly very comfortable."

"Thank you," she said, and took them to go get changed in the bathroom. When she emerged the pajamas looked to be too big on her: not general size-wise but more of the length. She felt like a child again with pajama bottoms that pooled over her feet and sleeves that easily surpassed her hands.

"This flannel is very comforting," she told him.

"I thought so," he said. He yawned. "I'm invoking the cuddling section of the Relationship Agreement, specifically cuddling in bed."

"And what makes you applicable for such action to be committed?" Amy asked coyly with a smile on her face.

"I am intoxicated and sexually frustrated," he answered honestly. "I think that counts for great distress."

"I agree," Amy said. They made their way to the bedroom for a good night's sleep.

**#**

**So did I do well? Or did I monumentally screw up the sorta-sex scene?**

**Read and review! Chapter 24 is on its way. Be prepared for dress-shopping with Sheldon. :)**

**-ZG**


	24. The Enterprise Collision

**One month into the hiatus, and I've resorted myself to reruns and old tv shows. I don't own anything from Big Bang Theory, just so you know. And I probably never will. **

**-ZG**

**#**

Sheldon woke up feeling like the Enterprise had crash-landed onto his head. He moved it from side to side, blinking and groaning at the pain the slightest ruffle of a pillowcase was giving him. He started shifting a little, trying to figure out where his body was. He had only half of a recollection of the night, little parts forming like missing pieces of a puzzle.

His right arm was simply under the sheets, but it was touching bare skin. He was devoid of any pants, he realized. He was getting an odd sense of déjà vu. His top half was covered with a disheveled dress shirt, and he felt unnaturally sweaty. His left arm was holding something; something was attached to the entire left side of his body.

He looked down to see an equally disheveled Amy Farrah Fowler in the pajamas he was scheduled to wear the night before. Her glasses were on the bedside table, and her hair was not in its usually orderly manner.

He thought back to the night before. He had a couple drinks, sang the songs of his childhood, and then went home with his girlfriend in tow. He found himself intensely attracted to her and extremely keen on ignoring all his previous logic. He had kissed her willingly. He had initiated an act of intimacy and began—dare he say it—_flirting _with her. He wished to engage in coitus. Sure, he knew he had already wished to, but this time he openly expressed it.

They had gone to his apartment, and he remembered stripping his trousers and bargaining with her to do the same with her dress. Then they were engaging in the heated tongue-to-tongue exchanging of saliva, and he had gone back to the aptly-named "second base". She had decided to reciprocate the action by toying with the symptom in his pants. He was becoming quite enthusiastic, and then…

Nothing.

He jerked his arm away from Amy, sitting up and looking around.

"Oh, dear Lord," he thought aloud in a whisper. Then the full realization hit him. _He engaged in coitus with Amy Farrah Fowler while intoxicated._ "Oh, dear Lord!" he said again, this time yelling.

Amy stirred from beside him. She put on her glasses and sat up. "What's making you amplify your decibels to such a high rate?" she asked.

His head was pounding from both his exclamation and simply her voice. Never again would he drink alcohol, ever.

He looked over to her, and then back to his lap. "Oh dear LORD!"

Amy scooted closer to him, touching his arm to comfort him. He moved away, standing up and pacing furiously in his room, holding his hair in his hands.

"Sheldon, what has your hypothetical panties in a bundle?" she asked. She peered to his backside. "Because obviously the real ones aren't."

He glared at her. "Amy Farrah Fowler, I am in distress because we engaged in inebriated coitus last night!"

Amy raised an eyebrow. "Sheldon, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, no," he wailed. "There is the possibility that we didn't use protection. A child, dear Lord, _a child_. A pooping, squirming, snot-nosed child. Not now, it can't happen now. I'm on my way to proving string theory and I most _certainly_ won't be distracted by changing nappies and testing baby formula." He started pacing more erratically.

"Why would you think that I am possibly with child?" Amy asked. What had brought this panic attack on?

"Last night we were both in inebriated states and your vixen qualities and pale shoulders got the best of me," he explained. "In case you cannot remember, we were in a rather furious state of extreme togetherness when you decided to play with my Lincoln Logs! The rest I'm sure I can figure out as I have no further recollection of the events afterward."

Amy shook her head. "Sheldon, you may be a genius with an eidetic memory but this is a moment where both come to fail. _I_ was steadily more sober than you. Yes, you made advances, but I made sure to ward you off. We settled for a game of seven minutes in heaven. You proceeded to touch my breasts again. And I decided to return the favor with, and I quote, 'playing with your Lincoln Logs'. However, the timer rang soon after that and we never went any further. You gave me your pajamas and one of your spare toothbrushes and we went to sleep cuddling."

"That's…all we did?" he asked. In reality, he felt a little disappointed. The idea of introducing coitus was very daunting, and there was a small part of him that was glad he got it over with without passing out. Now that all seemed to be false.

Amy nodded.

Sheldon now realized how nauseous he had been feeling these past couple of minutes. He gulped. "Excuse me for a minute," he said, and rushed over to the bathroom.

After her timer, which had been set for one minute exactly, went off, Amy came out of the bedroom to search for Sheldon. She found him bowing to the toilet, a harsh noise erupting from inside the bowl.

She rushed to the medicine cabinet. It turns out he had been serious about being a hypochondriac. Every possible space was filled with all the pills, tablets, syrups, and chewable gummies of a medicinal kind known to man. She pulled out some Pepto Bismol and Advil, setting them on the counter. She took two tablets of the painkiller for her own hangover, but many a girl's night with Penny had taught her to hold her liquor.

"I am never, for the rest of my life, drinking a single milliliter of alcohol ever again," he announced in the toilet bowl. He continued to vomit for a good five minutes until Amy handed him the small cup of pink fluid and two tiny red pills. He took them gladly, and receded into his room to gather some clothes as a puke-stained dress shirt and Green Lantern briefs were not something to wear in the living room.

The apartment was empty, and from the text Sheldon got it seemed that Leonard took residence at Penny's place for the night. They had a nice, quiet breakfast and they watched another episode of Doctor Who.

"I must say that you have gotten me very interested in this series," Amy told him, munching on her high-fiber cereal. "The relationship between the Doctor and River Song is quite interesting."

"I agree," he said. "I always thought about wearing a fez."

"Why?"

He shrugged. "A little whimsy, I guess. Besides, I think I would look quite dashing in one if I do say so myself."

Amy smiled. "And that is why your idiosyncrasies and way of thinking is a primary reason of why I love you," she gleefully told him.

Sheldon was still shocked by those words. They always sent the same tingle through his body, like he had just been shocked by a light socket. It was still hard to comprehend her saying that, mostly because he was in awe in how much emotion she was capable of encasing in three small words. And his awe multiplied when he realized he could do the exact same thing.

"And your appreciation instead of annoyance is why I love you," he replied. He felt weird, with all this lovey-dovey stuff. But it was nice.

He checked the time. "If you are wishing to have a productive day ahead of you I would suggest that you start changing into some reasonable clothing."

"I have nothing to change into."

"Not so. Penny's multiple visits here has made it so that some of her clothing finds its way into our laundry baskets. I'm sure there is something you could wear."

Amy shook her head. "Oh, no. How can I match up wearing the clothes once worn by a goddess?"

"I've said before, your features are aesthetically pleasing. Now go get dressed. At the moment a braless Amy in the apartment does not sound as appealing as it usually should."

She sighed. "Fine." She came back ten minutes later in a tracksuit with the pajamas folded in her hands. "Do you wish to have these back?" she asked, presenting them to him.

"Keep them," he dismissed, waving his hand. "There is a sale at Target this week, I can replace them easily."

"Thank you," she said, placing the nightwear in her purse. "I best be off, then."

"Well then, salutations," he said. "Be sure to Skype me later tonight."

"Alright then," Amy said. She opened the doorway and stood there for a second, contemplating what to say. "I must remind you that I love you."

"Though it was stated fairly recently, I feel obligated that I say I love you, too," he replied.

Amy nodded and then left.

Then and there Sheldon decided that those words would never get old.

**#**

"Sheldon, I would like to inform that in a week's time there shall be a celebration of my uncle's birthday," Amy said to her computer screen, which at the moment played a live video stream of Sheldon Cooper's face. "My mother will be there."

Sheldon frowned. "And how is this of any relevance to our previous topic of the properties of spinal fluid?" he asked, curious.

Amy sighed. "I am inviting you to the party, as I need an escort and my family has not yet seem you in the flesh," she explained.

"I see," Sheldon said. "Did you update yourself on the suggested vaccinations and whatnot?"

"Of course. It's still none."

He nodded. "Good. And it should be much easier to speak to your mother now that ruse of us being in a relationship is actually true," he commented.

"Agreed," she said. She frowned. "However, she does think us to be sexually active. I recall you stating us to be in a simile with 'wild animals in heat'."

He gasped. "You're right! And as we all know the social stereotype of a sexually active couple is a couple that gropes each other like they're stress reliever toys." He shook his head. "I could never perpetrate such a ruse in front of your family, it would be not gentlemanlike."

"Good on you for respecting my womanhood," she thanked. "I believe that we shall tell her that you have a cold, therefore you have no need to incessantly touch me or my mother family members."

"Yes, but what if she asks me how I got the cold?" he asked.

"You say you got it from one of your colleagues at work. That is usually how the transmission of pathogens occurs," she answered.

"What if she asks which colleague?" he asked worriedly.

"I'm sure she won't. My mother isn't a very inquisitive woman when it comes to things other than people's relationships."

"That surely is nice to know."

"Anyways, you must dress nice for the occasion, so I would suggest you go less for Superman and more for Clark Kent," Amy informed him. She shifted uncomfortably. "I would also like for you to come dress shopping with me tomorrow."

Sheldon's face twisted to a grimace. "Do I have to remind myself of the traumatizing experience that occurred the _last time_ I had to go dress shopping with a woman?"

Amy nodded. "But you met Stephen Hawking! And don't have the same bodily mass of a seaweed-stuffed manatee."

"Can't you have Penny come along with you?" he asked.

"She will be busy working all day; meanwhile you will be leaving work around approximately 3:00 in the afternoon. And I am in need of a critic for the apparel I shall wear at the party. You seemed like the practical choice."

He sighed. "Fine, I'll do it. But we must only go for two hours, no more. My bowel schedule calls for me eating my dinner before Warehouse 13 comes on."

Amy nodded. "I'll comply with that. We shall venture over to the local shopping center immediately after work."

Sheldon nodded. "But if I experience anything mentally scarring it is on you."

**#**

"I believe this one would compliment me graciously," Amy thought aloud as she studied the dress she had pulled off the hanger. She looked over to Sheldon. "Do you believe this as well?"

"As I am neither a woman nor Raj I cannot give a helpful answer," Sheldon told her.

Amy shrugged. "I guess I'll try it on so that the probability of finding a good dress becomes higher."

Sheldon was shocked. "Amy, you have ten dresses to try on already!" he pointed out. "To quote the Hunger Games, the odds are in your favor!"

"Isn't it, 'and may the odds be ever in your favor'?" Amy asked.

"Yes, but a variation of it works well in this context," he replied. He shook his head. "But we are off topic. You have enough dresses to try on and we only have an hour left before dinner. I have no idea why you have this drive to, as they say, 'shop 'til you drop'."

Amy plucked the dress off of the rack and placed in her arm, which was currently holding the other dresses she had picked out. "Sheldon, the estrogen-ridden female brain has been continuously beaten with a stereotype of loving to pick out a new wardrobe. Usually I would be resistant to such stereotype, but you have to admit those shoes over there are adorable." She pointed towards the corner of the store that held a pair of red pumps on a pedestal.

"I see no value in such footwear. It will only cause pain and a flattering of certain female body parts. Certainly an unpractical choice. I would go for tennis shoes or loafers, as those are easily adaptable and have good arch support."

Amy glared at him. "Fine. Let's go over to the changing rooms. There you can judge me in these garments."

"Oh, joy," he exclaimed sarcastically.

He sat on one of the germ-infested couches in the fitting area while Amy got on her dress.

"It should not take ten minutes to slip into a single piece of cloth," Sheldon muttered, looking at his pocket watch with impatience.

Amy finally came out in a modest blue dress with cap sleeves and a pencil skirt. The neckline was square and didn't show much.

"As I recall that was the third dress you picked out," he pointed out as he saw her walk towards him. "What happened to the first two dresses?"

"They were eliminated as potential candidates," she explained. "In the first one I found the top not hugging my bosom correctly, and in the second I could liken myself to a sausage in a tube."

"Well, the dress does flatter your features well," he commented. "It is pleasing to the eye, and does not come across as offensive. It's alright."

"Only alright?" she asked.

"I haven't seen your other possible candidates, so I cannot give a definite answer," he reassured her.

Amy nodded. "Okay. I'll be back." She rushed into the fitting room and emerged after another ten minutes.

"I suppose dress four, five, and six were not so pleasing?" Sheldon guessed, squirming on the couch. He would have to burn these pants. What a shame.

"Not at all, unfortunately. However, I find this red sundress very flattering."

He looked at it. It had short sleeves and came down to her knees. Around her waist was a thin brown belt.

"I've taken it into account," he informed her. "You may change into your next candidate."

Amy nodded and scurried back into the dressing room. It was after five minutes Sheldon heard the door creak open slightly.

"Sheldon," Amy said timidly. "Could you please come over here?"

He got up, concerned. Had she received bad news? Was there was bobcat hidden in the walls?

"I can't get my zipper up," she told him.

He rolled his eyes. "Is that why you brought me over? I'm sure it won't affect how you look in the dress, and you can have an assistant help you."

"I took that into account. However, it seems I'm falling out of this dress as Penny might say. Would you rather have some strange man sees a quarter of my breasts?"

Sheldon huffed. That vixen. "Fine. Turn around, I'll help you."

Amy complied. Sheldon suddenly felt that good-for-nothing illness show up again when he saw her bare shoulder and the clasp of the zebra-print brassiere she had decided to put on that day. He hesitantly took hold of her zipper and slid it up, pushing the illness-inducing image behind the cloth. He sighed as the zipper reached the top and settled there.

Then Amy turned around.

It was a simple peachy-orange dress with thick straps and an A-line skirt that reached a little above her knees. It had a black sash-like band of cloth to accentuate her waistline, and it hugged her very nicely.

His symptoms returned again. He was speechless, which was illogical. How could a simple wardrobe change do this? It was still her, just a little bit more of her than shown previous. He gulped, trying to suppress a growing sound set deep in his throat.

What sorcery was this?

"Is it pleasing to the eye?" Amy asked. "Would you like me to twirl, as to get a full view from all 360 degrees?"

"Sure," he squeaked.

She looked at him funny, and then proceeded to get on her tiptoes and twirl once around.

"I feel like a princess," she blurted, and then covered her mouth. "A Disney princess, not an actual medieval princess."

"Of course," he said. Did the manager suddenly turn up the thermostat? He felt very warm all of a sudden.

"So is it pleasing to the eye?" she asked.

_Calm yourself, Cooper_, Logic ordered. _You must learn control._

_Screw control_, his new side dismissed. _You know what you want to do. Go do it._

_But it's a changing room! It's full of skin cells and bacteria. No, no activities shall take place in that hellhole._

_Yes, but it also will contain a very stunning Amy Farrah Fowler._

_What if you get caught?_

_The staff isn't paying much attention; they're too busy with their coat hangers._

_I am highly against this._

_But…?_

Sheldon swore he could hear a sigh. _Just this once I'll give in. But you must listen to me a little bit from now on! I deserve respect._

_Yes, Mr. Prissy-pants. _The new side directed itself to Sheldon. _Now go get 'em, Poindexter._

Sheldon nodded. "I would suggest that you get into the changing room."

Amy looked puzzled. "Why? We still have a half an hour left."

"Just…please get in, Amy."

"O…Okay," she said unsurely. She got in and Sheldon followed right behind her, looking around to see if no one was watching and then closing the door.

Amy whipped around at the sound of the door closing.

"Sheldon, what are you doing in here?" she asked in a whisper.

"Relieving my baser urges," he explained simply. "Kohlinar had decided to be stubborn today."

"Relieving your baser ur—?" She was stopped suddenly by his lips on her mouth. He pulled away after a couple seconds. "Oh, okay. Yeah.

He kissed her again and she had to get on her tiptoes to reach him. She had her arms around him, and he was taking a step forward. She moved with him and took a step back. He was frantically searching for something to touch, he didn't know what. Her stomach? No. Her shoulders? He settled by wrapping his arms around her back. He continued to walk forward as he kept losing his balance. She kept complying. Sheldon took one more step and Amy hit the wall of the changing room, a hook poking itself violently into her back.

"Ow," she moaned. Sheldon didn't hear her and continued to press her against it. "Sheldon, please get yourself off of me."

He frowned and retreated. Had he done something wrong? Did he invoke an old wound?

_I informed you thusly_, Logic taunted.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I hit a hook with my back," she explained. "I think we should stop our activities at the moment. Besides, you violated the Relationship Agreement."

"True," he sighed. "I'll leave you be. By the way, that dress _is_ very pleasing to the eye. I suggest that you purchase it." He walked out of the dressing room, and suddenly all eyes were on him. The woman in the changing area glared at him, shocked. He felt like a criminal exiting a courthouse.

"She had a problem with her zipper," he defended. "Dear Lord, get your mind out of the gutter."

**#**

**Up next, the party and a little surprise for y'all. (Smiles maniacally). I'll update sometime this week.**

**-ZG**


	25. The Ice Cream Compromise

**Wow, guys. 200 reviews! I feel so flattered :) Thank you, Theophilus Rex (I hoped I spelled that right) for being my 200th review. Look at how far we've gotten! So, as a celebration for my 25th chapter and 200 reviews, I got a HUGE milestone in here for y'all. I hope you enjoy it!**

**-ZG**

**#**

Amy and Sheldon could agree that the day of the party didn't go as planned. In fact, it veered straight off the road they thought the day would take and into the ambiguous metaphorical desert…but more on that later.

They approached the door to Amy's mother's house. Amy wore the dress she called "a man-magnet", and Sheldon fidgeted in his suit, the brown plaid one he had worn during the Fun with No Flags occurrence, sans the dress shirt for his 73 tee.

"Sheldon, stop acting as if your outfit is infested with fleas," Amy ordered.

"I can't," he defended. "I'm about to enter someone's home, full of people, with no hospital masks or Lysol!"

"I told you, people would find that very odd," she reminded him. "And my family doesn't bite. Well, most of them anyway. My cousin Jason is teething."

"Your promise for ice cream afterwards better not be a ruse," he warned.

"It isn't. Just behave yourself. If you act nice enough maybe I'll have them put sprinkles on top."

"Oh goody!" he cheered, jumping up and down.

Amy knocked on the door three times, and from inside came the muffled buzz of chit-chat. The door creaked open to reveal an older man with glasses similar to Amy's and a head that could double as a mirror. He wore a suit and held a glass of champagne.

"Amy!" he said, hugging her. "How's my little girl?"

"Just fine, dad," she stated simply. She turned to Sheldon. "Dad, this is my boyfriend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper."

"Another doctor?" he asked. "You work in physics, right?"

"That is correct," Sheldon answered. He studied the man. Amy did share some of his features, but he couldn't believe that _this_ was the Mr. Fowler Amy had described.

"I have a couple friends down at the Caltech physics department. I met them through Mrs. Fowler, of course," he boasted. "Would you happen to know a Mr. Weinstein?"

Sheldon shook his head. "I don't really socialize with anyone that is not of any interest to me."

"That's a shame, he's a nice guy." He realized the situation of the couple standing outside. "Well, come on in! Everyone's been itching to see the actual Sheldon Cooper!"

He fought hard to suppress the panic attacks. People were _everywhere_. They were on the couches, in the kitchen, walking around from place to place. Out of impulse and the need for solace, he took Amy's hand, who looked up at him, shocked.

"What are you doing?" she asked in a whisper.

"Seeking some comfort in this epitome of chaos," he answered.

Mrs. Dolores Fowler, who Sheldon recognized from their infamous Skype session, directed herself towards Pasadena's power couple.

"Hello Amy!" she said gleefully. "…and Sheldon."

He nodded. "Hello."

"It's good to see you mother," Amy told her. "And see? He wasn't photoshopped in. He's real." She poked him.

"Ow," he complained. "Please do not do that."

"Well, it's nice to finally meet you," Amy's mother said, holding out her hand.

Sheldon resisted the urge to recoil, and instead faked a cough. "I apologize, I am sick." He coughed again.

Mrs. Fowler put her hand down. "It's no problem. Just don't go around the small children."

"I never planned to. They're sticky."

The first half an hour consisted of Amy and Sheldon walking around silently and awkwardly. Social events where they actually had to interact with people merely for "fun", not funds, were where they became suddenly below-par. They tried their best to stay out of social catalysts and were successful. They sat on an isolated couch, perfectly fine with their position.

That is, until a random woman walked up to them. She had dark hair and brown eyes. Something about her was familiar to Sheldon, but he didn't know what.

"Amy," the girl said. "It's nice to see you here." She smiled.

"And it is surprising to see you, Maxine," Amy stated.

The girl, Maxine, laughed a little. Sheldon likened her to the girls at the University of Texas, the ones that were trained to be Cowboys cheerleaders and always had a large crowd around them.

"Still the same as you were in high school. I would introduce you to my fiancé Rick, but he's a little busy with some of his old friends." She looked over to Sheldon. "And who is this?"

"This is my boyfriend, Sheldon," Amy said proudly. "He's a physicist at Caltech." Sheldon noticed a twinge of boastfulness in her voice. Obviously the relationship between these two women wasn't very pleasant.

"Oh yeah, I think Aunt Dory said something about you telling her he's close to a Nobel Peace Prize or something." She smiled, almost looking like she was trying to beat Amy in this silent, mysterious war Sheldon found himself in.

"The Nobel Prize in Physics," Sheldon corrected. He turned to Amy. "Did you honestly say that about me?"

She shrugged. "Should I not tell people that?"

"There is no harm in spreading the truth," he reassured her. "I was just curious."

"Jesus, Amy, he's like a male version of you!" Maxine exclaimed.

Sheldon inhaled. "From what I understand through the context of you calling Amy's mother quote-unquote 'Aunt Dory', and a similar jaw line to Amy I would suspect that you are Amy's cousin," he observed.

Maxine nodded. "It seems I forgot to formally introduce myself. I am Maxine Fowler, soon to be Maxine Eaton. And you are Sheldon Cooper, right?" She held out her hand.

_The Fowler family has a shared desire for physical contact_, he observed. He looked at her hand, then back at her face to speak. "Yes, but you forgot the 'Dr.' in the beginning and the BS, MS, MA, PhD, and SCD at the end."

"I was going to get my doctorate in Literature back in college, but then I met Rick and decided I had gotten a good enough education," she told him as-a-matter-of-factly. "You know, it's hard to believe you're real. It looks like Gorilla-Fingers Fowler finally got a man!" She patted Amy on the leg. Amy, during all of this, was looking down at her hands.

"Maxine, if you could please leave me and my boyfriend alone for a minute, we have to discuss something," Amy pleaded.

She nodded. "Yeah, sure." And she walked off.

Sheldon turned to Amy. "What was that about?"

"I find her presence displeasing," she confessed.

Sheldon frowned, confused. "Why? Did she happen to bully you as a child?"

Amy nodded. "She gave the girls the idea of putting Rogaine in my hand lotion."

"I knew it!" he exclaimed. Amy glared at him. "I apologize. However, I find your need to be stuck in the past highly illogical."

"Didn't you hold a grudge against Will Wheaton for fifteen years?" Amy asked him.

"Yes, but that was because he made a disturbing and endless trip to the convention center moot," he explained. "Meanwhile, you just have the childhood trauma of being bullied by a close relative."

Amy sighed. "I'm going to go devoid my bladder." She got up. "It may take a while. Stay here if you can."

"But Amy, if you leave people will start socializing with me!" he pointed out, but she was already down the hall.

He sighed and rolled his eyes as he saw a man come over to him.

"Hey, you're Amy's boyfriend, right?" he asked in a gruff voice.

"That is correct."

"I'm her Uncle Harry. Come over and have some drinks with me and the guys out back. And I can't take no for an answer; after all, it is my birthday."

"I don't drink, and I find the idea of congratulating someone on being able to push oneself out of their mother's vaginal canal very unusual." He looked over to the hallway. "However, it seems that Amy might want some time to herself." He turned back to Harry. "I shall join you."

He regretted the decision.

He sat there as a group of five men smoked, drank, and told stories of their sexual escapades. He drank his Fiji water politely, trying to draw attention away from himself and continue to be silent.

It was successful, until Amy's other cousin, Ian, decided to turn his direction to Sheldon.

"So, I heard that you and Amy are pretty heated, huh?" he asked. His face was red with alcohol.

He recalled the Skype session, and soon his mind was forming quick little patterns to make an unbreakable lie.

"Oh, yes," he replied awkwardly. "We are like rabbits."

"I hope you don't mean in the breeding sense, too," Harry grimaced.

"No, she is not impregnated with my children. It was merely an analogy to relate the infamous mating habits of the rabbit species with the coital happenings between-"

"Yeah, yeah. We get it," Harry interrupted, not wanting him to speak any further.

Ian laughed. "Man, I remember Amy in high school. Whenever she talked to a guy she would spit out random facts about testosterone and penises." He took a sip of his beer. "Where did you go to high school?"

"Texas," he answered simply. "And it was only for a year. By then I was eleven and had been accepted into the University of Texas."

"Whoa, so you're like one of those people Mozart was?" Harry asked.

"A child prodigy, yes. Though not in music. I am a physicist."

"So Amy wasn't lying…" Ian mused. "You're the real deal."

"Yes, I am the 'real deal'," he answered.

He continued to sit there awkwardly as the conversation continued.

_This is hell,_ he thought.

**#**

_This is hell,_ Amy thought.

When Amy left for college she thought she had left the girls from her high school behind, but it seemed like her uncle had other ideas.

When Amy emerged from the bathroom she found Sheldon had disappeared and stood vulnerable to contact with people she didn't want to talk to. She tried to keep herself hidden, returning to the couch, but her mother soon found her.

"Amy, do you remember your uncle's friend Jimmy?" she asked.

"Vaguely, yes," she replied.

"Do you remember his daughters, Veronica and Cassie?" She started looking cheery, the same look she got when she was about to introduce Amy to a new guy to date.

"I believe so," Amy said skeptically.

"Would you like to talk to them?" Now she was leading her on like she was a child.

"No, I would not."

Amy's mother rolled her eyes. "Come on! You can't just sit here for the rest of the party not talking to anybody."

"Well I was going to talk to Sheldon, but it seems he's run off," she told her in a disappointed tone.

"Let the girls cheer you up!" She took Amy's arm and pulled her up from the couch. She led her towards a pair of girls who looked almost identical, minus the clothing and subtle physical differences.

"Mother, I do not wish to-"

"Amy, is that you?" one of the girls asked.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, the appetizers are looking particularly interesting," Mrs. Fowler said, running off.

"Hello, Cassidy," Amy greeted. She nodded to the other girl. "Hello, Veronica."

"So, you've got a boyfriend now?" Veronica asked. She chewed her gum loudly.

"Yes," she answered. "And could you please stop chewing your gum so loudly? We are neither in a high elevation nor in a 90s high school comedy."

Veronica smiled viciously. "Still the same Amy."

"So I heard he's a doctor, too?" Cassie asked.

"Yes, he is a highly accomplished theoretical physicist at Caltech."

"Interesting. So…you guys have been together for two years, right?"

She was about to correct her when she remembered that the now-moot ruse was indeed started at that time. She nodded.

Cassidy smiled. "Who'd have known you would be with the big and important boyfriend?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked in a warning tone.

"Well, you were kind of a dork in high school," Veronica confessed.

Amy looked down, suddenly ashamed. "I guess."

Veronica laughed. "I mean, you'd always be spouting facts about the brain and genitals…remember the Rogaine incident? God, that was hilarious."

"Yeah…" Amy mumbled. "Hilarious…"

"And that date we set up with her and Freddy?" Cassie reminded her sister, starting to laugh.

"Oh yeah, the frogs!" Veronica burst out. Amy continued to attempt to hide herself by looking down.

The girls settled down. "So, what's your boyfriend like?" Veronica asked.

"Well, he's funny, nice to be around, very smart-"

"No, I mean what's, you know, _like_?" Veronica wiggled her eyebrows.

"I find that to be a very personal question," Amy stated, offended.

"Well, where is he?" Veronica asked.

"Somewhere around here, he has wandered off," Amy told them, looking around. Where was he? She needed something mentally stimulating, not this bad reminder with two gossipy girls.

"Can we at least see a picture of him?" Cassie pleaded.

Amy shook her head and sighed. "Fine," she said, pulling out her phone. She swiped at her pictures until she found one from the night he gave her the tiara. She handed it to them.

"Oh, he's…cute," Cassidy commented. "A bit too skinny for my taste."

"Is that superhero t-shirt?" Veronica asked. "He reminds me of those nerds who did my homework."

"He does enjoy science fiction a lot," Amy said, sounding proud of her boyfriend. She had to remain confident until she found Sheldon.

"It's hard to believe he did you," Cassie thought out loud. That woman had no filter.

"I'm guessing my mother shared the aspects of our relationship?" Amy presumed.

"Oh, yeah, she was _so _excited," Veronica laughed. "She was on the phone saying, 'The Fowler lost her flower! The Fowler lost her flower!'" She calmed herself down. "But still, most of these guys remain virgins for the rest of their lives. Guess he isn't too good, is he?"

"Now, see here-" Amy started.

"Amy?" someone asked. Amy turned around. It was Sheldon.

"Oh, hello Sheldon," Amy said meekly. She turned to the sisters. "These are Veronica and Cassidy." She directed her focus to Sheldon again. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough," he said, sounding a little hurt. It was a surprise that such a shy voice could come from such a proud man.

"I'm sorry, I could not find you," Amy said.

"I think we may have overstayed our welcome," Sheldon stated. "I believe it is time we leave."

Amy turned back over to the sisters, and then returned to her original position. "I agree; let's go."

They were almost out the door when Amy's father came up to them.

"Leaving so soon?" he asked, sounding downtrodden.

"Yes, Sheldon has a symposium to go to," Amy lied. She hugged her father. "Good bye."

**#**

They left and headed straight for the car.

"I'm guessing my rash behavior means no ice cream," Sheldon guessed as he got into his seat.

"No, you behaved rightly and justly. Therefore, we are heading over to Baskin Robbins." She turned on the ignition and headed over to the ice cream shop. They didn't speak much, but Sheldon silently ate his ice cream while Amy offered him shelter while Leonard and Penny were having a date at their apartment.

"Sorbets have always been my favorite," Sheldon commented as they entered Amy's apartment. "They do not give one any tummy troubles and I prefer the fruitiness of them over regular creamy ice cream."

Amy smiled, trying to cheer herself up after her own little blast from the past. "Indeed, they are quite delicious."

Sheldon took off his suit coat and sat on the couch. "Amy, I was very upset by the presumptions those women gave about our relationship."

"They are gossip-mongering simpletons," Amy reminded him. She placed her purse on the kitchen counter. "It is illogical to care about what they think."

"Yes, I know that," he said irritably. "However, they had no right to assume that I am a comic book hoarding, inexperienced nerd."

"But you are one."

"Yes, but they made it sound unappealing! And they are lowlifes, how can they make fun of the great Sheldon Cooper and you, Amy." He huffed. "When I rise to power, they are going to be at the top of the list for experimentation on humans."

"Just get over it," Amy dismissed. "Would you like something to drink, as you are a guest and under great distress?"

"No," he grumbled. He stood up and walked over to the kitchen. "You know what?"

Amy raised an eyebrow, hoping he wasn't already plotting to build a death ray for them. "What?"

"They called me inexperienced at sexual encounters," he pointed out. "Not just the girls, no, but the men I was forced to sit down with. The minute I started walking away they started taunting me. Of course, they didn't know of my enhanced hearing, but the intent is still there."

Amy patted his arm. "Sit down. You're obviously stressed. How about we play some Counterfactuals?"

Sheldon nodded. "Yes, I must clear up my mind."

Amy set up the cards and pulled out one at random. "Oh, good, an easy one. In a world where the coast of Washington is desolated by a tsunami, what is the most common disease you can contract?"

"A urinary tract infection," Sheldon said simply.

"Defend."

"On the coast of Washington lies the perfect climate for growing cranberries, specifically cranberry juice. Since the coast is now a desolate wasteland cranberry juice is very hard to come by. A common cure for urinary tract infections is to drink cranberry juice and now that those are gone the nation is easily susceptible to the disease, making it a common and sometimes fatal illness."

Amy nodded. "Very good, you are correct."

Sheldon pulled out a card. "In a world where yaks are carnivorous and tigers are vegetarians, which country wins World War I?"

"Greece," Sheldon answers.

"Defend."

He raised an eyebrow. "Isn't it obvious?"

Amy nodded. "I apologize."

They played long enough so that the thoughts of the party were almost completely gone from their heads.

"May I suggest, ending this very contradicting day with an act of intimacy?" Amy asked.

Sheldon considered this. "Alright. I am assuming that we repeat the actions that have been put forth in recent times?"

"Of course. The release of endorphins will make us both feel better," she explained.

He nodded. "I comply."

She leaned over and started kissing him, and he kissed back. She got herself on top of him, placing her hands on his chest and trying to kick off her heels. They proceeded as they had done before: Sheldon got needy and went straight for her chest and Amy reciprocated by going straight to his pants.

There was something different, however. This need that had been building up was suddenly at its peak. They didn't know what had made it that way: it was either the comments from the girls and the need to prove them wrong or it had been close to the peak all along. This was much more desperate, more heated. And Amy sensed that and tried not to smile. This was it, and all she to do was ask.

She started speaking in between kissing him. "May I…suggest…we move this…to the bedroom?" she asked him. He broke away from her, stunned.

In his mind, the two sides of him were bickering like mad, telling him what to do.

_Yes, yes, yes,_ the new side pleaded. _Yes, get nude, go baby-making. Yes, just say yes, god damn it!_

_Now, now,_ Logic soothed. _I actually get a say in this, remember? I've analyzed this situation multiple times and I have come to an answer. So please, let me answer for him._

_I did promise…_ the new side sighed. _Fine. Just don't totally screw up this thing, okay?_

Sheldon felt like he didn't get much of a say in this, but he complied. He felt Logic's simple one-word answer bubble in his throat, and he let slip out of his mouth after a long pause of Amy looking worriedly at him.

"Yes," he simply said.

Amy got up and took his arm, dragging him into her bedroom. She did what she had done before, though it seemed so long ago. She took his shirt collar and threw him onto the bed.

_I'm doing this…I'm doing this…I'm doing this…_ Sheldon thought over and over again. But his thoughts were suddenly stifled by Amy pouncing on him and pressing her lips against his.

While she was kissing him she tugged as his tucked in shirts. _Why does he have to wear so many shirts?_, she asked herself. Amy eventually pulled them loose and took a quick break to pull them over his head. She marveled a little bit at the fact that he wasn't as bony as she had thought; in fact, he had some tone to him.

"Hoooo," she breathed.

Sheldon took a moment to get over the fact that a) he was shirtless and b) half of his clothes were in a pile on the floor. However, he came back to the situation at hand to continue.

After all, it was unfair that he was the only one showing some skin. He searched blindly for the zipper at the back of her dress and slid it down her back. A devious smile formed on his lips when he grabbed the hem of her dress and tugged up, cursing the small black band that hugged her tightly. She stopped him and finished the quest herself, revealing purple panties and a black bra.

She bent over to kiss him, and quickly he flipped her over so that he was on top. They continued to kiss as they attempted to further strip each other: Amy was undoing Sheldon's zipper and Sheldon was becoming increasingly frustrated with the hook of Amy's bra. Only Amy succeeded, using her legs to push his pants down a little to reveal Batman briefs. Sheldon was still hard at work with the hook.

"Stupid thing…" he mumbled. "This is simple physics, how can-?"

Amy stopped him. "It's a girl thing," she told him. She reached behind and within a second she undid the bra, flinging it off of the bed and out of sight.

Sheldon stared for a moment. Sure he had touched them, but never seen them. They were perfect, and he had an urge to do everything to them.

"Fascinating," he whispered under his breath.

Being a scientist he put the two objects under experimentation again, this time incorporating his mouth. Amy smiled and moaned, suddenly feeling very slick in a certain area of her lower body. But she felt a little useless at the moment, so she flipped him over and slid her hand underneath the waistband of his underwear.

"Oh yes," he moaned.

She felt his little buddy become very prominent all of a sudden. She slid off his briefs, but all of a sudden Sheldon spoke up.

"We don't have protection," he realized.

Amy was concerned for a moment, and then she shook her head while smiling. "I still have the box of condoms from our previous attempt."

"You mean _your_ previous attempt," he corrected her.

She rolled her eyes. "I beg of you to not kill the mood." Still, he got off of him, went over to her nightstand, and pulled out the simple box. She checked the expiration date, glad to see that it was a ways in the future, and selected a single square of foil.

She got back onto the bed, taking off her panties and going criss-cross applesauce whilst handing the condom to Sheldon. "Here you go."

He sat up and she watched with fascination and curiosity. She hoped the size was right, both for his self-esteem and her fantasies. He fumbled with the wrapping a little bit, but afterwards smoothly but the contraceptive on.

It fit. Perfectly.

Amy had never felt happier.

"Do you want to be on top or on bottom?" she asked as he placed the wrapper on the nightstand.

"I would prefer it if…" He took a second, blushing a little. "…if I was on top."

Amy shrugged. "Makes sense. You are an alpha male."

Amy kissed him and pulled him down with her so that she rolled herself onto her back. He was positioned correctly, but for the next couple of minutes they got themselves back into the place they had been before interrupting themselves.

Sheldon broke the kiss, concentrating on placing himself in the right spot. The tension was suddenly very high.

"Are you ready?" he asked, very concerned. "The tearing of the hymen can be very painful for a woman."

"Sheldon, think of it as a metaphorical band-aid and just rip it off," she advised him.

He breathed heavily. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Sheldon," Amy said seriously. She was touched by his sweet motives, but the jungle cat inside of her was growing impatient. He looked at her, right in the eye. "I want you, in the simplest sense, to fuck me."

He opened his mouth, surprised. "Amy, language!"

She sighed. "Just do it, please."

He nodded, and taking a deep breath he entered her. He gasped, surprised the pleasant feelings he was experiencing. It was searing, like a fire he needed to burn out.

Amy was overcome by the paradox of how one action could be so amazingly wonderful and painful. Luckily the bad sensation was fading away at a fast rate, but it was still a confusing moment.

Sheldon waited, and a couple moments later Amy nodded and he started moving, the friction making them moan in delight. He started out a slow pace, trying to keep himself in control. A little while into it Amy moved her hips against him, wanting him to go faster.

"Dear Lord, woman," he groaned, complying and picking up the pace. The pleasure was building up quickly for them both.

"Oh, god," Amy cried, closing her eyes.

Sheldon felt the need to say the same. _Unnecessary cries to deity…perhaps they aren't as unnecessary as I thought_, he wondered. But in all honesty that was one of the few intelligent thoughts going through his mind at the moment, seeing as the blood was flowing someplace else.

He was getting close, quickening the speed, and he saw that she was on the edge as well. But she needed an extra push.

The book did say the clitoris had 8,000 nerve endings. It was time to test that hypothesis.

He took one of his hands and tried to find the small nub. Once he found it and pressed hard on it.

"Oh, Jesus, Sheldon!" Amy cried out, feeling her release. She had to say, it felt much more different when it wasn't with a toothbrush.

"Dear Lord, Amy!" Sheldon gasped, finally losing his control and collapsing on top of her.

They stayed that way for a while, until he rolled off of her and exhaled deeply.

"Now I see the appeal," Sheldon said. "To intercourse, I mean."

"So do I," Amy sighed.

Sheldon turned to her. "May I stay for the night? You do own a pair of my pajamas."

"But today you wear your green ones, am I correct?" Amy asked.

"Yes, but today I was also supposed to go home before 8:00 still a virgin," he reminded her. "Besides, it is much more comforting than sleeping in the buff."

"True," Amy agreed. "Fine. You may stay the night."

"Do you have English Muffins and a toaster?" he asked.

"Of course. Why?"

"Tomorrow is English Muffin Day."

Amy smiled. "Of course."

"I'm going to shower," Sheldon told her. "I feel very sticky."

"I see no way in how that concerns me," Amy replied. "But okay."

And as Sheldon showered and Amy put on her pajamas, they both knew one thing: the day had not turned out the way it had originally been planned. But they were okay with this chaos.


	26. The English Muffin Mishap

**Hey guys! Here's your next chapter! I hope you like it, and thanks for the lovely reviews on my last chapter. I'm REALLY glad I didn't screw the sex scene up. I would like to thank my lovely beta for being so very awesome. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Big Bang Theory, that goes over to Lorre and Prady.**

**So, I present to you, Chapter 26 of The Emotion Approximation!**

**-ZG**

**#**

Sheldon knew ice cream gave him weird dreams, as Leonard had told him many _(47, in fact)_ times. But this one had to top all of them, even the one with the Gorn and the bowl of grapes. He had returned to Amy Farrah Fowler's apartment, played Counterfactuals, and then proceeded to engage in coitus with her. After such activities he had taken a shower and ended up staying the night.

But then he realized these sheets were not his.

And these were not the pajamas he had set wear that night.

And someone else was in the bed, more specifically Amy Farrah Fowler.

He turned himself onto his back, stunned. It had happened. It had actually happened. He had done it. After all this time, all this anticipation, all the talking about how gross the exchange of bodily fluids was, he had gone against himself. He was a hypocrite, because he knew he had been wrong. It wasn't that bad.

In fact, he had an urge to do it again.

Now he understood why his friends were always complaining about their sex lives. It was an intoxicating experience. But he had to control himself, to wait. After all, it was the morning after. It was not time for a "round two".

However, he was hungry. English muffin day was not to be ignored.

He got up slowly, as to not wake her, and shuffled out of the bedroom. His muscles felt sore from yesterday.

_And those girls said I would be insufficient_, he thought to himself as he flipped on the kitchen lights.

For some strange reason, he was oddly at peace. The sides of him were no longer at constant war, and he felt no need to run over to the radiation showers at Caltech to cleanse himself. He was _happy_, and not as tired as he thought we would be. He got out the toaster and plugged it in.

"Shame it isn't Darth Vader," he mumbled under his breath.

**#**

Amy woke up the smell of something burning.

"Ricky, how did you find the cigarette's again?" she asked underneath her sheets. But then she remembered that Ricky went back to the lab long ago.

She sat up, sniffing the air again. There was definitely something burning. The smoke alarms began to sound.

"Sheldon, I think the building is on fire," she said. She turned to the side of the bed Sheldon was supposed to be occupying, only to find out that he wasn't there. "Sheldon, where are you?"

She jumped out of the bed and opened the door in a panic to find Sheldon in the kitchen fanning a smoking toaster with a towel, coughing.

"What happened?" she asked.

"It seems like you have to find yourself a new toaster oven," he told her. "I simply put in a couple English muffins, set it to toast lightly, and it burst into flames. I had to pat it out with this dish towel."He held up the fanning device. "You should really get yourself a fire extinguisher." The smoking alarms stopped.

"I should've told you that it doesn't comply with that outlet," she said in hindsight. "I had plugged my coffee maker in there once and I had burns for weeks."

"Well, now English muffin day is ruined," he complained.

"Now, now," Amy reasoned. "The English muffins just got toasted. Sure it wasn't by heated coils but a fiery inferno, but toasted nonetheless. We can scrape off the burnt parts and have our English muffins in peace."

Sheldon sighed. "I guess we can," he pouted. He searched for pair of tongs and fished out four English muffins, placing them on a plate. There were all very black. "I don't think we can scrape off that."

Amy shrugged. "Then I propose that we have cereal or some other breakfast food."

His eyes bulged. "But today is _English muffin_ day. My bowel movements rely on such order and precise eating schedules."

"Sheldon, I believe that your bodily functions are already out of order from our activities of the night before," Amy pointed out. "Simply having yogurt instead of your assumed breakfast food isn't going to do as much change."

He blushed and sighed. He started waking over to the couch. "True. My endocrine system is raging, my bloodstream is full of hormones, my muscles are sore, and I've woken up at…" He looked at the clock. "Good Lord, 7:30."

Amy nodded. "What would you prefer: cereal or oatmeal?"

"Cereal, more specifically any type with sugar and artificial flavoring. I must get my energy up if I am to look normal when I return to my apartment." He crossed his arms.

Amy frowned. "I have Frosted Flakes," she said.

"Perfect," he replied, his mind whirring. He had to figure out how to keep this a secret and how to keep it a secret if they were to continue.

"So I am guessing that you want to keep our carnal tryst a secret?" she assumed, grabbing milk out of the refrigerator.

"Yes, please. So I urge you to ignore your need to tell your gal pals every detail," he said. "If our circle of friends came to know of this I fear they would hypothetically blow a fuse."

Amy poured the cereal and milk into the bowls. "What if I feel I have a right to tell Penny and Bernadette?"

He frowned. "Why do you feel like you have a right?"

"Is it not social convention to tell your friends when something eventful happens?"

"Yes."

Amy brought the bowl over to him and held the one for her. "I've been waiting for this for almost a year. Believe me, this is eventful."

"Yes, but then your friends will tell their partners, who are my friends and in this case one of them lives with me," he explained. "And they will continue to badger me, joke with me, and make fun of me."

"Then how will we initiate if we in the midst of our friends, such as if we are eating dinner or separated and can only text?"

"We handle multiple ruses," he told her. "Such as, 'I have important business to attend to' or 'I have forgotten something'."

Amy smiled. "When did you learn to be so skilled at lying?"

"Oh, those are just examples I have observed from Penny and Leonard during their relationship," he said.

"Makes sense," she agreed. "They are borderline pathological liars when it comes to covering up their sexual endeavors."

They ate their cereal in silence. Sheldon finished and set his bowl down, anxiously tapping his fingers on his knee.

"Amy, there is an illogical question that continues to find its way into my thoughts," he confessed to her. "It has been that way since early this morning."

Amy brought her eyebrows together. "And what question is that?"

He darted his eyes between her and ahead of him, gulping. He asked so quietly and sheepishly that Amy couldn't hear him.

"What was that?" she inquired.

He looked at her in frustration. "Was I any good?" he asked. His voice was now very clear.

Amy smiled. It was adorable, really, seeing he was concerned over his performance in her eyes. He looked at her, waiting for an answer.

She cleared her throat. "I believe that your performance was very effective and satisfying."

He nodded, pleased with that answer. "And I reciprocate that answer."

Amy smiled, tilting her head from side to side. "And that's how a vixen does it!"

Sheldon smiled. "Indeed."

**#**

Leonard had been confused ever since Sheldon came home in the same clothes he had been wearing the night before. It could have been the Walk of Shame, but no…it's Sheldon. And he explained that he went over to Amy's place for a movie and stayed far too long to come back to 4A. So it _couldn't_ have been.

But over the next two weeks his behavior was odd, even for Sheldon. He would suddenly leave in the middle of work, dinner, and the comic book store. He would merely state that he was going for a walk or checking up on something. He was cheerier, not even giving a rat's ass when Leonard couldn't drive him where he needed to go.

The guys sat around as they usually did for Thai food night, if you excused the absence of Howard. His flight was tonight. They were talking about Mark Ruffalo's performance as the Hulk, but Sheldon wasn't as into it as usual.

"You have to admit he did a really good job," Raj said. "I mean, the last couple of Hulks sucked big time."

"Yeah, but I like angry Hulk better than anger management Hulk," Leonard complained.

"Oh, what does it matter?" Sheldon asked. "It's just superheroes!"

The whole group looked at the version of Sheldon before them. He was antsy, fidgeting like mad and his face twisted in content. He had been this way for the past couple of days.

"Since when do superheroes not matter to you?" Leonard asked. "I thought you loved the Hulk."

"I do, I do!" Sheldon defended. "I just happen to have other things on my mind that are frustrating me."

"Oh, is this because Amy's not coming back from that conference until tonight?" Leonard asked. "Sheldon, I know you miss having your conversations with Amy, but you'll just have to tolerate not being with her for another five hours. I mean, you Skyped her this morning."

"Yes, I know," he snapped. His voice got lower, "It's not the conversations I'm frustrated over."

Raj furrowed his brow. "What did you say?"

"Oh, it's nothing. Just mathematic calculations you wouldn't get." He returned to his food.

"Just find ways to distract yourself until she comes back?" Raj asked.

"I've tried different methods. All are completely irrelevant and I want _nothing_ to do with them," he told them.

That was when Leonard got confused, but he chose to move on. "Hey, how's that project your working on going?"

Sheldon looked at him strange. "What project?"

"You know, the one having to do with quarks in black holes," he explained. "You know, the project that has you leaving whenever you get an update. Must be important."

"Oh, yes! Well that is going along swimmingly." His eye twitched. "Just—just fine."

"You haven't been visiting them lately," Leonard observed. "Is the research going along alright?"

"Oh, yes, everything's fine," Sheldon dismissed. "I just told them that I would be letting them be in charge until further notice." _Nice one_, he thought. _I would never do that._

Raj frowned. "That's very unlike you."

"Yes, well, I'll let the monkeys have their fun before they off to dissection," he reassured them, fidgeting some more. How could Raj go through this for so long? It was unbearable.

Penny came into the apartment an hour later. She continuously looked at Sheldon, who strangely kept to himself and had his eye twitching a little bit. He didn't snap an insult at Penny when she talked about the subject of her community college. He had no interest in the upcoming Comic Con plans. He just kept checking his phone, overjoyed when it beeped.

"It seems like Amy was able to get on an earlier flight," he told the group. "She'll be back in the area within an hour." He was smiling now, and a real smile like the one he got at the train store.

"See? Now you can stop being s sourpuss," Leonard pointed out.

"Oh, is Sheldon missing his girlfriend?" Penny asked in a baby voice, puckering her lips and then pouting.

"Very mature," he commented. "But yes, I am _missing_ Amy Farrah Fowler. I have to speak to you lesser minds all day when she's gone."

"Well you won't have to speak to us much longer," Penny reminded him. "She's coming back within the hour, right?"

"Of course."

"So you can stop manstruating all over the place," Leonard said. "You'll see her in a little bit and everything will be okay."

Sheldon nodded, but still watching his phone miserably. The rest of the group had no idea why. They knew he enjoyed Amy's company, but _this _was borderline obsessive.

A half an hour passed, and Raj had gone through enough beer to able to speak to Penny, who was now snuggled up in silence next to Leonard. It was completely silent minus the low volume of the movie playing before them.

"Thank you Jesus!" Sheldon exclaimed out of nowhere, holding his cell phone in one of his raised hands. He composed himself. "As my mother would say."

After getting over the minor heart attack his roommate had induced, Leonard looked over to Sheldon. "What happened?"

Sheldon cleared his throat. "I—uh, well…the project, um, the project has had a breakthrough, and I must get over there immediately."

"Oh," he responded, shifting out of his position with Penny. "You want me to drive you over to the university?"

"No, no, no!" Sheldon rejected. "I mean, I can walk."

"But it's late at night. You never take a walk past sunset," Raj pointed out.

Sheldon hurried over to his desk to grab his messenger bag and coat. "Well, I've decided to become nocturnal as of today. If the opportunity of becoming Batman comes along I don't want to be without experience of the nightlife."

"So what time do you think you'll be back?" Leonard asked.

"Sometime in the morning, most likely. These projects are very time-consuming." With those words, Sheldon exited the vicinities.

"Hey guys," Raj said. "Sheldon's been acting a little weird lately."

"Yeah, I've noticed. I mean, last week he was in such a good mood he didn't even realize I turned up the thermostat, and over these past couple of days he got pissed at me for _not setting my bag down right_, and just a minute ago he looked like a kid in a candy store," Leonard told them.

"Yeah, Amy's been the same. You don't think they got in a fight, do you?" Penny asked.

"Then why would Sheldon be so happy right now?" Raj asked.

Penny was about to acknowledge that she was now stumped when her phone buzzed.

"Oh, Amy's flight landed twenty minutes ago," she said. She put her phone back in her pocket.

"Maybe Sheldon's going over to see her. Their kind usually walks in herds anyways," Leonard joked.

"Yeah…" Penny was suddenly distracted. "Hey, can you remember when the two started acting weird?" she asked the guys.

Leonard thought for a moment. "I guess…after his movie night with Amy."

Penny frowned. "What time did he get home?"

"Uh…sometime in the morning? He said the movie ran late so he-"

"Oh my GOD!" Penny squealed.

Raj jumped and spilled his beer all over his sweater vest. "Oh, this was vintage," he whined. He looked up to Penny. "You better have a good reason for destroying this sweater."

"Okay, I know this may sound crazy…but I think Sheldon's getting laid," she hypothesized.

The two guys burst out laughing.

"Please!" Leonard said. "Can you imagine him having _sex_? How would he know what to do?"

"Yeah, would he stick it in her bellybutton or something?" Raj added.

Penny crossed her arms and stood up. "Fine, then we can go find out for ourselves."

Raj wiped a tear from his eye. "And how do you propose to do that?" he asked.

"We go over there and ask them," she suggested simply. "You want to make a bet of it. Twenty bucks says the Shamy is doing the sheet shimmy."

Leonard nodded. "We accept," he said in pride. "But when you have to pay up forty bucks you better expect an 'I told you so'."

**#**

The minute Sheldon got the text he felt his frustration start to melt. He read it over three times, just to be sure it was real and not another one of those godforsaken dreams he had been having lately that had him getting a new set of weekly pajamas.

_**Amy:**__ Sheldon, I am informing you that I am currently parked outside your building. If you can, create a ruse for your friends so we can go get our apparent freak on. Salutations, Amy._

He had an outburst of emotion, unfortunately. But after a full four days of nothing at all and a repressed instance of failed Internet intimacy that ended up someone's webcam getting a crack he wasn't focused on his emotions. He quickly continued the ruse to his friends and got out of there, bounding down the stairs.

He saw her car and made his way in. He nodded to her. "Hello, Amy. Long time no see."

"Ditto to you, Sheldon. I'm sorry we will have to wait until we get back to my apartment, but I haven't recently disinfected my seat cushions." Amy pressed on the gas, making her way to the apartment the fastest a law-abiding driver could manage.

He waved his hand. "No problem. I'm just glad we can get 'back on track', as they say. I was becoming severely agitated and distracted without…well, you know."

"I understand," Amy reassured him. "Reginald just ain't doing it to me anymore. I threw him out at the hotel."

"Good for you," Sheldon congratulated her. "I'm happy that I no longer have to be ranked alongside an electric toothbrush."

Amy smirked. "Well, I have to do another trial, just to make sure that my actions were correct."

Sheldon looked over to her. "I see no harm in that."

Amy smiled a little more and continued along the streets the Pasadena.

**#**

Penny parked the car in front of Amy's apartment building and followed the two boys up to her apartment door. They were about to knock when they realized the door was already ajar.

"Wouldn't they be paranoid about robbers coming in or something?" Leonard asked curiously.

"I think they may have had others things on their minds," Penny told them.

"Who knows if you're right?" Raj asked. "The door could just need fixing."

"Yeah, let's go with that," Penny said sarcastically. "Now, who's going to open it?"

Both boys shuffled a little, looking down.

"What?" Penny badgered. "Too nervous that I'm right?"

"No," Leonard countered. "I just think it would be an invasion of their privacy."

"Sheldon's walked in on us before just to announce that he beat his Kill Streak record," Penny pointed out. "I think this is a good form of payback."

"Fine, I'll do it," Raj said bravely. He slowly pushed the door open to find an empty kitchen and living room.

"See, they're not even here. They're probably over at Epcott," Leonard said.

Penny rolled her eyes. "We didn't even check her bedroom." She started walking over there and then stopped. "Then again, I really don't want the image in my mind. Let me just check to see if Amy is home." She pushed everyone out the door and held it ajar as it had once been, knocking. "Amy! Amy!"

There was a rustling sound for a couple moments.

"She's probably doing research with a lot of papers," Leonard reasoned nervously.

Through the crack of the door came the head of Amy Farrah Fowler, who decided to hide her body behind her door. Her glasses were askew and she wa frantically smoothing out her hair.

"Oh, hello friends," she greeted. "What are you all doing here?"

"Oh, just checking in," Penny lied. "I saw your door was open, but I didn't want to intrude."

"Well, it seems you have checked in, haven't you? I'm perfectly well, at home safe and sound, and everything is fine. Goodbye." She was shutting her door was Penny stopped it.

"Is everything okay?" she asked sweetly.

"Oh, everything is just peachy!" Amy reassured. "So if you could please show yourselves out, I have some important work to do."

"But I haven't seen you in so long! Couldn't we-"

Sheldon's head popped out as well, hair slightly messy. "You heard the lady, she is busy! Now goodbye."

And with that note the door shut, leaving the group stunned.

The astonishment only lasted a second for Penny. She turned around. "Pay up," she ordered.

"Now, how do you know that they're having sex?" Leonard asked her, but he was already pulling his wallet out.

"Please. They both have the sex hair and Amy has never rejected having me come into her apartment. It explains everything!"

They both handed her the twenty bucks and she smiled. They exited the building and headed towards the car.

"I can't believe it," Leonard thought out loud as they got into the vehicle. "He actually did it."

"Hey, I'm just as surprised as you," Penny said. She noticed the hunched figure in the back seat. "Raj, why are you crying?"

Raj looked up. "Because Sheldon's getting more ass than me!"

**#**

**So, wow. After going through this, I tried to find a way to continue this story. But, for some reason, I like it ending here. So here you are. The End.**

**I would like to thank all of you for reading this story and sticking by me through all of this. This was my first fanfiction I've ever written, and I'm so glad this made people laugh.**

**To all who reviewed, alerted, and favorited: you fueled this story with every word. I can never thank you enough.**

**And to my beta: I would've been a mess without you.**

**Toodles!**

**-ZG**


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